UNNUMBED

     I hope that everyone had a great holiday and is getting ready for the new year. As you know I spent Christmas with friends out in Clearwater. I made the best of it but I'm not gonna lie it was hard. It got worse for me as the day progressed. As much as I try to stay positive I'm only human, with mental illness to boot. My friend Deb just mentioned my boys and I crumbled. I warned her what would happen if she did. My eyes are like automatic shower heads when it comes to that. But I needed to feel that emotion. I have been blocking it all out because of how much it hurts. And I know that that isn't a good thing. Because now I'm seeing that every emotion is in overload because they were suppressed so long. Bryant bought me a scooter for Xmas. Finally, a way to get around. And it's beautiful. Candy apple red. The sad thing is though I have a phobia with bikes. When I saw it I went from happy to petrified. I had my first horrible full-blown panic attack in like two years. But I got on and tried. I bawled the whole time. What was supposed to be exciting was misery. Amplified x1000 because I've been suppressing. Today despite my blood pressure screaming no I tried again. Another anxiety attack. Both times the only thing that semi helped me was grounding myself. I learned that coping skill while in the woman's shelter. (you'll hear that story later) Thank god I learned that. The emotional stress I've dealt with the last few days made me crave my bubble.... oh I did I  mention I saw and felt spirit more than I have in months there? And they followed me home. A side effect of all the emotions I'm assuming. I think I liked being numb better.

WAKING UP OCEANSIDE

      Merry Christmas Eve everyone!!! I can say that despite the fact that my kids aren't with me this Christmas that I am still very blessed. This morning I woke up in positive spirits. That's in my eyes the most important thing. Bryant and I are trying to work things out. And with current issues, I realize that he really is all I have. I've also been blessed to find new friends that I can honestly say are genuine. With no motives. With my depression, I need to surround myself with positive people, which they are. And Bryant definitely needs that as well. I had planned on sleeping away my holidays and waking up in 2019 but now my plans have changed. Our new friends who are old enough to be our parents invited us to spend Christmas with them. And as much as I wanted to stay in my bubble I took a chance and left it for the second time since October 17th. It has turned out to be a great decision. So this morning as I woke up in a strange bed with Ming and Bryant beside me I knew that 2019 was going to be a great, positive year! And I am positive that next Christmas my kids will be with me too. But if not I will definitely be closer. 💜🙏💜🙏💜

BLESSED AGAIN

     So I never post anything religious on here because we all have our own beliefs but I needed to share this today because I felt very compelled to. I'm not going to lie I have the air in my lungs and I'm healthy and for that, I'm blessed but not having my kids here has been taking a toll on me. Not to mention financially my situation just stinks, to put it bluntly.  Every day I get up and I do surveys online to make ends meet it gets me through the month. Being that I'm disabled and all my money goes into paying my bills my resources are limited. So today I woke up and I have stressed not one morsel of food in my fridge or in my cupboard and I panicked.

JUST FOR TODAY

When it's just one of those kinda days. The kinda day where you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.  That's the kinda day I've had..so for today I surrender. Tomorrow I'm back at it.

NORMAN ALEXANDER PART 2

So what I gathered from those messages was from a cry for help from someone with whose name had Norman or Alexander in it. Maybe hes lost?  Missing?  I wasnt sure. Until I did my research...

NORMAN ALEXANDER

     Tonight my mind is all over the place. About a month in a half ago I received a cry for help from spirit. The messages that I received and what a found shook me to the core. And tonight it's on my mind again. I'm hoping someone can help. I'm gonna post on here the messages I received and after I'm gonna post what I found as validation. First off...messages from spirit...

#INDAHSEYES DEBUTS ON TUMBLR

When I first started #InDah'sEyes one month ago I was nervous and unsure of the response. I had gotten some positive feedback from my post on facebook but this would be going in totally uncharted territory. Being called crazy bothers me more than anything and that could have definitely resulted in just that. Which in turn would have caused me to remain in my bubble for months to come. But here we are a month later with more love and support than I could have imagined. I will continue to include all of you in my journey and never stop trying to reach out to people just like me. One thing I lacked growing up was acceptance. Knowing that my thoughts and feelings were normal and that I wasn't the only one battling this illness would have made a world of difference to me. And that's the purpose of #InDah'sEyes. Hopefully sharing my story unfiltered and unrated will help the ones who are just like I used to be.
     Today I've branched out to Tumblr. InDah'sEyes2 will be the sister site showcasing the most viewed entries on here. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. Creating this blog has helped me in my battle as well. I will forever be in debt to all of you, I finally have somewhere that makes me feel normal.  A place where I belong❤❤❤

BIRTHDAY BLUES

     It's almost 1am and I can't think of anything else but writing. Even though my body is screaming for sleep. They say that GOD works in mysterious ways and I assure you, folks, I've seen it and felt it myself. Since it's after midnight it's officially my baby boys birthday. My angel Luca will be 8 at 6:30 this morning. I've been so depressed tonight knowing that I'm gonna miss another one of the boys special days. As much as I've found happiness in myself these things just chew me up, spit me out and step on me over and over. It's just so not fair. This whole situation...just not fair. I keep my faith that when a certain person meets his judgment day that he will feel the pain that I've felt the last three years. Like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body....and total loss. I can honestly say that GOD is the only way I've been able to cope with that situation.

IN NEED OF OPINIONS

     So as you all know I'm writing a book. It's pretty much the extended version of my blog plus a whole hell of a lot more.  I've been juggling between getting an agent or doing an ebook because there are perks to both. The reason I've been leaning closer towards the agent was because of the money involved to do an ebook and we all know that money is hard to come by these days.  But I can get my book out a lot faster doing an ebook versus actually getting an agent and a publisher which takes two to three years from start to finish. So my question to you is ebooks yay or nay?  Do a lot of you read them and are they more popular than paperback books?  I can honestly say I don't read a lot of books anymore. I read every day but I read Google. And my last question is and please give me an honest answer,  do you think that my blog would sell in book form I was going to break up my whole book into 5 maybe 4 mini books and have a series since there's so much to say and I haven't gotten close to everything out yet. I don't want to spend all the money that I don't have and put myself out there doing something like that when it's going to flop. Any opinions you have would be greatly appreciated.  If you could just email me the comments I would greatly,  greatly appreciate it or if you want to comment underneath this blog you can do that. I'm so excited to share with you in-depth and in detail this journey that I've gone through. To show exactly how it is to live with depression,  bipolar, anxiety, and PTSD. To be a voice for the ones not ready to speak.  I've never been more excited to do anything in my life and I thank you for being a part of it with me. God bless.

ACCEPTING OUR REALITY

                       

  Today is a bad day and I hate days like this. Days where you just want to crawl up in a ball and cut off the whole world, pretend it doesn't exist. It's taking everything for me to stop the tears from flowing, all I see is sadness. The reason I have no clue I'm content with my life, I love my God and I know that he loves me back. I have a family that loves me.

JUDGEMENT

     I don't know about anyone else but sometimes I have trouble sorting out my feelings. Not knowing whether to follow my heart or follow my head. Lord knows they've both let me down on numerous occasions. My head will scream one thing and then my heart will fight back and scream another. When do you really know when enough is enough? When do you stop giving chances? Since I started writing my book I've had so many thoughts and memories come pouring out of me reluctant to stop. Things I have tucked away purposely so I can protect myself from feeling that way again. But now I'm revisited by all these crazy things I did and regretting almost 90% of them. The sad part is I lied. I lied to myself by thinking that I didn't need anyone else by my side when I opened pandora's box.  But the truth is I did.  And I still do. I need a shoulder. I need someone who won't judge me and still loves me after I put it all out there. Who can love Aprel?  For all that I am and the many things, I'm not.

MUSIC THAT FUELS THE SOUL

       So we all have that music that touches our souls. Songs that when we hear them we feel as if we wrote the song ourselves because it hits home so much.  A song that when you hear them it transports you back to a time in your life that you'll never forget. Just recently I've been blessed and honored to become friends with an artist who does just that. When I listen to his music I feel like I'm saying those words myself through his eyes because the songs have so much passion. And words are a way I am able to do my own self-therapy.  Whether it's blogging,  music or journaling,  getting it out helps me so much. I wanted to post my favorite song by Kingmitchog entitled "Severed Ties" and see if it speaks to you like it does me. Show some love.   
          https://youtu.be/31QK9_KHxBc

YOU BE YOU

    You know my story and the things that I've been through.  I've been very open and with everything. I will continue to write because I feel that this is my path.  I was meant to share my stories and hopefully help people along the way.  I feel really bad that some people don't think I can do it that I need to find a place in this world and with this one, I'm wasting my time But how can people that write self-help books and do blogs like this be wasting theirs too?

AWAKENING

     Sitting here alone gives me a lot of time to think about this relationship that ended before it should have. Why I loved him so much and how I've never felt like that towards anybody before. In the beginning, I was obsessed. We would make love every day numerous times and I still couldn't get enough. There was even one day I think we hit thirteen times. I would say that would be about a record for anybody. And when I went out into public all I saw was him. Men were just people to me and nothing more. But then something changed. I started resenting him. I couldn't understand how he could continuously say he loved me and hurt me again. I would catch him talking to other women and he would tell me he was sorry and said he'd never do it again. Then I'd catch him a few months later.  What person could look you straight in the eyes and lie and love you? How can a person love you and knowingly hurt you over and over?

ON MY OWN

     Last night was the end. The end of what I think will be my closest shot to finding that special someone. To truly feel love.  Bryant moved out and I was alone. I spent hours crying then all the sudden I had an epiphany of some sort. Maybe this was God's plan was for me?  I had struggled so much growing up with my mental health.  My low self-esteem kicked me for a loop every other day.  I finally found somebody who made me feel comfortable enough to put down my walls.

ROCKBOTTOM

     How do you know when you've hit rock bottom? So often people think that their life can't get any worse but low and behold something knocks them down a little more than before. So again I ask you, how do you know you've hit rock bottom? When the whole world has turned their backs on you and you feel completely alone in the universe? When you become homeless? When you are broke? When you are literally starving because you can't afford even a loaf of bread? Is there a definition to it in wiki-pedia? The definition of rock bottom is this: blah, blah, blah. I wish that there was a universal definition out there so that patients like myself who battle mental illness would be aware of. Because lemme be the first to tell you that all those things I mentioned earlier I have been through. Right down to sleeping under a bridge.  Not one of my proudest moments I assure you. And me having mental illness as bad as I do and didn't deal with it at all. I wanted to die. I had no bubble to hide in and my situation was on display for the world to see. Which in turn sent my social anxiety into overdrive.

RELATIONSHIPS

    In my 36 years, there's been a question that I haven't been able to find an answer to. What is a relationship? Like a true ride or die, kick you in the gut kinda relationship. How do you know what love truly is? I haven't seen true love since my grandma kissed my pappy goodbye as he took his last breath 14 years ago. They were blessed with 46 years together. They had hard times but back then people fought for love. You hardly ever heard of divorce. They stuck shit out and it made their love that much stronger. I haven't seen that kind of ride or die love since around the same time cell phones, dating apps and social media really took off. And if you are in a relationship how do you really know if it's love vs lust or addiction?

REFLECTION

     Have you ever just really sat and reflected on how your life has unfolded? Your accomplishments, your failures,  your mistakes, and your blessings? Do you ever think to yourself what if I would have done this? And what if I would have done that? Would my life have panned out the same to an extent? Or would have it went in a totally different direction?

HOLIDAY SPIRITS

     Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Mine was spent yep you guessed it, at home.  I had an ear infection (I think) that knocked me for a loop. So Thursday was spent in bed and Friday (even if I would have been feeling fine and had huge pockets) was spent at home as well. One of my biggest issues is my social anxiety. I DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT do large crowds. Or medium-sized crowds for that matter. Social anxiety is one of my biggest faults. I must admit though I have come a long way. Three years ago I was literally locking myself in my bedroom to avoid a few people in my house. I did have my own visitors though...

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

     It's been one of those days...those days I hate. Those days when all you do is cry and revert to your bubble to wallow in self-pity. I love my bubble because it gives me a sense of security. And I can shut myself out from the outside world. Its been one of those days where I attempted to make chili and couldn't even do that. Right back to my bedroom to cry some more. I oftentimes feel so alone. Even though I know I have my family. I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming for help and nobody even knows I'm there.  Depression is a debilitating disease that beats me on most days. I think the hardest thing for me is dealing with the outside world. When I'm taken out of my bubble, my safe place. I have to pretend to be ok and wear a facade. I wear a facade so much my face aches. If only people knew how I really felt. Or understood. And the thing is, I don't have to have a specific thing wrong with me to be sad. I just am. I wish more people understood that. I can't just "get over it" like so many people tell me. It's like me telling them to get over having diabetes. Or get over that cancer they have. This is a genuine disease that can debilitate a person. I wish more people understood that. Then maybe they would understand me...
      I've decided that instead of only writing entries on specific days I'm gonna start writing every time I'm compelled to. Getting all my feelings and emotions out might be really good therapy for me. One of my therapists once told me to start a journal.  Maybe it's about time I listened...❤❤❤

GIRL INTERRUPTED

     So I was on this mission leaving the hospital to see if I needed to go home and pack my bag for Springbrook Hospital or find out why me. I know I didn't feel crazier than I had a month ago. I knew that in order to prove to others and myself that I would need some support. And the first time I saw them my one and only support was ready to ship me to the "nutward" as he calls it. (I really hate it when he says that.) So I felt alone and frightened.  I mean who wouldn't be?

YES! YES! YES! SORRY NOT SORRY

      I posted this on facebook yesterday morning.  Had to share.  I will be posting random blogs here and there when my fingers get an itch.  Sorry, not sorry... But seriously this is great!!!

      I can't help but laugh when I go through my feed and omg everyone has a story to tell. Suddenly no one is embarrassed to admit that they are 'crazy',  that they are addicts (which comes later in my story) or anything else the "it" ppl frown upon. They feel comfortable enough to get shit out and be proud of their struggles. Makes me so happy!  So for those of you feeling the courage and the need to spill it...DO IT!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH BETTER U WILL FEEL!!! I know I do. And if I could ask one favor?  Copy and paste your story over on my blog indahseyes.com..... We all need to stand united and help others realize that it's OK TO NOT BE PERFECT❤❤❤❤ #Dah'sArmy #Neveralone #unitedwestand

WHERE DO I GO NOW

                                               (Originally Written 11/15/18)

    

    Looking back to that first time that I was visited from another plane I remember being scared shitless. Did I finally snap? Did my mental health finally snowball so far down that soon it would be so bad that I'd lose all grips with reality and be that one in the corner of a room oblivious to my surroundings and drooling all over myself? Or is what I'm going through really happening? Is spirit reaching out to me? And if so why? Do I keep this to myself aside from the three that were with me when it first happened? I may jump around a little bit when explaining what's been going on with me the last year but please bear with me...

STRAIGHT JACKET: PARTY FOR ONE PLEASE-PART 2

                                                 (Originally Written 11/12/18)

   
      She was getting ready for the evening if I remember correctly. She and her boyfriend were going to go out and do something. Bryant was out in the back cleaning up some stuff and trying to pull his weight around there. I thought with her getting ready to go out maybe I'd try to help her with her makeup or her hair. Maybe give her pointers or ask her for pointers. It would be a good way for us to bond so maybe we could settle the dust a little bit. So while she stood in front of her mirror doing her hair and doing her makeup I sat there and we were talking. I heard two male voices and I knew that they were supposed to have company tonight. The next thing I know these two men walk into the room and I thought boy that's kind of weird that these guys would just walk right in here without her boyfriend being there. It goes against bro code. But not my business, not my place. They came in and they sat down and I watched her glance over at them but didn't say a word. Maybe she was pissed at them or something. I listened to them maybe for about ten minutes talking and joking saying normal guy stuff. I figured that they were waiting for her boyfriend to come back and that maybe they were all going out that night together.

STRAIGHT JACKET: PARTY FOR ONE PLEASE

                                                   (Originally Written 11/12/18)

     So I was able to confirm my hypothesis about the society we live in and how we have an image to maintain and that's stressed upon so much just to fit in. But there are some things that we totally avoid bringing up. Cuz if u thought a person with some psych issues and a few extra pounds was bad, at times it pales in comparison...All right so let me rewind. So I told you that the near-death experience happened in March and up until Bryant came back in May I had quiet stress free two months.

DYING WASN'T ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 4

     Go? Go where?  I wanted to stay where I was. So now instead of praying to God to keep me on Earth, I'm praying to God to keep me there. I felt a relief when I looked up from my body and the room was so bright. There was a particular spot that was just a little bit brighter and I thought oh thank you! Oh my gosh, I got to get there. I have to get there right now. As soon as I went to take one step the next thing I knew I was staring up at the ceiling again.  I was back in my body. And totally heartbroken. (Man your girl's two for two. I can't even die right. Even when I don't inflict it on myself. I'm stuck here the rest of my miserable, negative life.)  I heard the doctor mumbling something to me I couldn't really focus at that time. Eventually, when I started to focus I was so cold. Literally freezing to death. I was so cold that they had to wrap me in bubble wrap. So this is hell. Another disappointment. I look up and my mom's still not there.  I'm still all alone thinking to myself I deserve it. I deserve everything that has happened and everything still coming to me.

DYING WAS NOT ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 3

                                                    (Originally Written 11/11/18)

  
     I don't know how long I was out for.  When I came to I was laying on my side which is the normal position for somebody vomiting. I looked up at the ceiling and behind me and including that student doctor there were three doctors and I do believe two nurses. I asked them what happened and they told me that I had passed out. I could feel my eyes rolling in the back of my head again. I managed to mumble out why and hear them say I don't know yet. Then I just passed out yet again. I've experienced a crisis as a nurse being on that side but it was really weird and surreal being on the other side. All I can remember is telling the doctor to please call my mom because I remembered she had left. And thinking I'm all alone and I'm going to die alone. After that, I was zoning and floating as I like to call it. I was here but I really wasn't. By this time they had moved me into a trauma room. I can remember the doctor barking all kinds of orders to the nurses.  I think the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is feeling myself dying and knowing that that really is what I'm feeling.

DYING WASNT ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 2

                                                 (Originally Written 11/11/18)

      So the procedure starts and they take a couple pictures without the dye. No big deal. Then the man tells me all right Aprel you're going to feel it going in and yadda,  yadda,  yadda. Okay, there sir. So I figured I would feel the normal motions, the warmth through my body... and here it comes. I'm pissing my pants but I'm really not.  Then all the sudden my head felt weird but I didn't want to cause a scene or express anything. Maybe out of embarrassment, I don't know what it was. So as the test progressed my head started feeling extremely weird. Like my head was floating. I'm not really sure how to explain it because it's a feeling that I had never felt before.

DYING WASN'T ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY

                                                  (Originally Written 11/11/18)

     So let me begin by saying good afternoon my friends and thank you for joining me on this crazy ride that I call my life I've gotten a few negative comments about yesterday's blog but as a whole I've got a lot of thanks and a lot of bravery and strength comments and just a lot of great comments so thank you again for that. Moving right along I failed to include what happened to me last year and what has happened to me since then. But before I begin I just would hope that you would listen with an open mind or read rather and know that my beliefs are mine and I would hope that people would respect that just like your beliefs are your beliefs and I totally respect that.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD-PART 3

                                                 (Originally Written 11/10/18)

      There was this guy that I had a fling with. He never wanted to take me anywhere because he was embarrassed by me and I knew that. I was only good for one thing. In his attempt to not look like an ass he would tell me that he's just not ready for a relationship and we just weren't compatible. Okay yeah. It wouldn't have anything to do with my weight right? Two years later when I lost all my weight I contacted him and asked him if he remembered me. His response was no. He would definitely remember me. So I said,  "let me send you a picture of when you knew me. "I sent him one of my fat pictures and he couldn't believe that it was me.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD-PART 2

           (Originally Written 11/10/18)

      I even had a friend whose mom made her stop talking to me because of my mental illness. Like it was contagious or something and she is going to catch it off me. All I needed was a friend. I needed a place where I belong. Everybody was embarrassed and everybody hush-hushed about it. Talk about really wanting to crawl in your bubble. When graduating high school most teenagers are sad, they don't want to grow up. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to start over again and go somewhere and meet people where they didn't know who I was at all.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD

              (Originally Written 11/10/18)

    So I decided to just start writing a week or so ago on facebook.  I received such an overwhelming response that I decided to get my own blog.  This is my first ever blog entry:

  
        First off let me just say that I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your compliments and kind words. It took a lot for me to post all of those pics...but it was something I had to do..for myself and other people out in facebook land. I have been conducting my own little experiment over the past month or so. And I'm sorry to say that 75% of you acted exactly how I thought...rewind to a month ago...

PURPOSE

"Purpose"

    I often wonder... Why am I here? How did I get to this place in my life?  How did I let myself end up here?  Why did I choose this path? These are the things that run through my head as I sit in my room.  I've created a record even I'm surprised I did.  Tomorrow will make 1 whole month since I left my house... And pretty much my room.  I've had no desire to communicate with the outside other than through social media.  I take pictures,  make comments and post blogs so everyone knows I'm ok. In reality, I'm not.  I'm dying inside.  A beautiful girl with such a troubled soul.  Maybe I should back up to the beginning so u better understand...