ROCKBOTTOM

     How do you know when you've hit rock bottom? So often people think that their life can't get any worse but low and behold something knocks them down a little more than before. So again I ask you, how do you know you've hit rock bottom? When the whole world has turned their backs on you and you feel completely alone in the universe? When you become homeless? When you are broke? When you are literally starving because you can't afford even a loaf of bread? Is there a definition to it in wiki-pedia? The definition of rock bottom is this: blah, blah, blah. I wish that there was a universal definition out there so that patients like myself who battle mental illness would be aware of. Because lemme be the first to tell you that all those things I mentioned earlier I have been through. Right down to sleeping under a bridge.  Not one of my proudest moments I assure you. And me having mental illness as bad as I do and didn't deal with it at all. I wanted to die. I had no bubble to hide in and my situation was on display for the world to see. Which in turn sent my social anxiety into overdrive.

RELATIONSHIPS

    In my 36 years, there's been a question that I haven't been able to find an answer to. What is a relationship? Like a true ride or die, kick you in the gut kinda relationship. How do you know what love truly is? I haven't seen true love since my grandma kissed my pappy goodbye as he took his last breath 14 years ago. They were blessed with 46 years together. They had hard times but back then people fought for love. You hardly ever heard of divorce. They stuck shit out and it made their love that much stronger. I haven't seen that kind of ride or die love since around the same time cell phones, dating apps and social media really took off. And if you are in a relationship how do you really know if it's love vs lust or addiction?

REFLECTION

     Have you ever just really sat and reflected on how your life has unfolded? Your accomplishments, your failures,  your mistakes, and your blessings? Do you ever think to yourself what if I would have done this? And what if I would have done that? Would my life have panned out the same to an extent? Or would have it went in a totally different direction?

HOLIDAY SPIRITS

     Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Mine was spent yep you guessed it, at home.  I had an ear infection (I think) that knocked me for a loop. So Thursday was spent in bed and Friday (even if I would have been feeling fine and had huge pockets) was spent at home as well. One of my biggest issues is my social anxiety. I DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT do large crowds. Or medium-sized crowds for that matter. Social anxiety is one of my biggest faults. I must admit though I have come a long way. Three years ago I was literally locking myself in my bedroom to avoid a few people in my house. I did have my own visitors though...

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

     It's been one of those days...those days I hate. Those days when all you do is cry and revert to your bubble to wallow in self-pity. I love my bubble because it gives me a sense of security. And I can shut myself out from the outside world. Its been one of those days where I attempted to make chili and couldn't even do that. Right back to my bedroom to cry some more. I oftentimes feel so alone. Even though I know I have my family. I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming for help and nobody even knows I'm there.  Depression is a debilitating disease that beats me on most days. I think the hardest thing for me is dealing with the outside world. When I'm taken out of my bubble, my safe place. I have to pretend to be ok and wear a facade. I wear a facade so much my face aches. If only people knew how I really felt. Or understood. And the thing is, I don't have to have a specific thing wrong with me to be sad. I just am. I wish more people understood that. I can't just "get over it" like so many people tell me. It's like me telling them to get over having diabetes. Or get over that cancer they have. This is a genuine disease that can debilitate a person. I wish more people understood that. Then maybe they would understand me...
      I've decided that instead of only writing entries on specific days I'm gonna start writing every time I'm compelled to. Getting all my feelings and emotions out might be really good therapy for me. One of my therapists once told me to start a journal.  Maybe it's about time I listened...❤❤❤

GIRL INTERRUPTED

     So I was on this mission leaving the hospital to see if I needed to go home and pack my bag for Springbrook Hospital or find out why me. I know I didn't feel crazier than I had a month ago. I knew that in order to prove to others and myself that I would need some support. And the first time I saw them my one and only support was ready to ship me to the "nutward" as he calls it. (I really hate it when he says that.) So I felt alone and frightened.  I mean who wouldn't be?

YES! YES! YES! SORRY NOT SORRY

      I posted this on facebook yesterday morning.  Had to share.  I will be posting random blogs here and there when my fingers get an itch.  Sorry, not sorry... But seriously this is great!!!

      I can't help but laugh when I go through my feed and omg everyone has a story to tell. Suddenly no one is embarrassed to admit that they are 'crazy',  that they are addicts (which comes later in my story) or anything else the "it" ppl frown upon. They feel comfortable enough to get shit out and be proud of their struggles. Makes me so happy!  So for those of you feeling the courage and the need to spill it...DO IT!  YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH BETTER U WILL FEEL!!! I know I do. And if I could ask one favor?  Copy and paste your story over on my blog indahseyes.com..... We all need to stand united and help others realize that it's OK TO NOT BE PERFECT❤❤❤❤ #Dah'sArmy #Neveralone #unitedwestand

WHERE DO I GO NOW

                                               (Originally Written 11/15/18)

    

    Looking back to that first time that I was visited from another plane I remember being scared shitless. Did I finally snap? Did my mental health finally snowball so far down that soon it would be so bad that I'd lose all grips with reality and be that one in the corner of a room oblivious to my surroundings and drooling all over myself? Or is what I'm going through really happening? Is spirit reaching out to me? And if so why? Do I keep this to myself aside from the three that were with me when it first happened? I may jump around a little bit when explaining what's been going on with me the last year but please bear with me...

STRAIGHT JACKET: PARTY FOR ONE PLEASE-PART 2

                                                 (Originally Written 11/12/18)

   
      She was getting ready for the evening if I remember correctly. She and her boyfriend were going to go out and do something. Bryant was out in the back cleaning up some stuff and trying to pull his weight around there. I thought with her getting ready to go out maybe I'd try to help her with her makeup or her hair. Maybe give her pointers or ask her for pointers. It would be a good way for us to bond so maybe we could settle the dust a little bit. So while she stood in front of her mirror doing her hair and doing her makeup I sat there and we were talking. I heard two male voices and I knew that they were supposed to have company tonight. The next thing I know these two men walk into the room and I thought boy that's kind of weird that these guys would just walk right in here without her boyfriend being there. It goes against bro code. But not my business, not my place. They came in and they sat down and I watched her glance over at them but didn't say a word. Maybe she was pissed at them or something. I listened to them maybe for about ten minutes talking and joking saying normal guy stuff. I figured that they were waiting for her boyfriend to come back and that maybe they were all going out that night together.

STRAIGHT JACKET: PARTY FOR ONE PLEASE

                                                   (Originally Written 11/12/18)

     So I was able to confirm my hypothesis about the society we live in and how we have an image to maintain and that's stressed upon so much just to fit in. But there are some things that we totally avoid bringing up. Cuz if u thought a person with some psych issues and a few extra pounds was bad, at times it pales in comparison...All right so let me rewind. So I told you that the near-death experience happened in March and up until Bryant came back in May I had quiet stress free two months.

DYING WASN'T ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 4

     Go? Go where?  I wanted to stay where I was. So now instead of praying to God to keep me on Earth, I'm praying to God to keep me there. I felt a relief when I looked up from my body and the room was so bright. There was a particular spot that was just a little bit brighter and I thought oh thank you! Oh my gosh, I got to get there. I have to get there right now. As soon as I went to take one step the next thing I knew I was staring up at the ceiling again.  I was back in my body. And totally heartbroken. (Man your girl's two for two. I can't even die right. Even when I don't inflict it on myself. I'm stuck here the rest of my miserable, negative life.)  I heard the doctor mumbling something to me I couldn't really focus at that time. Eventually, when I started to focus I was so cold. Literally freezing to death. I was so cold that they had to wrap me in bubble wrap. So this is hell. Another disappointment. I look up and my mom's still not there.  I'm still all alone thinking to myself I deserve it. I deserve everything that has happened and everything still coming to me.

DYING WAS NOT ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 3

                                                    (Originally Written 11/11/18)

  
     I don't know how long I was out for.  When I came to I was laying on my side which is the normal position for somebody vomiting. I looked up at the ceiling and behind me and including that student doctor there were three doctors and I do believe two nurses. I asked them what happened and they told me that I had passed out. I could feel my eyes rolling in the back of my head again. I managed to mumble out why and hear them say I don't know yet. Then I just passed out yet again. I've experienced a crisis as a nurse being on that side but it was really weird and surreal being on the other side. All I can remember is telling the doctor to please call my mom because I remembered she had left. And thinking I'm all alone and I'm going to die alone. After that, I was zoning and floating as I like to call it. I was here but I really wasn't. By this time they had moved me into a trauma room. I can remember the doctor barking all kinds of orders to the nurses.  I think the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is feeling myself dying and knowing that that really is what I'm feeling.

DYING WASNT ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 2

                                                 (Originally Written 11/11/18)

      So the procedure starts and they take a couple pictures without the dye. No big deal. Then the man tells me all right Aprel you're going to feel it going in and yadda,  yadda,  yadda. Okay, there sir. So I figured I would feel the normal motions, the warmth through my body... and here it comes. I'm pissing my pants but I'm really not.  Then all the sudden my head felt weird but I didn't want to cause a scene or express anything. Maybe out of embarrassment, I don't know what it was. So as the test progressed my head started feeling extremely weird. Like my head was floating. I'm not really sure how to explain it because it's a feeling that I had never felt before.

DYING WASN'T ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY

                                                  (Originally Written 11/11/18)

     So let me begin by saying good afternoon my friends and thank you for joining me on this crazy ride that I call my life I've gotten a few negative comments about yesterday's blog but as a whole I've got a lot of thanks and a lot of bravery and strength comments and just a lot of great comments so thank you again for that. Moving right along I failed to include what happened to me last year and what has happened to me since then. But before I begin I just would hope that you would listen with an open mind or read rather and know that my beliefs are mine and I would hope that people would respect that just like your beliefs are your beliefs and I totally respect that.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD-PART 3

                                                 (Originally Written 11/10/18)

      There was this guy that I had a fling with. He never wanted to take me anywhere because he was embarrassed by me and I knew that. I was only good for one thing. In his attempt to not look like an ass he would tell me that he's just not ready for a relationship and we just weren't compatible. Okay yeah. It wouldn't have anything to do with my weight right? Two years later when I lost all my weight I contacted him and asked him if he remembered me. His response was no. He would definitely remember me. So I said,  "let me send you a picture of when you knew me. "I sent him one of my fat pictures and he couldn't believe that it was me.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD-PART 2

           (Originally Written 11/10/18)

      I even had a friend whose mom made her stop talking to me because of my mental illness. Like it was contagious or something and she is going to catch it off me. All I needed was a friend. I needed a place where I belong. Everybody was embarrassed and everybody hush-hushed about it. Talk about really wanting to crawl in your bubble. When graduating high school most teenagers are sad, they don't want to grow up. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to start over again and go somewhere and meet people where they didn't know who I was at all.

STEPPING INTO THE BLOGGING WORLD

              (Originally Written 11/10/18)

    So I decided to just start writing a week or so ago on facebook.  I received such an overwhelming response that I decided to get my own blog.  This is my first ever blog entry:

  
        First off let me just say that I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for all of your compliments and kind words. It took a lot for me to post all of those pics...but it was something I had to do..for myself and other people out in facebook land. I have been conducting my own little experiment over the past month or so. And I'm sorry to say that 75% of you acted exactly how I thought...rewind to a month ago...

PURPOSE

"Purpose"

    I often wonder... Why am I here? How did I get to this place in my life?  How did I let myself end up here?  Why did I choose this path? These are the things that run through my head as I sit in my room.  I've created a record even I'm surprised I did.  Tomorrow will make 1 whole month since I left my house... And pretty much my room.  I've had no desire to communicate with the outside other than through social media.  I take pictures,  make comments and post blogs so everyone knows I'm ok. In reality, I'm not.  I'm dying inside.  A beautiful girl with such a troubled soul.  Maybe I should back up to the beginning so u better understand...