(Originally Written 11/10/18)
I even had a friend whose mom made her stop talking to me because of my mental illness. Like it was contagious or something and she is going to catch it off me. All I needed was a friend. I needed a place where I belong. Everybody was embarrassed and everybody hush-hushed about it. Talk about really wanting to crawl in your bubble. When graduating high school most teenagers are sad, they don't want to grow up. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to start over again and go somewhere and meet people where they didn't know who I was at all.
I got my wish. I met and married a man who lived an hour away so he had no idea who I was, no idea of my past. It was so refreshing. Well it's true that things like that don't stay buried for long. Soon after my first child, I started getting very depressed again. Your girl was now pushing 200 lbs. There went my depression right back up in full swing. Nothing fit right and everybody looked at me differently. Now, mind you during all this time I went to nursing school and got my degree. I started feeling better about myself and with working full time and a few years later I got myself back down 167 lbs. Almost to my goal which was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. A short time after that I found out I was pregnant again. I had Tony and I never lost that weight. Just gained more. My marriage starts to fall apart because I start diving headfirst back into my bubble. My depression was just getting worse by the day. It took my ex-husband eight years out of eleven to actually realize what mental illness is and how to deal with it. So by the time he understood why I was acting the way I was it was too late. It's too much for anybody to deal with if they don't understand what they're dealing with. I had my third child and two months after I had him I weighed in at my highest weight to date. I was 250 lbs. I felt like I was 13 again wallowing in my depression. In my self-pity, I wanted to die. I wanted to just cut my stomach off. Soon after that is when my marriage really fell apart. Which is fine because we grew apart. I knew that the attraction just wasn't there anymore. I was a hundred pounds heavier than I was at the beginning.
Three years later in 2015, I went through some pretty tough times as far as the depression. I decided I'd make a fresh start and I'll move thousands of miles away. So I relocated from Pittsburgh to Florida. Boy was I stupid. Why would somebody that weighs 250 lb go to the Sunshine State where everyone is 140-150 lb, big boobs, blonde hair and just beautiful? I would feel so small when I would stand next to my mom who doesn't look her age. She's thin and gorgeous. Then on the other side would be my younger sister who has the perfect body and she's gorgeous. I felt like I was 13 yet again. And it didn't help any that the only way that I could have some attention from the opposite sex was to do online dating and be used just for a piece of ass. Relationships were out of the question. It was just sex that's it. "I'm not embarrassed by you behind closed doors but I can't be out in public with you because you're too heavy. " Yeah, that was really fun. I got it in my head one day fuck this I'm losing that weight. Somebody will love me with my craziness and accept me for me. Or they're not deserving of my love at all anyway...
I got my wish. I met and married a man who lived an hour away so he had no idea who I was, no idea of my past. It was so refreshing. Well it's true that things like that don't stay buried for long. Soon after my first child, I started getting very depressed again. Your girl was now pushing 200 lbs. There went my depression right back up in full swing. Nothing fit right and everybody looked at me differently. Now, mind you during all this time I went to nursing school and got my degree. I started feeling better about myself and with working full time and a few years later I got myself back down 167 lbs. Almost to my goal which was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. A short time after that I found out I was pregnant again. I had Tony and I never lost that weight. Just gained more. My marriage starts to fall apart because I start diving headfirst back into my bubble. My depression was just getting worse by the day. It took my ex-husband eight years out of eleven to actually realize what mental illness is and how to deal with it. So by the time he understood why I was acting the way I was it was too late. It's too much for anybody to deal with if they don't understand what they're dealing with. I had my third child and two months after I had him I weighed in at my highest weight to date. I was 250 lbs. I felt like I was 13 again wallowing in my depression. In my self-pity, I wanted to die. I wanted to just cut my stomach off. Soon after that is when my marriage really fell apart. Which is fine because we grew apart. I knew that the attraction just wasn't there anymore. I was a hundred pounds heavier than I was at the beginning.
Three years later in 2015, I went through some pretty tough times as far as the depression. I decided I'd make a fresh start and I'll move thousands of miles away. So I relocated from Pittsburgh to Florida. Boy was I stupid. Why would somebody that weighs 250 lb go to the Sunshine State where everyone is 140-150 lb, big boobs, blonde hair and just beautiful? I would feel so small when I would stand next to my mom who doesn't look her age. She's thin and gorgeous. Then on the other side would be my younger sister who has the perfect body and she's gorgeous. I felt like I was 13 yet again. And it didn't help any that the only way that I could have some attention from the opposite sex was to do online dating and be used just for a piece of ass. Relationships were out of the question. It was just sex that's it. "I'm not embarrassed by you behind closed doors but I can't be out in public with you because you're too heavy. " Yeah, that was really fun. I got it in my head one day fuck this I'm losing that weight. Somebody will love me with my craziness and accept me for me. Or they're not deserving of my love at all anyway...