Have you ever just really sat and reflected on how your life has unfolded? Your accomplishments, your failures, your mistakes, and your blessings? Do you ever think to yourself what if I would have done this? And what if I would have done that? Would my life have panned out the same to an extent? Or would have it went in a totally different direction?
I've really been thinking about this lately as the time slowly ticks by. With the holidays upon us my happy meter has gone from fake it till I make it to fuck it I don't even care. It's sad that something that's supposed to be so joyous is something I cringe at the thought of. The thought of not being with my three beautiful baby boys yet another year sickens me. And that, in turn, has caused me to reflect on my choices. If I could turn back the clocks to March of 2015 would I have made a different choice? I don't know. Running from a person who pounds on your head daily felt like the right choice. And listening to people who had my best interest at heart by telling me to change states seemed like the best way to start fresh. You see that was always a problem with me back then. I was a doormat. Always have been up until about a year and a half ago. Its always been a side effect of my mental illness. Never being able to say no and never defending myself. If I would have had the inner strength to stick up for myself back then I would have never left. But if I wouldn't have moved here and met and learned from who I did I probably would still be that doormat. So it's a catch twenty-two in that respect. But that one quality that people take for granted could have totally changed my life course. And all my life I've always feared the opposite sex. It used to be that if any man even raised their voice to me I would collapse into a puddle of tears. I kid you not...I was so afraid of men. That also changed a year and a half ago. That too could have helped me lead a different path in life. But who knows if I ever would have found that staying in PA? Would I still be cringing while I let my ex-husband bend me over his washer weekly while his now-wife was at work because I didn't have the courage to say no? I'd like to hope not.
I've really been thinking about this lately as the time slowly ticks by. With the holidays upon us my happy meter has gone from fake it till I make it to fuck it I don't even care. It's sad that something that's supposed to be so joyous is something I cringe at the thought of. The thought of not being with my three beautiful baby boys yet another year sickens me. And that, in turn, has caused me to reflect on my choices. If I could turn back the clocks to March of 2015 would I have made a different choice? I don't know. Running from a person who pounds on your head daily felt like the right choice. And listening to people who had my best interest at heart by telling me to change states seemed like the best way to start fresh. You see that was always a problem with me back then. I was a doormat. Always have been up until about a year and a half ago. Its always been a side effect of my mental illness. Never being able to say no and never defending myself. If I would have had the inner strength to stick up for myself back then I would have never left. But if I wouldn't have moved here and met and learned from who I did I probably would still be that doormat. So it's a catch twenty-two in that respect. But that one quality that people take for granted could have totally changed my life course. And all my life I've always feared the opposite sex. It used to be that if any man even raised their voice to me I would collapse into a puddle of tears. I kid you not...I was so afraid of men. That also changed a year and a half ago. That too could have helped me lead a different path in life. But who knows if I ever would have found that staying in PA? Would I still be cringing while I let my ex-husband bend me over his washer weekly while his now-wife was at work because I didn't have the courage to say no? I'd like to hope not.