How do you know when you've hit rock bottom? So often people think that their life can't get any worse but low and behold something knocks them down a little more than before. So again I ask you, how do you know you've hit rock bottom? When the whole world has turned their backs on you and you feel completely alone in the universe? When you become homeless? When you are broke? When you are literally starving because you can't afford even a loaf of bread? Is there a definition to it in wiki-pedia? The definition of rock bottom is this: blah, blah, blah. I wish that there was a universal definition out there so that patients like myself who battle mental illness would be aware of. Because lemme be the first to tell you that all those things I mentioned earlier I have been through. Right down to sleeping under a bridge. Not one of my proudest moments I assure you. And me having mental illness as bad as I do and didn't deal with it at all. I wanted to die. I had no bubble to hide in and my situation was on display for the world to see. Which in turn sent my social anxiety into overdrive.
I'm so relieved that those days are over. But were they my "rock bottom"...I don't think they were. The bad cards that come at me in life are harder for me to deal with than other people. Hell, I can be depressed, like literally depressed for no reason at all. For notta..zilch. It's taken my family members awhile to learn that. And some of them still don't get it. I am constantly told that mental disease is an "excuse" for not wanting to get out of bed. I remember growing up my dad didn't quite understand my mental illness. He wasn't educated. I remember him asking me what was wrong one day. "Tink, (that's what he calls me) you're way down here today (gesturing downward with his hand) I don't understand what could be so bad in your life to make you like this? You have a great life." I'd always respond the same way. "Daddy I'm just sad. No there isn't a reason, I'm aware of what I have. Sometimes I don't have a reason for it, I just am."
It took him some years to get it. To really, truly get it. He does now though. Thank you, Jesus. My daddy has really observed me and my triggers. Now when we speak he knows what kind of state I'm in before I even finish my first sentence. He can tell just by a few words if I'm on my meds or not. He has no idea how much someone like me appreciates something like that. He is the only one that can tell my mood just by a few words. The only one who's taken the time to really get to know the real Tink...I'm so relieved that those days are over. But were they my "rock bottom"...I don't think they were. The bad cards that come at me in life are harder for me to deal with than other people. Hell, I can be depressed, like literally depressed for no reason at all. For notta..zilch. It's taken my family members awhile to learn that. And some of them still don't get it. I am constantly told that mental disease is an "excuse" for not wanting to get out of bed. I remember growing up my dad didn't quite understand my mental illness. He wasn't educated. I remember him asking me what was wrong one day. "Tink, (that's what he calls me) you're way down here today (gesturing downward with his hand) I don't understand what could be so bad in your life to make you like this? You have a great life." I'd always respond the same way. "Daddy I'm just sad. No there isn't a reason, I'm aware of what I have. Sometimes I don't have a reason for it, I just am."