Tuesday, November 20, 2018

DYING WAS NOT ON MY LIST OF THINGS TO DO TODAY-PART 3

                                                    (Originally Written 11/11/18)
  
     I don't know how long I was out for.  When I came to I was laying on my side which is the normal position for somebody vomiting. I looked up at the ceiling and behind me and including that student doctor there were three doctors and I do believe two nurses. I asked them what happened and they told me that I had passed out. I could feel my eyes rolling in the back of my head again. I managed to mumble out why and hear them say I don't know yet. Then I just passed out yet again. I've experienced a crisis as a nurse being on that side but it was really weird and surreal being on the other side. All I can remember is telling the doctor to please call my mom because I remembered she had left. And thinking I'm all alone and I'm going to die alone. After that, I was zoning and floating as I like to call it. I was here but I really wasn't. By this time they had moved me into a trauma room. I can remember the doctor barking all kinds of orders to the nurses.  I think the thing that sticks out in my mind the most is feeling myself dying and knowing that that really is what I'm feeling.
     As I'm feeling this sense that my body giving up I can hear the doctor saying "She's flatlining... her blood pressure is dropping.. and if we don't get it up we are going to lose her." Now, mind you up to this point they still don't know what's wrong with me. It's funny out of everything that was said that's what I remember the most. As I hear him saying it I'm praying in my mind. I'm probably praying harder than I've ever prayed.  I bargained with God "If you let me live I'll do anything you ask...If I could just see my boys one more time... If I can just see Bryant one more time... my family... I just want my family. I'm so sorry." They say that right before a person passes they see their life flash before their eyes. Well folks I am here to tell you it is most definitely true. In an instant, I saw my whole 35 years of existence flash before my eyes. From birth to that moment. Good times, tears,  everything.  I just remember it went so fast but it was so detailed and specific. They say that when you pass your frequency and your vibration increases so maybe that's why it felt like it did. I remember feeling sheer panic,  greater than you can imagine. The fear of the unknown and loss. Especially from my boys, my three beautiful, beautiful boys.  I'm awful. Oh my God, I'm going to die the worst kind of awful and I'm going straight to hell. Then all the sudden it was like a light switch flipped. All those negative feelings were gone.  Just like that, I felt warmth. It came just as fast as that negativity left. That warmth came and I felt joy and I felt loved. So much love and so much warmth. Picture the biggest teddy bear you could imagine wrapped around you keeping you warm,  making you feel safe and wanted and knowing that you are surrounded by pure love. Not one shred of negative vibes, just all positivity, and love.  It's overwhelming quite frankly. I hadn't realized that I had left my body and was standing next to myself. I'm listening to the doctors and everything that they're saying but it didn't matter. All I could focus on was that love and that warm and the sense of belonging and security.  I wanted to feel that forever. But now I was also feeling that I needed to go... 

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