UNNUMBED

     I hope that everyone had a great holiday and is getting ready for the new year. As you know I spent Christmas with friends out in Clearwater. I made the best of it but I'm not gonna lie it was hard. It got worse for me as the day progressed. As much as I try to stay positive I'm only human, with mental illness to boot. My friend Deb just mentioned my boys and I crumbled. I warned her what would happen if she did. My eyes are like automatic shower heads when it comes to that. But I needed to feel that emotion. I have been blocking it all out because of how much it hurts. And I know that that isn't a good thing. Because now I'm seeing that every emotion is in overload because they were suppressed so long. Bryant bought me a scooter for Xmas. Finally, a way to get around. And it's beautiful. Candy apple red. The sad thing is though I have a phobia with bikes. When I saw it I went from happy to petrified. I had my first horrible full-blown panic attack in like two years. But I got on and tried. I bawled the whole time. What was supposed to be exciting was misery. Amplified x1000 because I've been suppressing. Today despite my blood pressure screaming no I tried again. Another anxiety attack. Both times the only thing that semi helped me was grounding myself. I learned that coping skill while in the woman's shelter. (you'll hear that story later) Thank god I learned that. The emotional stress I've dealt with the last few days made me crave my bubble.... oh I did I  mention I saw and felt spirit more than I have in months there? And they followed me home. A side effect of all the emotions I'm assuming. I think I liked being numb better.

WAKING UP OCEANSIDE

      Merry Christmas Eve everyone!!! I can say that despite the fact that my kids aren't with me this Christmas that I am still very blessed. This morning I woke up in positive spirits. That's in my eyes the most important thing. Bryant and I are trying to work things out. And with current issues, I realize that he really is all I have. I've also been blessed to find new friends that I can honestly say are genuine. With no motives. With my depression, I need to surround myself with positive people, which they are. And Bryant definitely needs that as well. I had planned on sleeping away my holidays and waking up in 2019 but now my plans have changed. Our new friends who are old enough to be our parents invited us to spend Christmas with them. And as much as I wanted to stay in my bubble I took a chance and left it for the second time since October 17th. It has turned out to be a great decision. So this morning as I woke up in a strange bed with Ming and Bryant beside me I knew that 2019 was going to be a great, positive year! And I am positive that next Christmas my kids will be with me too. But if not I will definitely be closer. 💜🙏💜🙏💜

BLESSED AGAIN

     So I never post anything religious on here because we all have our own beliefs but I needed to share this today because I felt very compelled to. I'm not going to lie I have the air in my lungs and I'm healthy and for that, I'm blessed but not having my kids here has been taking a toll on me. Not to mention financially my situation just stinks, to put it bluntly.  Every day I get up and I do surveys online to make ends meet it gets me through the month. Being that I'm disabled and all my money goes into paying my bills my resources are limited. So today I woke up and I have stressed not one morsel of food in my fridge or in my cupboard and I panicked.

JUST FOR TODAY

When it's just one of those kinda days. The kinda day where you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.  That's the kinda day I've had..so for today I surrender. Tomorrow I'm back at it.

NORMAN ALEXANDER PART 2

So what I gathered from those messages was from a cry for help from someone with whose name had Norman or Alexander in it. Maybe hes lost?  Missing?  I wasnt sure. Until I did my research...

NORMAN ALEXANDER

     Tonight my mind is all over the place. About a month in a half ago I received a cry for help from spirit. The messages that I received and what a found shook me to the core. And tonight it's on my mind again. I'm hoping someone can help. I'm gonna post on here the messages I received and after I'm gonna post what I found as validation. First off...messages from spirit...

#INDAHSEYES DEBUTS ON TUMBLR

When I first started #InDah'sEyes one month ago I was nervous and unsure of the response. I had gotten some positive feedback from my post on facebook but this would be going in totally uncharted territory. Being called crazy bothers me more than anything and that could have definitely resulted in just that. Which in turn would have caused me to remain in my bubble for months to come. But here we are a month later with more love and support than I could have imagined. I will continue to include all of you in my journey and never stop trying to reach out to people just like me. One thing I lacked growing up was acceptance. Knowing that my thoughts and feelings were normal and that I wasn't the only one battling this illness would have made a world of difference to me. And that's the purpose of #InDah'sEyes. Hopefully sharing my story unfiltered and unrated will help the ones who are just like I used to be.
     Today I've branched out to Tumblr. InDah'sEyes2 will be the sister site showcasing the most viewed entries on here. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. Creating this blog has helped me in my battle as well. I will forever be in debt to all of you, I finally have somewhere that makes me feel normal.  A place where I belong❤❤❤

BIRTHDAY BLUES

     It's almost 1am and I can't think of anything else but writing. Even though my body is screaming for sleep. They say that GOD works in mysterious ways and I assure you, folks, I've seen it and felt it myself. Since it's after midnight it's officially my baby boys birthday. My angel Luca will be 8 at 6:30 this morning. I've been so depressed tonight knowing that I'm gonna miss another one of the boys special days. As much as I've found happiness in myself these things just chew me up, spit me out and step on me over and over. It's just so not fair. This whole situation...just not fair. I keep my faith that when a certain person meets his judgment day that he will feel the pain that I've felt the last three years. Like a thousand knives stabbing you all over your body....and total loss. I can honestly say that GOD is the only way I've been able to cope with that situation.

IN NEED OF OPINIONS

     So as you all know I'm writing a book. It's pretty much the extended version of my blog plus a whole hell of a lot more.  I've been juggling between getting an agent or doing an ebook because there are perks to both. The reason I've been leaning closer towards the agent was because of the money involved to do an ebook and we all know that money is hard to come by these days.  But I can get my book out a lot faster doing an ebook versus actually getting an agent and a publisher which takes two to three years from start to finish. So my question to you is ebooks yay or nay?  Do a lot of you read them and are they more popular than paperback books?  I can honestly say I don't read a lot of books anymore. I read every day but I read Google. And my last question is and please give me an honest answer,  do you think that my blog would sell in book form I was going to break up my whole book into 5 maybe 4 mini books and have a series since there's so much to say and I haven't gotten close to everything out yet. I don't want to spend all the money that I don't have and put myself out there doing something like that when it's going to flop. Any opinions you have would be greatly appreciated.  If you could just email me the comments I would greatly,  greatly appreciate it or if you want to comment underneath this blog you can do that. I'm so excited to share with you in-depth and in detail this journey that I've gone through. To show exactly how it is to live with depression,  bipolar, anxiety, and PTSD. To be a voice for the ones not ready to speak.  I've never been more excited to do anything in my life and I thank you for being a part of it with me. God bless.

ACCEPTING OUR REALITY

                       

  Today is a bad day and I hate days like this. Days where you just want to crawl up in a ball and cut off the whole world, pretend it doesn't exist. It's taking everything for me to stop the tears from flowing, all I see is sadness. The reason I have no clue I'm content with my life, I love my God and I know that he loves me back. I have a family that loves me.

JUDGEMENT

     I don't know about anyone else but sometimes I have trouble sorting out my feelings. Not knowing whether to follow my heart or follow my head. Lord knows they've both let me down on numerous occasions. My head will scream one thing and then my heart will fight back and scream another. When do you really know when enough is enough? When do you stop giving chances? Since I started writing my book I've had so many thoughts and memories come pouring out of me reluctant to stop. Things I have tucked away purposely so I can protect myself from feeling that way again. But now I'm revisited by all these crazy things I did and regretting almost 90% of them. The sad part is I lied. I lied to myself by thinking that I didn't need anyone else by my side when I opened pandora's box.  But the truth is I did.  And I still do. I need a shoulder. I need someone who won't judge me and still loves me after I put it all out there. Who can love Aprel?  For all that I am and the many things, I'm not.

MUSIC THAT FUELS THE SOUL

       So we all have that music that touches our souls. Songs that when we hear them we feel as if we wrote the song ourselves because it hits home so much.  A song that when you hear them it transports you back to a time in your life that you'll never forget. Just recently I've been blessed and honored to become friends with an artist who does just that. When I listen to his music I feel like I'm saying those words myself through his eyes because the songs have so much passion. And words are a way I am able to do my own self-therapy.  Whether it's blogging,  music or journaling,  getting it out helps me so much. I wanted to post my favorite song by Kingmitchog entitled "Severed Ties" and see if it speaks to you like it does me. Show some love.   
          https://youtu.be/31QK9_KHxBc

YOU BE YOU

    You know my story and the things that I've been through.  I've been very open and with everything. I will continue to write because I feel that this is my path.  I was meant to share my stories and hopefully help people along the way.  I feel really bad that some people don't think I can do it that I need to find a place in this world and with this one, I'm wasting my time But how can people that write self-help books and do blogs like this be wasting theirs too?

AWAKENING

     Sitting here alone gives me a lot of time to think about this relationship that ended before it should have. Why I loved him so much and how I've never felt like that towards anybody before. In the beginning, I was obsessed. We would make love every day numerous times and I still couldn't get enough. There was even one day I think we hit thirteen times. I would say that would be about a record for anybody. And when I went out into public all I saw was him. Men were just people to me and nothing more. But then something changed. I started resenting him. I couldn't understand how he could continuously say he loved me and hurt me again. I would catch him talking to other women and he would tell me he was sorry and said he'd never do it again. Then I'd catch him a few months later.  What person could look you straight in the eyes and lie and love you? How can a person love you and knowingly hurt you over and over?

ON MY OWN

     Last night was the end. The end of what I think will be my closest shot to finding that special someone. To truly feel love.  Bryant moved out and I was alone. I spent hours crying then all the sudden I had an epiphany of some sort. Maybe this was God's plan was for me?  I had struggled so much growing up with my mental health.  My low self-esteem kicked me for a loop every other day.  I finally found somebody who made me feel comfortable enough to put down my walls.