Today is a bad day and I hate days like this. Days where you just want to crawl up in a ball and cut off the whole world, pretend it doesn't exist. It's taking everything for me to stop the tears from flowing, all I see is sadness. The reason I have no clue I'm content with my life, I love my God and I know that he loves me back. I have a family that loves me.
I don't understand why my heart is screaming at me , why it's filled with sadness. Is it the whole situation with Bryant? Probably so. Three years of your life is a long time to spend with somebody. To just piss it all away I do not know what to do. Do I totally cut it off? Do we try to make it work? After three years is it still love or is it lust? When you have resentment and disgust in your heart too. that's where that whole thing love thing comes into play. How can a person really know that their head over heels in love with somebody so many people who said that and then they cheated I guess nobody's Perfect so do I trust my gut and do I trust that feeling that I think it's love and that it's still love and wait for the ball to drop yet again? It's a hard decision to make. Then on the other side, you're sick about somebody else in your life that you're extremely close to. They made a bad decision and now they have to suffer the consequences and you're beside yourself worried about it. And all I can do is pray. I just pray and I pray every day that my troubled waters will soon settle and all the people that I love that are lost in their own little way will find their own happiness. Isn't that the one thing that we all ultimately want but yet it's one of the hardest things to achieve? For me, I'm content with the here and now but when I sit and think about the big picture, about my whole life and put it in perspective things like could still have that I don't, things I miss and things I lost. I have a lot of discovering to go. Discovery in myself and coming to terms with my reality. that's why I hate having bipolar so much. I used to be so much worse than I am now. I always would think in the moment and not of the long-term effects. And I would always regret my decisions. Hopefully, it doesn't take me the rest of my life to see my reality Hopefully it won't be too late to get back those things that I lost. All I can do is pray to JC. 🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤