Sitting here alone gives me a lot of time to think about this relationship that ended before it should have. Why I loved him so much and how I've never felt like that towards anybody before. In the beginning, I was obsessed. We would make love every day numerous times and I still couldn't get enough. There was even one day I think we hit thirteen times. I would say that would be about a record for anybody. And when I went out into public all I saw was him. Men were just people to me and nothing more. But then something changed. I started resenting him. I couldn't understand how he could continuously say he loved me and hurt me again. I would catch him talking to other women and he would tell me he was sorry and said he'd never do it again. Then I'd catch him a few months later. What person could look you straight in the eyes and lie and love you? How can a person love you and knowingly hurt you over and over?
Never in my life have I got in a fight before and hit anybody. Towards the end I got so mad at him I punched him. That was so not me. And I was always afraid of men. But I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't afraid of him which was scary cuz he was probably one of the strongest men I've been with and probably the one that could have done the most damage to me. I guess I figured he already crushed my heart so it didn't matter if he crushed anything else. He crushed it every day and I forgave him constantly. Our relationship consisted of hurt and lies. I hated looking like a fool. Every single person that knew him told me to run, that I was better than that and I deserved so much more. That he didn't deserve me. I even became homeless just to be by his side. I sacrificed so much because I loved him more than anything in the world but I hated him just as much. I chose him over everything. Now here I sit thinking about three years wasted. I'm so proud of myself because if this would have been four years ago or three and a half even I would have collapsed and died. But I'm sitting here alone as I have all day with the thoughts in my mind and yes I'm sad but I'm determined. I can and I will persevere because everybody else was right I was wrong. I am better than that. I proved impossible to myself. And tomorrow will be another day. I will wake up and smile because I am strong and I am beautiful.
Never in my life have I got in a fight before and hit anybody. Towards the end I got so mad at him I punched him. That was so not me. And I was always afraid of men. But I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't afraid of him which was scary cuz he was probably one of the strongest men I've been with and probably the one that could have done the most damage to me. I guess I figured he already crushed my heart so it didn't matter if he crushed anything else. He crushed it every day and I forgave him constantly. Our relationship consisted of hurt and lies. I hated looking like a fool. Every single person that knew him told me to run, that I was better than that and I deserved so much more. That he didn't deserve me. I even became homeless just to be by his side. I sacrificed so much because I loved him more than anything in the world but I hated him just as much. I chose him over everything. Now here I sit thinking about three years wasted. I'm so proud of myself because if this would have been four years ago or three and a half even I would have collapsed and died. But I'm sitting here alone as I have all day with the thoughts in my mind and yes I'm sad but I'm determined. I can and I will persevere because everybody else was right I was wrong. I am better than that. I proved impossible to myself. And tomorrow will be another day. I will wake up and smile because I am strong and I am beautiful.