PAPA BEAR

     This week was more than I could bear. First not having my boys for the holiday then the unthinkable happens. I get word that one of my dear friends was hit by a truck and killed while riding her bike. Her dog was with her as well and killed. There are so many things that I never got to say to her. I'm heartbroken and I can't get her out of my mind. I'm gonna miss her so much I can't even describe it. She was my friend, my family, and my sister. Instantly when we met we formed a friendship that I'll never have again with anyone. It didn't matter where she was or what she was doing if I needed to talk she was there. I knew whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, she wouldn't be far away. And it's funny because the last year she's been going through it herself, having a harder time than most. But despite all her issues, she was there for me no questions asked. And I tried to be there for her as well as best I could. I can't believe she's really gone, I think I'm still in shock. Tonight though I finally broke down and cried, something I've tried to hold in the last few days. I hope she's found peace, wherever she is. Papa Bear please walk beside me and guide me as you always have, I love you. #RIPNoraAnne #PapaBear #MommaBear #LoveYou Always

CHRISTMAS KARMA

     Is it just me or does the holidays always bring out the "everything" in people? Every emotion that you could possibly feel comes to surface full throttle. I feel like I'm drowning in a endless sea pulling under everyone and giving a new meaning to the saying misery loves company. And no, I'm not seeking sympathy, I'm venting to myself. After all, this is supposed to be the place that I go to, to get everything out. A place that I know I wont be judged or have to look at anyone's face as I'm speaking. I wish that I could say that I am excited about the upcoming holiday, but quite frankly I'm not. This is another year without my precious babies, and if I had my way I'd just sleep until the New Year. It's my own fault though and I have no one to blame but myself. I never should have left PA, I should have just stuck it out and risked being beat to death by that asshole. But I thought it was the right thing to do because I didn't want my kids to have to bury their mother. But I will say this, maybe I should have just stuck it out and hoped for the best. Because what I'm going through is far worse than any hell could be. This is my punishment, this is my karma...

SOMEDAY SOON

     So, yesterday started and ended like any other except for one EXTREMELY important thing, it was my babys' birthday. My last child ill will have ever had is celebrating his birthday and I couldn't even tell him Happy Birthday. I couldn't even tell I'm sorry. That I loved him. He's gonna grow up thinking I don't want him, that I don't wanna be bothered by him. Who the fuck decides that?  Here it is and these are facts. I love all three of my precious angels. And even though my Justin hates me right now my chapter in their lives will never be closed. Finishing my book, that was for them. Surviving another day, for them as well. I want something that they'll be proud of. I wanna make a difference in the world enough that they'll be proud to say, "That's my mom." And I know that it won't be today because that evil piece of shit has brainwashed them, but  promise you someday they will. But for today I'll just Happy Birthday my dear sweet Luca, mommy loves you and can't wait for someday to come...

REJECTION

     Wow, I just realized how long its been since I actually wrote an entry. I have been swamped helping out with car sales and putting the finishing touches on my book. I've even sent it out to seven agents. I have to tell you that I'm worried. Rejection is a feeling that I know all too well and for me its gonna hurt. It took me a year to the month to complete it and honestly, I don't think I've ever been so passionate about something. Like I really love to write. Even though the story was mine it still takes a lot to have an imagination, while your dying inside. But for me, I shut off that part of my brain and just wrote, letting my thoughts and feelings flow through my fingers and onto the screen.Besides the birth of my kids I have never been more proud. I hope that even though my story is blunt and brutally honest they are still proud of me. All my life I've been such a disappointment not just to them but to everyone. I hope that this blog and now my book will help change their minds. Show them that I'm doing the best I can and they all should be proud of that, I know I am.

IT'S IN THE GENES

     Ok so maybe my last post was a little too harsh. But it's in my nature, I can't help it. I come from a long line of bitches on both my mother and father's sides and we are proud to be that way. Sure, I may have been a late bloomer, just recently perfecting the craft, but better late than never I always say. But despite all that sometimes maybe I just need to hold my tongue, or my fingers in this case. I've always been proud to be the sense of reason for most and that was definitely not any type of sensible reasoning going on there. Sometimes I yap now and think about what I said later. But I'm human what can I say. I will fuck up and I will make mistakes. Anyway onto a brighter note, I finished my book. 70,000 words later I finally finished my book. It's taken me a year to do and honestly, I didn't know I could find that much to talk about. How does my life have enough context to fill a 200+ page book. It's crazy. I still have to find a good editor and then write my query letter. Writing that maybe harder than writing the book I think. Whatever the case may be though im relieved to have it done and nervous of what's to come.

DUMMY AT THE DINNER TABLE

     Well another holiday over, thank god. I almost didn't write tonight but I figured that I had better. I wish I could tell you that my Thanksgiving was joyous and full of laughter but unfortunately I can't. I will say though that I was extremely grateful and appreciative that my mom invited us over for dinner. She, however, did not foresee what would happen if she put my grandma's asshole boyfriend and me together. Not a good thing. As soon as we sat down his gums started flapping. Then as soon as my other half got up to leave the table he started to say something and I cut him off at the jump. Not on Thanksgiving. Be good Aprel I kept repeating to myself, don't throw a gasket in a person's home that you just met. Your mom will most definitely kill you. So I kept my little mouth shut and walked outside. As I started to mumble something to my love damned if he didn't stroll outside as well. I was cold but answered as he spoke. And I would have been able to just shrug off the events that happened inside if he hadn't started on me again. This time it was way too far. He started asking us about our finances! Can you believe it? First, he drilled me about how we made our finances and then what our bills are. I came back at him like a momma bear protecting her cubs. His nosey attitude was the last thing that I needed today. It was Thanksgiving and I was without my boys...yet again. My heart was breaking and pissed when I walked in that house and he just made it worse. Today was definitely not the day to fuck with me...

DIFFERENCE

     Funny how things can end up in life. People that make such a difference to the world in whatever case it may be pass away and eventually they are forgotten about only being a distant memory. People that you once loved end up being your worst enemy and vice versa. And how about family? Ones that you spent every waking moment with are all of the sudden too busy to pick up a phone or shoot a text to say hello. I am guilty myself of being too busy with things that don't really matter. I forget to remember to tell the ones that matter the most that I'm thinking of them, even just by saying hello. Society is so much different now even than it was ten years ago. People didn't respond to others with a text, they called them or went to visit. But now we all forget the things that matter most in our lives and dwell on the things that really don't matter in the long run. The world is so ugly and full of greed. I just have to wonder if God is shaking his head in disappointment, watching all of us. He started everything over once, I wonder if he's planning to have another go at it.. And no, this isn't me being pessimistic, it's reality. I'm not sure what happened to all of us, how the world got so ugly, but it has. People used to be nice to one another, helping others in any way possible. Now most would just walk past a homeless person cold and begging for food, not giving him a second thought. But that's what's accepted nowadays, that's society. And what about judgement? If a person isnt judged for one thing they will surely be judged for something else. For example, in my case mental health. Back when I was a teenager and trying to figure out why I was how I was, there wasnt a day that I didnt get made fun of. But that was for one reason and one reason only. Because mental health was kept hush hush. People really were uneducated when it came to the disease. So therefore, they didn't understand it.  They treated it like a disease that meant you were downright crazy and belonged in a insane isalym. And the funny thing about that is most of those people had mental health disorders themselves, just undiagnosed.. In the case of mental health, its the opposite now. People were ugly towards it back then but dont give it a second thought now negatively. I really thought when I started this blog a year ago that I would be ridiculed and laughed at. But honestly its been the opposite. And although its surprising its comforting just the same. Now my question to you is, if a person can treat a person with bipolar no different than anyone else, then why are we afraid to acknowledge that homeless person who just wanted a warm blanket and warm meal? I'll never understand people. But maybe I'm not meant to. Only God knows that for sure.

AUNT MONIQUE'S DYING WISH

     So I never really talk about my family on here, but I just had to tonight. Looking back even though I went through my hard times, I still have some fond memories as a child. I was blessed enough to have my great-grandmother with me until the age of twelve. I remember spending every opportunity I could with her., along with my cousin Jackie. Also, Jackie and I were incredibly close to our Aunt Patty (or as we called her Aunt Monique) whom took care of gram until she passed in 1993. That was a year that my life took a downward spiral and I was diagnosed with all of my mental health disorders. My parents also divorced earlier that year, so any chance at happiness was non-existent. Anyway, after her passing my aunt and I became even closer. At one point my mom, my brother and I even lived in an apartment adjacent to my aunt's home which she had moved back into. But after her husband died his children forced her to leave her home. So of course, she went back to live in her mother's home with her brother and his girlfriend. She stayed there until she too couldn't take care of herself and had to stay in a county facility. She passed in 2015 breaking the hearts of so many of my family members. Before she passed my aunt had one dying wish, my grandmother's home stays in the family, no matter what. She told this to my mother and my mother being the spitfire that she is honored that wish. After all of the other family members that owned percentages of the house signed off on it, the house was hers. You have no idea how happy this makes me. While my mother went back to Pittsburgh just recently, she came across numerous belonging of my aunts and even my great grandmothers. She surprised me with heirlooms that were both of theirs and I was ecstatic. I know this sounds crazy, but my aunt saved me these last four years, even from beyond the grave. Through all of my hardship and obstacles I've faced, there's been one thing that has never left my side, A small bag with some of her cremains in it. I know it sounds morbid, but I know she was one of my angels that kept me safe. On the flip side, I am pissed beyond belief. She has been gone for four years and in that time she was never laid to rest or placed in an urn. She was just tossed in a closet and forgotten about, still in the plastic bag and box that the county placed her in. My mother, whom I can't thank enough came to her rescue just recently and brought her home to Florida to be with us. Finally, thanks to my mom, her dying wish has been honored. She has fulfilled her unfinished business and she can sit beside the Lord where she always belonged.

FREE WILL

     So it's been a minute since I posted on here. I've been so busy with everything going on in my world and busy working on my book. It's been a year this month since I started writing it and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. Since it's a memoir I've been reliving everything that has gone on in my life, good and bad. It's crazy that in just 37 years I can fill a book with so many things. I always thought that my life was boring and empty, doing the same things every day so much that I have a routine, but it's really not that way at all. From my parent's divorce, being bullied, suffering mental illness, and a present-day narcissistic trauma-related relationship, I've dealt with it all. I'm so excited to hopefully find an agent and publisher and get it out there for the world to read.

RE-EVALUATION

     I have a confession to make and it is this. I am human and unfortunately, sometimes I am a glutton for punishment. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I forgive too easily when sometimes I shouldn't. Whoever said that being in love is total bliss, well they are full of shit. And I'm just gonna leave it at that. Anyway, so lately I've been reevaluating my life. Deciding where in fact I need to change my ways, change my surroundings and maybe change my day to day company. I feel so lost right now like I don't have a reason for being. I miss my boys so much that it physically makes me ill. I've had my medications adjusted to help me deal with life a little better, but I honestly don't think that there is a big enough pill out there to put a bandaid on my mommy issues.

CENTER STAGE

     I'm sure that every one of you have experienced a time in your life where you felt as if you were just existing. Not making a difference in the world and not having a life goal. For me, I've felt that way more times than not, even if it was only in my head at that moment. That would be my mental illness revealing itself, making me it's only audience. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. For example, I feel like the biggest pile of shit right now.

ME, MYSELF AND I

     Throughout my 37 years on this plane it has taken me this long to figure out that each and every one of us truly are all alone. What I mean by that is people that you thought you had you really never had them at all, they're just there at the moment most the time to benefit themselves. And then when things don't go their way and everything you have is gone your just a distant memory to them and they wipe their feet and kick up the dirt in your face as they walk away and never look back.

FAITH

     My world's been kind of crazy lately but the one thing that's always been there has been my faith. My faith in life, my faith in love, my faith in trust and honor, but mostly my faith in God. I'd like to think that he's the reason I've gotten as far as I have. That he's the one that has taught me all the lessons that I've learned in life. My morals are strong and even though it doesn't happen 100% of the time I expect to be treated the way I treat others. I don't understand how people can be so cold towards other people having no regard for their feelings and be able to hurt them and not feel guilty.

PLAN B

     Tonight I have a lot on my mind. I'm thinking about him, thinking about my boys and wondering if my future is gonna turn out how it's intended to be, the way God planned for it to be or will I choose to walk the path to the left. It'll still be a path towards God because I'll never leave his side, it would be the path I was meant to take it would be plan A. Then it hit me that I've always taken plan B because it was safer and without risk. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I've always taken the back road to happiness, always settling for second best and even being one myself. I was comfortable standing in the background because I was embarrassed by who I had come to be.

#STOPSUICIDE

Ok so I know that it is 8 Mos away but there is tons of preparations to do to make this event epic. I need to start getting sponsors together to help with the venue, dinner and win-a-date things. So I'm not asking for money but for sponsors that will help closer to the event. Before we know it June 5th will be here and we wanna make this one of the best charity events ever. The more help and the more addendees, the more help those with mental illness can get and the less suicides will occur. We r all special and deserve to live our lives the way God intended us too. thank you all in advance for helping me in the fight against stopping suicide. God bless. #STOPSUICIDE ❤️❤️❤️❤️

GODS PERFECT IMPERFECTIONS

     So, today I officially started what is going to be a long but definitely worth it task of putting together the greatest and most beneficial charity event that anyone has ever seen. This is by far one of the most exciting things I have ever done and I can't wait to get it all together and see the end result. I am blessed to have such a great support system in regard to this cause and so many people reaching out to me to see if they can help. Only one day since I announced it and already more than I imagined. It makes me so happy because it shows me that people are paying attention to what I have to say and are supportive of my blog which to be honest I was a little nervous that it would flop. I had my apprehensions about just telling my whole life good and bad, holding nothing back. I was afraid of what people would think of me and afraid that my family would have one more thing to be embarrassed about when it came to me. And for some family members that was the case and I was told that it was inappropriate to reveal all my dirty laundry, which in some instances revealed theirs as well.

#INDAH'SEYES HOLDS A CHARITY EVENT!

SO AFTER WAITING FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER I GOT THE OKAY FROM THE AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION THAT I CAN DO A CHARITY EVENT. I'M SO EXCITED!! ❤️ ❤️ I'M PLANNING ON DOING A BANQUET WITH MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT AND A WIN A DATE WITH YOURS TRULY AND A FEW OTHERS. IT'S GONNA BE EPIC!!! 

MOVING ON

So I gotta be honest, even though I love my bubble and being alone, I'm starting to get a little lonely. I mean I can only talk to my dog so much. And I think that I know why. I think that in the four years that we were together I was actually alone more than I was with somebody. Especially the last year since we've been here and since he got his first scooter. He was gone constantly and even when he was here he really wasn't here so I spent a lot of time by myself. Another issue that we had was the fact that in the last year that we were together all we did was fight constantly. We just couldn't get along which I didn't understand because for the first year and a half of our relationship we didn't fight one time.

OSCAR

Well, what can I say, sometimes I don't make the right choices. A week had passed that he was away and my heart hurt so much that when he called and told me that he had nowhere to go I felt bad and let him come back. Sometimes I swear I can be such a dummy. It didn't take him long to leave again, two nights to be exact, and he was gone again. I just don't get it. He has to be the grimiest of anyone I've ever met. When he came back he literally cried telling me how sorry he was and that he couldn't live without me. and he sounded so sincere. I got to hand it to him, the boy could win an oscar. It was just so cruel because we got along so well and then poof, he went to work and never came back. I got an excuse that he needed to go somewhere for a friend but when he never came home I knew the real reason. And when I spoke with him that night he really bawled confessing his love. What an ass. I can't for the life of me figure out what's so wrong with me. I mean, I'm not that hideous. And through all of this, I met a great friend. Someone that I could see as maybe more. Someone who would actually treat me with some respect. And that would be good for me. But I fear that because I keep staying on this rollercoaster with a certain person, I fear I totally screwed it up. 

SEE YOU AND SMILE

      It's funny how all of this has affected me more than I thought it would. I assumed that since it had happened so many times before that I wouldn't feel a thing, that I'd be numb to it all. But the fact of the matter is that's not true at all. In all honesty, I'm a mess. A full-blown, ready to lose my mind mess. And I can't believe how much I miss the little things he did that used to make me laugh and that I loved about him. Hell, I kinda even miss the things he did that used to drive me bat shit crazy. Although we fought so much towards the end and became literally strangers, I still loved him with every ounce of my being. He is and always will be my soulmate and the one who stole my heart.
      He was it for me, no questions asked, and I honestly don't know where to go from here. I lost him so long ago in reality if I really had him at all. I'd like to think that at some point that he did love me in his own way, the only way he knew how. But I could be wrong. So much cheating and so many lies make me question and wonder if it was just the fact that he was comfortable with me and I took care of him. He told me time and time again that he did love me, but it was so easy for him to tell someone else so fast. Even tell me. So my question to myself is, now what? What I do know is I have to do me right now and try to find myself again, something that I lost somewhere in the last four years without even realizing it. I have no idea though where to even start. Right now I feel like a shell of myself like I lost half of who I was. He was the one who took my breath away and although he disrespected me more times than I can count, he never did wrong in my eyes. Was it that I was nieve? Maybe. Or was it the fact that I loved him so much? Also a possibility. And I know that there will be others when the time is right, but I know for certain I will never love another like I did him. People come and go in our lives so much, only some leaving an imprint that goes so deep into your bones that you never forget. He was the only one who was able to leave an imprint on my heart, something that some have tried but never succeeded. All the others only saw Aprel, the Aprel that wore so many masks and never were able to see the real me and bring down my walls. With him though he saw it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he helped me believe it or not to become the person I am today. He showed me how the real world really was and how to stand on my own two feet. And for that, I will always be grateful. And even though this chapter of my life has come to a close, my journey will still continue. And maybe someday we will cross paths again if only for a second, and I'll be able to look at him and smile and remember the one who stole my heart... 

A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON LIES

     Well, peeps tonight's post marks my 100th post since launching #InDah'sEyes back in November of last year. Thank you for following me this far in my journey and viewing my soap opera over 10,000 times in less than a year. I appreciate it more than you know. Tonight I wish I could say that I am in a great mood but I would be lying. And I made a deal with God a few years back that I would try to avoid that at all costs. Here it is almost midnight and I'm alone once again. I was right to trust my gut. This chaos with him wasn't going to end and it hasn't. Sunday night he made his usual excuse that he was going with a friend. But instead of staying gone he came back about eight the next morning.

DENIAL

      How can you turn away someone you love so much? How can you just walk away from someone who has truly had your heart for the last four years? The only one you've ever truly let in and put your walls down for? I was still trying to figure out what stage of grief I was in, knowing that there was no way I could only be in the first stage which is denial. I very well may be though since this roller coaster has just continued and continued not ever having an end date, never giving me time to heal. Just when I thought things were starting to calm down I was again hit by something else. Usually another woman and in turn another lie.

EMPTY

      That night my friend came over and kept me company trying to preoccupy my mind. But despite her best efforts I couldn't stop thinking about my situation. I was so disappointed in myself. How could someone with an IQ of one thirty-five be so dumb? What the hell was so special about him that I could let him do this to me over and over again? And take him back every single time. When am I gonna feel like enough is enough?

THIRTY-0NE

     That night we talked, probably the calmest we had talked in a long time. It was weird because for the first time in so long the talking wasn't followed by screaming. We actually had an adult conversation and it scared the crap out of me. He promised me again that it would never happen and apologized once again for everything that he had done. I knew better than to believe him because every time he's said that I knew that eventually there would be more to come. I made him promise me that he would never speak to her again and then he was to block her number and he agreed.

SILENCE

    That day I did some things I shouldn't have done and definitely not proud of, God was probably so disappointed. I blew up both their phones, saying whatever I could to stir a response. Well with her anyway. With him I knew his style, he would read everything that I wrote word for word but never respond. Instead, he would totally analyze it and think. Think so much that it would make him nuts. Never saying anything to me or even out loud but inside he would be screaming out in pain. I know that two wrongs don't make a right and revenge is a sin in Gods eyes but at that moment I didn't care. The hurt I had inside I can't even put into words and I wanted them to feel it too.

SNEAK ATTACK

      In order to catch a sneak sometimes, you have to become one yourself. Which is exactly what I've done for the last two years. I knew there was something going on I just couldn't quite put my finger on it yet. The only way for me to figure it out was to play inspector gadget once more and go snooping. When it came to me, I allowed him no privacy. Everything he had to communicate with the outside world I paid for and/or it was in my name. All for a reason folks. This girl is no dummy when it comes to that. But yet a dummy if you look at the big picture. How do you wrap your head around that one?

THAT "AH HUH " MOMENT

      The next week, week and a half went by. I tried as hard as I could to be on my best behavior with him. I hardly bitched at all. There were times that he jumped down my throat because he thought I was actually was bitching when in fact I wasn't. He said he was just so used to me doing it that he automatically thinks I constantly am. Goes to show me that he really never listens to me at all. So that's how our week went. Calm. We got along like we used to and I tried as hard as I could to make an effort to show him that I was trying. He started working at a new car dealership the next town over and I even agreed to start posting the vehicles and setting up appointments for him again. The third day when he got home from work I got right on my computer. There wasn't a damn thing he could say that I had done wrong the whole week.

HANGING HIMSELF WITH MY KINDNESS

As I listened to him I had to chuckle to myself. Chuckled because yet again I hear the same words as before. And before I would let him ramble and when he deflected the blame and told me it was because I did something to cause him to act this way I would accept it and move on. Lately, though I fought right back and called him on his bullshit. And he hated it. After all, a narcissist always has to come out on top. And he hated it when I proved him wrong. I don't care what anyone does or says, you don't cheat. If you arent happy you end the relationship. Something he's never been able to do. I mean think about it. If he did he would pay all the bills and support him? Anyway, after his sob story was over I just sat there waiting to see if he would come clean about any wrongdoings he had done. Nothing. Not one damn thing. I figured that it would all come out in the wash anyway. And I was gonna make sure he was around to hear it. My god how the lord works in mysterious ways...the next day I received a phone call.

LOOKING THROUGH EMPTY EYES

      He answered quickly which was unusual for him the last few weeks. I knew right then something was wrong and once again he needed me to save him in one way or another. When he said hello my response was simple, "Okay, what trouble did you get yourself into now?" "Aprel, I need you to call me an uber to come home." I didn't understand until he proceeded to tell me that his flame had left him outside an apartment for lord knows how long while she was inside doing god knows what. He said he left her there and drove to a Circle K to have me uber him home, leaving her keys under the seat and texting her the info. I should have known. She must have disrespected him by leaving him in the car and disrespect is one thing that is a big no-no for him. Even though it's okay for him to do it to others. It being done to him is a total deal-breaker. Me, being the sap that I am and loving him for what I don't know,  I asked him which Circle K he was at and sent him an Uber. I still didn't know what I was going to say to him or what to even do.

IDK WHY I'M THINKING OF YOU, I'M SORRY...

     I called him right away preparing myself for an over the phone battle. But to my surprise, I had no fight left in me. All I could do was sob. Now I felt like an even bigger idiot, how dare he get me to my point of utter weakness. When I asked why he had taken all his things while I was asleep he said that he had stayed with me to make sure I was okay but was afraid and panicked. His flight or fight instinct was almost always flight and that's exactly what he did. He had left me alone once more, beaten, battered and scarred.
As the day progressed I spent the whole day in bed in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening again. With us, our relationship is different. Even though we fight and do things to each other that we aren't proud of, we both know that we will end up back together. In my eyes we are soulmates and the fights that we get in are just that. Fights. Then we make up and are fine within a few days. But this time, I wasn't quite sure. I knew that he was really catching feelings for this shardwhore and it totally took me for a loop.

COWARDS WAY OUT

     I can only come up with two explanations as to my actions this past week. One, I have truly been given a gift from God to be open-minded and have a big ass heart, or scenario number two, I'm dumber than a box of rocks. I haven't decided yet which. So I was told by a certain person that his fling had gone to Orlando to go to rehab. I know him so I knew better. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. And just as I suspected, rehab was not in her plans.

THE HUNT

     Im still trying to make sense of all of this. How he could go from a ten (me) to someone who is so nasty there is no number for her. But wouldn't ya know after a 3-day whore fest guess who came crawling back and crying the blues like always. Yep. With his dick between his legs and all. Same story as always, I love you,  nothing happened. I've heard that so many times that I know the exact second he's gonna say it. Then get this, he's back one night and says he would be right back the next night and is gone for two more!

TAKING OUT THE TRASH

     So today my day was eventful but yet it was very difficult. I had an appointment at 3 p.m. to go to the state attorney's office about what happened the night he beat me up. I was panicked because I didn't know what to do. I didn't think he needed to go to jail I just think he needed help. After my appointment, I came home and asked him when he is coming to get his things and he never answered. A short time later I hear rustling and I walk outside to see him standing beside his bike. I told him that he may come in if he needed to get his things and I asked him very calmly if his girlfriend brought him. He got very defensive and said I don't have a girlfriend I haven't seen her in days. So as he's packing up some of his stuff I'm talking to him and of course, he's blaming everything on me go figure that one. I have this urge to go outside and walk down the street and lo and behold there she is parked in her car waiting for him. He thinks I'm stupid and he thought that I didn't know from the get-go what really was going on. So now instead of my heart being broken I am pissed beyond belief. I'm half tempted to take the rest of his belongings and put them in a pile and catch him on fire because that's what he deserves. They both deserve each other because they're both trash. It'll only be a matter of time before the hooker is in jail or dead along with him.

FACING THE MUSIC

      So yesterday,  low and behold guess who showed up? Yep, you guessed it, dipshit. It was around the same time it always is when he comes back after a night out, elevenish. Check out time. He came up with some lie and said he was all over but never admitting he was at the Belmont. So I let it go and played it cool so I wouldn't get in another argument with him. I did ask him about Rachel and he said he was never with her which I knew was a full out lie. And he told me that she was just a friend which I knew too was a lie. So I told him that if she was just a friend then he should invite her over. He totally ignored that comment. So I told him that I was gonna contact her and I did just that. I even apologized for all the mean things I said to her because I am a bigger person than that. she finally responded telling me that she didn't know what to say but asked me if she could come over so we could talk face to face and I agreed. By this time he had left going to go check on the car. When she arrived I couldn't comprehend what he saw in her. she wasn't ugly but in no way was she on my level. Plain jane with a big old needle mark on her arm. How attractive.

BLINDED BY LOVE

     I must be the biggest idiot in the world. I could slap the shit outta myself because I know better. I know him. After spending four days in jail I went to the pawnshop with a bunch of his things to get up enough money to bond him out. Then when I had enough I sent one of our friends up to sign for his bond. What was I thinking? This man never had any intention of working things out with me and continued talking to her even when I did all the leg work to get him out. He continued to play me until I found her number listed under another fake name. Of course, he denied doing it and got pissed off and stormed out of the room when I confronted him. Then after looking through his phone records, I saw that he had been talking to her every single day since he got out. And lied to my face every time I asked him if he had. How could he treat me like this after everything I've done for him? How could he be so cruel? So after our argument, he left to guess where? Yep to be with her. He shut off his GPS thinking that I'd think his phone was off. Well, that was seven hours ago and I've spent the whole day crying, pissed at myself and pissed at him. What makes him so important, so special, that I could let him do this to me over and over? 

SEALED SHUT THE CONCLUSION

     As I was sitting there listening to him save his own ass I thought about the last four years and everything that we had been through. The good time and the bad, trying to figure out what had happened to us. How we went from not a bicker for the first year and a half to this. It just didnt seem fair. At one point we were so much in love. Or at least I was. I thought he was too. But I know that he couldn't have been. Maybe he thought he was but I'm not sure he even knows what love is. Four years of emotional abuse, cheating and now physical abuse. It had just gotten worse as time went on, him caring a little less every day. His words to the cops let me know I was right lying to them and making me look bad to save his own ass. I didnt want him going to jail over this, I knew that he just needed a break. But the cops didnt take no for an answer and off in handcuffs he went. I was told that he would be ROR'd and out the next day but that didnt happen either. He was charged with a misdemeanor domestic battery and to my surprise and dread a felony.  The felony was for tampering with evidence which I didnt understand at first. I was told he received that for trying to take my phone to call first help.
     That night and throughout the next day my friends took shifts and stayed by my side. When he called me the next day I knew what I was about to deal with. Sure enough he was crying and apologizing for everything. Almost the same storyline he had when he was in there for breaking my nose. I could have almost written it myself. I told him that I forgave him like I always did but told him things had to change. He agreed and begged me to find a way to get him out. I told him I would work on it and I hung up the phone. The next day he called again and acted like a totally different person. He told me after that he acted this way to light a fire under my ass but I knew which personality was the real one. I needed him out though because even though he scared me at the moment some weirdo who began stalking me the day after he went in scared me more, banging on my doors and windows at four am. It terrified me. And over the next couple days even though I was still hurt by what he had done to me I missed him terribly. When he was bonded out four days later everything went back to how it was before. The I'm sorry's were again just words...

SEALED SHUT PART TWO

      Looking down at the phone I panicked, for two reasons. One, I was terribly afraid and shocked by what had just happened. I couldn't understand how someone who claimed to love me could hurt me. Secondly, I didn't know what to say to the 911 operator. Should I tell them what was wrong or just play it off as an accident? I was torn as crazy as that sounds. I was terrified that he would hurt me again but yet I didn't wanna say anything and have him taken away from me. All he needed was to cool down but I knew they would take him to jail. I answered the phone trying to sound calm but my voice was trembling terribly. When the 911 operator asked if I was okay, I quickly replied yes and told her that I didn't need assistance. She didn't buy it and told me the police had already been dispatched.

SEALED SHUT PART ONE

      I started writing this Friday and only got a few sentences written when I had to stop because I couldn't see through the tears. This is as far as I got... 

      If I was in any condition last night I would have had so much to write. Unfortunately, I wasn't. Dipshit had disappeared again for the night. "I slept in the car last night." This is what I heard. Yeah right, you piece of shit. So yesterday was spent screaming and then it got even worse. My Chromebook went flying because I took the keys to MY car when I told him to get the fuck out when his ride came. Unfortunately, his friends bolted leaving him behind when the bitch came out of me. I picked up my laptop, gave him a fuck you and descended to my room, keys in my bra. I knew that he was fired up so along the way I made sure I locked him out of the main house. Big mistake. He started screaming, pulling the door in an unsuccessful attempt to get it open. I knew if I didn't go back and open it my Florida room would be no more. So reluctantly I walked back out, unlocked the door and scurried in my room.

HOTEL HOE

     Well, there's so much to write I don't even know where to begin. First off, all those things I said about him trying in my last post, yeah they were all an act. I caught him with another chick last week. They claim they didn't sleep together but I'm not stupid. When I caught him he knew he was in trouble so I told him to leave. Later that day obviously panicked, he came home and asked me to marry him ring and all. He told me the same bullshit story, that it would never happen again. Fast forward to five days later.....
       The day started out like any other, I woke up and remembered that Mr. Energy had done laundry at like six am. I assumed that he had brought it back up to the house for me to hang on the line. It was now around ten and not a piece of clothing in sight. So I called him and they were still down in the washer. Four hours later. I was pissed. I hate the fact that everything always has to be his way or done on his time. Total bullshit. I never have a say or my own voice. Both are totally gone. So I did what I always do when I'm pissed at him and he's not home, I called him up.

WHAT MONEY CAN'T BUY

      Lord help me, I need a change. My days consist of this...I wake up and of course, I thank god for another morning he's blessed me with. I hop my happy ass outta bed and tend to my baby girl, my Yorkie Ming. Thank god for Ming, my savior. Anyway, throughout the day I puttsy around (as my pappy Plutch used to say, God rest his soul) cleaning up the house, posting cars online and making appointments. I even have time to play my online games at some point. And in between all of that, I do my two-hour routine to get ready for the day. Yep, it takes me to hours to get ready every day from start to finish. And that's not counting a shower. What can I say, its hard work being beautiful. Usually, by the time all of that is done its always around the same time. Instantly there's a feeling that comes over me because I know what's to come. His arrival home from work. Granted it hardly ever starts out bad by the end of the night I'm done with the day. At some point, there is always a fight and I revert back to my bubble. I've really been trying to go out and spend time with him but within ten minutes we are fighting again and I'm gathering my belongings to run back to my room.

DREAMING REALITY

      Another day.....same as the day before. Alone, except for my dog even when there are people here. I choose it to be this way though. I spend so much time thinking about my life, my kids and my future. Throwing ideas around in my head and carefully acting out every scenario. I know one thing for certain, this can't be it for me. There has to be more. If I continue to close myself off from the world and live my days and nights alone I surely won't last. Not to mention the fact that I'm thirty-seven years old and I have never truly felt love returned from someone I loved with everything in a romantic sense. Not even after being in this relationship for four years. Come to think of it there was only a short time I felt the love in return for my own, and that's when I had my babies with me. But that asshole, that evil man took that all away. And I'll never forgive him for that. I dream about my boys constantly sometimes two or three times a week. and it's weird because it's always the same scenario, Justin pushing me away and telling me he hates me. And of course, I wake up in tears and ask God for forgiveness for leaving them, and yell at him for making me feel as if the decision to move here was the right one. Dreaming about them constantly tells me one thing for sure....that the root of my problem is not having them by my side. And as I get older I realize that all the other things that have been going on would be like this: A) I wouldn't even put myself in a position to live the storyline I have, or B) At the first sense of chaos I would have made it known that it was unacceptable for me to be treated that way. And it would be my way or the highway.

CURVEBALL

       Life is hard, as we all know. Sometimes the things that are thrown our way we aren't prepared to take on. Curveballs in life are common happening to everyone every day. In a perfect world, we would live in bliss with nothing to fear and not a care in the world. Realistically though life like that comes later in our existence. I had debated on whether to write tonights post for the last four days but I think it'll make me feel better.
       A few days ago while Bryant was at work he got the call. This was a long-awaited call that would change his world forever. His father, whom his relationship with was anything but normal, lost his battle with cancer. From what we found out the doctors said he had had it for twenty years and didn't even know it. It wasn't until last year when he started showing symptoms that he was diagnosed. By that time though it was really too late. It had already progressed to Stage Four. At that time Pops was offered chemo and radiation and he agreed. But only for a short time. He hated the way it made him feel and after a few treatments stopped. What was the point he had said in spending the time he had left sick? He wanted to enjoy what time he had despite the curveball that had been thrown his way. Up until a few months ago, it had worked for him too until his symptoms starting getting worse.

LOST AT SEA

      Lost inside myself, inside my own head lately. Pushed to the max, and drowning in an endless sea of need. Finding a way to get my nose above the water just long enough to take one breath of air, only to be pulled back under again. It's funny how the strength we think we don't have finds a way to push itself to the surface to help us get through another day. Inside I'm screaming but I'm smiling on the outside. The different facades that I possess are slowing starting to show themselves again. I had hidden them away and exposed myself for a while but obviously not without consequences. Could I have prevented this? Maybe. Do I have myself to blame for this? Probably so. For every action, there is always a reaction, good or bad. Decisions that I made years ago have brought me to this moment in my life, that I know for sure. I also know that nobody can help me to make this better. That I must do myself. I don't know how the backbone that I worked so hard to get back is slowly starting to become a distant memory. I need to muster up that inner strength that I know I have, that I've utilized before and been that girl I know. I need to muster up that strength so that I can find Aprel again. That girl everybody loves. The last couple of days I've had people reaching out to me just venting their problems and obstacles in their lives that they are facing. Then telling me that they have no idea why. In my mind, I'm thinking to myself, "obviously it's god willing you towards me, towards one of his healers, like so many others." I don't know if these people are being sent to me for a reason other than their own. Maybe it's thought that in helping others I'm helping myself as well. I'm not quite sure. How can my words sooth others when my own thoughts can't even soothe myself? I still firmly believe that in order to take care of anyone else you must first take care of yourself. How can a shattered soul give any type of effective, concrete advice? When they can't even practice what they preach to others? Wouldnt that make a person a hypocrite in one form or another?

EVERYBODY'S SHOULDER

     I'm stretched to the max as far as helping people goes. I don't know why everyone comes to me for a shoulder to cry on or to help them fix their fuckups. It's gotten to the point now where it's making me wanna pull my hair out. It's affecting me mentally and physically. Yesterday I literally snapped. I thought for sure my cheese had slid off my cracker. But at least this breakdown I remember. And as if I didn't have enough people asking for help, last night someone else came to me for advice. I know that God wants me to help those in need but how can I do that when I'm in need myself? It's an impossible thing to ask of me.  But here I am paper-thin and ready to break. And nobody gets it, nobody understands... I'm just expected to move mountains and fix everyone and all of their problems. I keep reminding myself that nothing is impossible and that I really must have some type of gift to have people living and non-living begging for my help. My cousin told me yesterday that when we had gotten off the phone one day she was crying. Someone had asked her what was wrong and she told them that I should be a motivational speaker. It touched me because I had never had someone say such kind words about me before. Could you imagine how much help I could give if I was at the top of my game? The possibilities would be endless I'm sure. But sadly that's all just a dream and I quickly pinch myself and fall back into reality. 

#INDAH'SEYES

WE ARE ALL IMPERFECT PERFECTIONS  OF OURSELVES

ANOTHER ONE AS SEEN ON FACEBOOK

So as I was scrolling down my Facebook feed I find yet another post about mental illness that touches my heart just as much. Shared from me to you❤

Ew, the way some of y’all view mental health is very very sad. ZERO understanding and ZERO empathy. To think y’all are raising kids in this fucked up world with that type of attitude is real scary. This world is already fucked up and it’s only getting worse. Mental health issues increased SIGNIFICANTLY in our adolescence and young adults in just the last 5 years. From 5.9% to 8.2%. Which doesn’t sound like a lot, but that’s enough people to FILL every Major League Baseball stadium on the east coast, TWICE. That’s 6 stadiums with capacities of 35-50 THOUSAND people EACH.

1 in 5 children ages 13-18 have it will have a serious mental illness. That’s 20% of youth ages 13-18. 13% ages 8-15.

Suicide is the THIRD leading cause of death in youth ages 10-24. 90% of those who committed suicide had an underlying mental illness.

Mental health conditions include but are not limited to depression, anxiety, mood disorder, behavior and conduct disorder, ADHD, etc..

Warning signs are feeling sad or withdrawn, self harm, risky behavior, sudden fear, significant weight loss or gain, mood swings, troubled relationships, drug and alcohol use, changes in sleeping habits, difficultly concentrating, intense worries or fears that interfere with daily activities, etc..

YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO NEED YOU. THEY ARE GOING TO NEED EVERY BIT OF YOU.

No, they are NOT weak or selfish. They are fighting something intangible that they do not understand. Let me say that again, they will be fighting something that they cannot see, that they cannot touch, and that the do not understand.

To call a mental illness “weak” or “selfish” is VERY weak and selfish.

THE MANY MASKS OF DAH

AS SEEN ON FACEBOOK

I read this evening on Facebook and I just felt compelled to share. It's a breath of fresh air when you read things like this and know you truly aren't alone.  To the one who wrote this, thank you❤


My reasons are personal about this...maybe if people's heads weren't buried in the sand of ignorance and they took the time to understand, instead of judging and thinking it won't happen to them because they have the perfect family, life would be a little bit easier for people that do experience this! This hits close to home for me, for family and friends who live under this shadow. The days of 'it' not being talked about or being taboo should be over. In the most difficult moments of life you realize who your true friends are, and the people who really appreciate you. Unfortunately, most social media 'friends' aren't true friends. They will send you a "like" here and there, but in reality, they do not take time to read your status if they see it's lengthy. More than half will stop reading right here, or have already scrolled on to the next post on their page. I decided to post this message in support of all those who continue to battle with their mental illness. (Suicide is at an all-time high). Now, let's see who will have taken the time to read this lengthy post right through to the end. If you have read everything so far, please "like" it so that I can put a thank you on your page. More mental health awareness is urgently needed. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean people aren't suffering. Please, try to spare a little of your time with someone who may just want to talk (about anything). Talking can help us all to cope a little more, keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. Most people will say, "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, I'll be there to help you" but will they? I believe a select few of my friends will post this, to show their support for those who may be struggling. You just have to copy and paste rather than sharing. I'd like to know who will take a minute out of their day to read this all the way to the end and then copy and paste it to their page, will you? If so, please write "done" in the comments. Thank you!

SURRENDER

      Surrender...thats what I'm about to do. I honestly don't know how much more strength I can muster. I'm so emotionally drained that I'm physically drained every-day as well.  Last week it got so bad that I had to call the cops because I became so afraid. And that takes a lot. But when you are face to face with someone stronger than you who is waving an ax towards you and punching holes in the walls it's hard not to want to seek protection. I guess when you tell me you hate me every-day you really mean it.  I mean you would have to truly hate someone to treat them that way. I know a lot has to do with the fact that I'm a bitch towards you a lot of the time but you have to ask yourself why.  Could it be all the resentment I hold towards you for all of the things you've done to me? Maybe the fact that you could lie, sneak , cheat and belittle me every-day?

BLIND EYE

       I hate days like today. The days that you try to avoid and put a bandaid on. I'm talking about the days when my eyes open for a second and realize just how bad it is.  How broken and damaged our relationship really is. I don't really pay attention to the distance that has taken place because I've taught myself that way.  I 've learned to turn a blind eye every-day to avoid my own mental demise. And I know this to be so true because it seems like lately, I've dove headfirst into trying to help others.  Because I've been trying at all costs to avoid my own. It's not healthy I know but compared to how the reality feels I'd choose this any day. And the realization is this...the damage is already done.  And the damage is more than I can explain. At this point, there's no way of repairing it. Before all this I never really trusted a man and now I know I never will. And the thought of ever being with someone else honestly makes me wanna vomit. The walls that nobody has been able to get through but him are now taller and stronger than ever before. And as I write this I'm sitting here shaking my head. How did it take me so long to find out what was really going on?

I'M THAT BITCH

    So, I gotta tell you this story...of how GOD has a way of blessing you when you least expect it. Or the way that he brings ppl into your path when you aren't looking. Rewind to I'd say about four months ago. I was on one of my inspector gadget kicks and going through Bryant's phone on a nightly basis because my spidey sense was tingling beyond belief. I quickly realized my spidey sense was tingling for a just reason. Multiple women's numbers lined his call history. There was one though that repeated itself over and over on his call history. Erked I did what I normally do...I picked up the phone and dialed the number. When she answered and I introduced myself she started to chuckle and said to someone in the background, "Yo, that nigga that was here last night, this is his wife."

THE DEMON WE CALL ADDICTION

        So here it is, a week since Travis passed away...Jackie is a mess and all I can do is answer the phone and let her cry. I don't know what else to do. For once in my life, I am at a loss for words. There's nothing I can do or say that is gonna mend her broken heart, so I just sit there and let her get it out. She feels such guilt for not being there at the moment he passed but obviously GOD played it out that way for a reason. She attended his funeral yesterday and aside from one person, his family was cold as ice towards her. Like it was HER fault that he died the way he did. Which is bullshit. Not a mention of her when that man adored her like I've never seen before. Travis suffered from addiction plain and simple and apparently had for years. I can't stand it when someone passes from this debilitating disease and the blame is put on someone else. Nobody forces us to do anything, we all have a choice.

HYSTERIA

     A few days ago I woke up at about 5ish to Bryant sitting beside me on the edge of the bed. I didn't know why I woke up but there I was. Now I know I've already mentioned this in the past but sleep and I don't mesh well together anymore. So when I do finally fall asleep I am beyond irritated if I'm woken up suddenly. Instead of yelling at him for bugging me like I so often do, I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. I chugged it down and raced back to my bed to curl up and pray that I'd be able to fall asleep again. But shockingly I couldn't fall back asleep which never happens to me at that time of the morning. I grabbed my phone to play my games and a text message came across my phone at that very moment.

JECKLE AND MR. HYDE

     So I had handwritten a blog entry to put in here the other day but for some reason, I just didn't get around to it and I wasn't sure why. Call it a hunch that I would soon regret it if I did. And boy was I right. You know when you suffer a disease you tend to have a heart and feel an overwhelming sense of compassion for those who suffer the same as you. But what about when you realize that the person is just bat shit crazy and there's absolutely no hope for them. That everything going on with them is because of their own actions. I'm proven right in that sense every time. That they turned out to just have motives for their generosity and when things don't go their way they turn into Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. I always wondered how we could hate it each other and then befriends so quickly. Maybe at the time, I was just looking to someone more fucked up than I was so that I didn't have to feel so shitty about my own life.

TRIGGER

    Well, the vicious bitch struck again. Meaning me. All night I laid in bed thinking and overthinking which never works out for my benefit. Beside me, Bryant slept and I just stared at his in anger, disappointment, disgust, and love all rolled into one. When my head hit the pillow it never fails, my minds starts a turnin. How could this man I worship, that I've loved with every inch of my being keep doing this to me? Then I kept thinking to myself, "well Aprel you bitch enough for four wives and you know what his triggers are and you do it so very well. So, by six am I finally fell asleep and woke up a few hours not mad anymore. Planned on letting it pass. Well, then I don't really know what happened. I freaked. Every single thought that I had had the night before coming spewing out of my mouth. Ugh, bitch mode struck again. I screamed till I almost passed out and of course he yelled back. Which I expected. Damn this bipolar I have. These meds better kick in soon or I may end up giving myself a heart attack. He was just sitting there calmly minding his own business and I flipped, and I have no idea why. I don't know why I can't just get it all out in one argument, why I constantly revisit things. Is it that heavy and that hard on my heart?

BITCHMODE: 101

     So, there's been two times in my life that I know I really screwed up. The first time being after my divorce when I agreed to let my ex-husband bend me over the washing machine at the home that he shared with the home wrecker that he cheated on me with and got pregnant. (And is presently married to.) That's definitely a regret. The second and biggest screw up that I've had was moving to Florida and leaving my three beautiful angels behind. No matter what they think. When I first moved here I did things that I regret, don't get it twisted but those things only taught me to be guarded and quite frankly a bitch to everyone that didn't keep my life calm and harmonious. But maybe I've been a bitch too much. Maybe my fight or flight has been more about the fighting part when I should of A: walked away and take flight or B: just learn to relax and not be so uptight. As you already know Bryant and I really haven't been getting along. He's been leaving a lot with no explanation.

AS THE DARK CLOUD ROLLS IN

     Depression sucks. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like a dark cloud over your head that you can't get away from. For every good day I have, three bad days follow. It never fails. Yesterday was a bad day. It was mothers day and yet again I'm without my precious boys. It sucks. So, of course, my dark cloud rolled back into port. And it'll probably stay there a while. One of the things people do when they're in an active stage of depression is they think about everything. And those things that they think about they dwell on. I excel at that. My bouts consist of lying in my room alone with the lights dim. Crying and overthinking everything. Sleep is a joke believe it or not. Eating...out of the question. Sometimes I go so long without eating that every time I stand up I almost pass out. And as far as my lack of sleep I sometimes go so long that I can't even talk right. Believe it or not, Bryant has become worried sick about me. Making sure I take my meds every day and never miss a doctors appt. He's the only one. People that I thought were my family chose their own greed over my health. Then they have the nerve to throw stones at him. Yes, he fucked up but at the end of the day, I can always count on him to be there when nobody else is.  But that story is for another day. Because I could literally write another book with that situation, it's that bad.  And one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time at the moment. Seems it's true what they say when it rains it pours. I keep waiting for these damn meds to kick in. Any day now I'm hoping. Because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this...

TEARS

     My mind has been a mess.  Two weeks ago I went to the psychiatrist to get back on something to help stabilize my mood and decrease my anxiety. Its been at an all-time high lately.  I literally cry over everything and constantly have chest pains.  When I opened my mouth to tell the Dr what was going on in my life I was instantly in tears,  despite my best effort to keep it together.  She started me on this new medication called Vraylar. Two weeks later I still haven't felt the effects but hopefully soon. She also put me back on Xanax at a lower dose to start. Yesterday I had to go back for a med check. Yet again I instantly burst into tears. I am trying so hard to feel emotionally okay but it's so hard when you have obstacles blocking your way there. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed. I did make Bryant a big dinner today which I haven't done in a long time and it felt good. Really good. For a minute I felt like the old me. But only for a minute. Then life's bullshit slapped me back into reality. I keep wondering if this normal if there are others dealing with the same kind of things. And also if I'm ever gonna find true peace in my life. One thing I've learned since diving head first into the bible is that we choose our own paths in life. So anything that happens to us good or bad is a result of our actions. When we go through it and have bad things happen to us we have no one to blame but ourselves.

A PRESENT FROM DADDY

    So you could imagine the wave of emotions that were going through me after Amber had told me that. I was excited that maybe she would finally realize that I wasn't as crazy as I seemed to be, especially when she told me that she actually had felt her brother with her that night. And that was enough validation for me. I told her about hearing the number thirteen over and over again and hearing the words mother and safe. Once again I was shocked when she told me that her mom's birthday was in fact on the thirteenth and her sisters were on the thirty-first. Crazy. I put together that maybe Eli was worried about her being safe being she had moved to a different place recently and he didn't realize she had. I still didn't know where the flames came into play. She and I talked a while longer then said our goodbyes and hung up.

THREE AM WAKE UP CALL

    Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink that night. The events of earlier that evening replayed in my mind mocking me as I wished for rest. I had no idea what I was gonna do or even how I could help my poor departed friend. But I knew that I had to at least try even if I suffered for it in the long run. Eli obviously had some type of unfinished business or he wouldn't still be an earthbound spirit. The hell part I honestly didn't quite understand. But I knew that I would find out eventually. Things like this don't always make sense at first and then it seems like everything just falls into place. Since I couldn't sleep I figured that the first thing I should do for Eli is pray. So after saying a cleansing prayer for myself, I prayed for him like I hadn't prayed in a long time. After I was done I felt great. Like this sudden wave of peace had washed over me. Hopefully, he felt it as well.

SHATTERED SPIRIT

     I was pissed at myself. I was pissed at myself because I knew that I wasn't 100%. I had communicated with spirit with no problem so many times before. But now, I was fifty shades of fucked up and my consciousness knew it. I was spiritually blocked, which means that because of all the stress and bullshit that had been going on in my life my third eye wasn't on point. Yes, I still saw them but hearing them could be a challenge at times. I was able to find a spirit box though on my phone and that worked for the most part. But definitely not as good as the real thing. It helped though that I didn't lose the ability to feel what they felt because that was so very important and boy did emotion radiate from Eli. In two seconds I had gone from feeling like my bitchy ass self to having an overwhelming sense of sorrow. It was so much that I could feel my eyes filling up with tears and a knot forming in my throat.

UNEXPECTED HOUSEGUEST

     A few months back I shared with you a story about my first love entitled "Damaged Like Me". How alike we were and how damaged he was throughout his short life. Poor Eli was a lost soul up until his dying day.  God, I miss him. I have to tell you though some things that have been going on lately. I told you early on of my gift that I was given when I flatlined after going into anaphylactic shock. My gift of being able to connect with spirit. I don't talk about it much on here as you may have noticed because we all believe in different things. But with this, I had to make an exception.

WRITERS BLOCK

     Finally, tonight my writer's block came to an end, somewhat. For the last few weeks, I've opened my laptop to jump into the writing of my book but couldn't. So many things have made my life eventful the last four years but tbh I've had no idea how to even begin to put them into words. I've done the outline thing which was a no go and everything else you could possibly think of with no success. I'm thinking the problem is me. I've got too much-jarbled bullshit going on up in the ole noggin that I'm steps away from reserving a bed in the looney bin. And I know myself, nothing in my world is peas and carrots when I'm at that point.

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN JUSTIN!!!!

     

     Well here it is yet again five am and another night passes without sleep. In two hours at 7:00 am sixteen years ago today, my dear sweet Justin was born. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Pacing up and down the hallway and the fifteen hours in labor. I remember everything, everything except the pain. Instead, I remember the overwhelming sense of love and joy I had. He is my firstborn and holds a special place in my heart. It kills me that today I won't be able to spend it with him. Another birthday I've missed. I've really been contemplating moving back to PA but the fear and anxiety kill me. But I miss my boys so very dearly. Even though Justin reached out to me a few weeks ago I still fear that if I go I will be rejected. And I can't deal with that. I regret my decision to move here that's for sure, but at the time I had no other choice. I couldn't take one more day of the beatings and this was the only logical thing for me. I had no one there to have my back so I was in fear for my life. But it doesn't make me leaving excusable, it doesn't make it right. I'm so sorry my dear Justin that I can't be there for your birthday. Happy Sweet Sixteen my love. Mommy loves you.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUGS!!!!!

Happy 33rd Birthday to my dear sweet Pugs...my brother and my superman. I am so proud of how far you have come when there were so many obstacles standing in your way. I am so proud to be your big sissy and love you more than you know. Thank you for our late night talks and always being a shoulder to cry on. Enjoy your special day and see ya in the sunshine state in a few days💜🎉🎁🎂

  

                                

IN NEED OF PRAYERS!!!

      🙏🙏PRAYERS NEEDED!!🙏🙏
Why you ask? Well, we all need a little prayer at times. Sometimes more than others. Do you remember the last blog post? Well turns out she got picked up last night for something entirely different than what I spoke of before. The reason I'm asking for prayer is not to get her out of jail. As bad as this sounds she's exactly where she needs to be. Everyone can sleep a little bit sounder knowing she's safe and being fed. I can anyway. I'm asking for prayer in hopes that she can feel them. Somehow be pulled towards GOD and ask for forgiveness, and ask to be shown the way. Because somehow she veered far off the path and I truly believe that finding GOD will be her only way to come out of this. And there's actually another friend as well that I have that needs a little more prayer in her life. She's already accepting of his word, she just needs to be shown how wonderful it truly is. Shown the peace it gives people. Like the peace it gives me. I hope you all will help me pray for two of GOD's children....thanks.🙏

TOUGH LOVE

    Tough love is never easy. It doesn't matter who you give it to it hurts till the very end. At that time you are the only one who can actually feel any love because the one getting the love only feels abandonment. For months I have been silently watching someone I hold so very dear self destruct through my laptop. Always being there when she called like she was for me so many moons ago. There was a time in my life when I idolized her and was jealous of everything that she was. She was someone that could light up a room just by her presence and leave her mark where ever she went. Everything growing up that I wanted to be.

SUFFERING FOR STRENGTH

   

    So here's what I think...every choice in life that you make begins a butterfly effect good or bad. For months I have been driving myself mentally insane, probably borderline obsessed with what is going on in my relationship. I've been tearing myself down emotionally searching for his next fuck up, and always find at least one. My spidey sense starts tingling and sure enough, it's dead on. And just like that the same song and dance starts over, preventing me from healing and staying healed. I am aware that part of it is my fault, but just once I'd like to prove my spidey sense wrong. So I blame both of us for my mental deterioration. I know that every time that things are brought to the surface it's GOD's way opening that door of realization for me to walk through. To finally reach the inner peace waiting for me on the other side. But I always stop right before I'm supposed I put my first foot through, slamming it shut and moving me 1,000 miles away from it once again. I kept thinking that eventually the door would stay shut and it would be so far from me that I could barely see it in the distance. But maybe that's not true at all. Maybe repeating the same steps over and over is actually moving me closer. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just not ready yet. Every time it happens my soul goes numb a little more than the time before. And it hurts a little less. And even though I'm torturing myself I'm doing right by God by helping people. And I'm growing wiser so when I finally am ready to walk through that door he will have helped me gain enough strength so that I will never walk back through it again...

ROLLERCOASTER

   What a week...What a past ten days I should say. I can honestly say that it has been one of the most emotional ones in a while. Of course, it goes without saying that my relationship was definitely a passenger on my emotional rollercoaster, but it didn't take the first seat. Actually, it didn't even really take the second or third seat. The first, second and third seats belonged to Justin, Tony, and Luca. Last night I went back on my word and sent Justin a little message on Instagram. My heart was just so heavy since speaking to him and I couldn't help myself. Monday I go to the psychiatrist/psychologist for the first time in three years.

ARCHIVED

The last week has been hard for me. Juggling my day to day life and dealing with relationship drama. And then there's the people and obstacles that tried to tear me down, only to make me sit higher. (Now tell me who's the joke now)But those things really don't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. The thing that really weighed on my heart was my boys. Ever since speaking to Justin I can't get our conversation out of my head. I keep rereading it over and over trying to read between the lines. Seeing if there is something that he was trying to tell me that I missed. And trying to figure out what to do from here. It's literally been eating away at me.  I know what I have to do the question is can I do it? Can I face the chapter that I worked so hard to file away? Am I strong enough now? I guess I'm about to find out...

MY BIGGEST REGRET

     Throughout my life, many people had suffered at the hands of my mental illness but nobody as much as my three boys, especially my oldest son Justin The things that he went through as a child I'm sure he'll never forget and I understand why he will always hold that resentment in his heart towards me. When I decided to move from Pittsburgh to Florida four years ago I was escaping an abusive relationship where I prayed to die every time he hit me. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do but I will forever regret it. I panicked because I was afraid for my life and afraid of what I had become. They say you have to grow up sometime and when I found my strength I can honestly say that's when I grew up.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA!!

Happy birthday Ma! Thank you for being my best friend and loving me the way you do. Thank you for never being embarassed that you had a daughter with mental illness and helping me to realize that I'm special too. I am so blessed to call you my mom. I will forever cherish the close relationship we have. I love you more than words can say and appreciate everything you do to help me. Enjoy your day!! Hugs...

MOMMY'S GIRL

In case you were wondering it's true what they say. Animals do make the best therapy. I couldn't have gotten through the recent chaos without my baby girl Ming by my side. Love her to pieces!!

SHORELINE SECLUSION

     Oh my god!! What is wrong with people? Every day I try and try to do what God would want me to do. To treat even the people who treat me like shit well. But I guess everyone comes to a breaking point where their niceness runs out. And mine is running pretty thin. Like extremely thin. I loved the fact that I had my own home. A place that I could try to keep as drama-free as possible. Now granted the situation with "player" had created a little bit of chaos. Well drama, that is. But I dealt with it. But then god pointed me in a path that I felt obligated to walk on. When "player" came back from New York I instantly ran to him and made the choice to once again be homeless. Just to be by his side. It ended up that some of his family took us in that didn't even know me. I was eternally grateful. But now the tables have turned. Not because of homelessness but kinda to help us all out financially. But two like men will butt heads and they sure have. Which is causing me more stress. Stress that I sure as hell don't need. My mind is already fifty shades of fucked up and this is making it worse. When does Aprel get to breathe? I am seriously considering moving to a place that has no inhabitants other than me. Preferably someplace warm, with sand and a gorgeous man that delivers me drinks with those little umbrellas. (He's doesn't live there only works there. And leaves by sundown.) Ahhhh, that would be the life. 

WAKE UP CALL

     Have you ever just taken the time to breathe? To just sit and think about your life? Everything that you have? Today I decided to change up my normal routine and write outside. I've been wanting to do it more than I have been but there's always something that gets in my way. So this evening even though the house was quiet I set up my laptop on my old rusty lawn table and got stuck. Yes stuck. I sat there and stared at the monitor unable to do anything with it. All I could do was smile. Which I haven't done in a while. I don't know what came over me but I was filled with emotion as I breathed in the fresh air and felt the wind on my skin. And at that moment I just felt grateful. I felt truly blessed. I don't know how but all of the things that have been bothering me just went away. They are so stupid, so minute compared to what I have right in front of me, all around me. Because I was so fixated on all the negative things happening I had forgotten the beautiful things that I have been blessed with. Men will come and go as will material things but the most important things that we fail to appreciate are around us all the time and never leave our side. I had been so selfish fixating on crap that won't matter ten years from now that I had forgotten what GOD gave me and continues to bless me with. I feel like I have gotten some type of clarity. I can honestly say that this has never happened to me before. But I definitely needed it. I gave thanks to Jesus for yet another wake-up call. Lol. He knows I needed one.