NORMALCY

     A while back I posted about relationships. Wondering how you could know the type of love you're feeling. True love vs lust. I thought at that time that I had a pretty good idea the difference and yeah maybe I kinda did. But now I'm sure I know. I know because I finally felt it. That kick in the gut. It's weird though because it didn't truly hit me until my relationship had fallen in the shitter. Until the cheating came to light. I wish I knew why it took him cheating to realize how in love I really was.  Now as far as that goes...I wanted to elaborate. Not disclose any more details than I already have but the feelings that a person feels when it happens to them. Especially, someone, that deals with mental illness as much as I do. I'm not sure about anyone else but with my situation, it just doesn't seem real.

MINUSCULE

     Throughout my life one thing has always stayed consistent, that being my faith. And after crossing over during my near-death experience it grew even stronger. I've prayed for him to walk beside me and help me to understand my mental illness and why I have it, prayed for strength during the years of physical and emotional abuse and prayed to heal the sick. Just about have prayed for everything.  I know for certain that he will never fail me and to this day I have been right. And always given thanks for all that I have. Despite all that, I'm currently going through I have an l okay life. There are definitely three missing links to make me complete but I know that it won't be this way forever.

DOWN THE BEATEN PATH

       I don't know how I got here. I don't know where in life I took the wrong turn and scurried away from the path I was supposed to choose. The place where I really belong. Maybe this is a dream and I've been sleeping all this time. When I finally wake up I'll be where I belong and shake my head in disbelief that I could possibly dream my life could be like this. Or maybe this isn't my first life. Maybe this is my punishment for something I did in a life before this. Maybe I was selfish and heartless in my past life and took for granted all the wonderful things I had. So as punishment I was sent to repeat my life with a kind soul that would be destined to be treated the way I had treated everyone before, beaten, battered and abused.

MOMMY/DTR DATE

Belated Birthday lunch with my mommy...37 and yes I still call her mommy. She always finds a way to bring me out of my funk...love her. #blessed

SILENCING THE SCREAMS

      I didn't sleep a wink last night. I often try to stay up as long as I can after the sun goes down, it's when I write the best. All the days' chaos has ceased and all I hear is the click of my fingers on the keyboard. My mind is free of stress and worry and I am engulfed in what is appearing on my laptop. It's total serenity for me. With having social anxiety so bad I've learned what some of my triggers are. The things that will put me in a full-blown anxiety attack faster than I can blink. My number one trigger is overstimulation. My mind can not deal with a lot of noise. Sometimes when I'm home alone I can go hours if not days with no music or television. Total silence with whatever I'm doing helps me more than any pill or therapist.

WAITING TO SMILE

     Thank you, everyone, for the birthday wishes yesterday. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but then again I don't enjoy my birthdays anymore. They just depress me making me realize how old I'm getting. Thirty-seven...I can't even believe it. So yesterday....what did I do you ask? Well for starters I spent the majority of it alone...until about six pm. Which believe me was just fine and dandy in my book because I slept up until ten as well. Yep, I sure did. I slept almost the whole day away. The faster it was over the better. 364 days out of the year I stay strong,(aside from holidays) so I think that this one day I should get a free pass and be able to wallow in my self-pity. You see most people don't feel this way on their birthdays....it's party till we drop time.  I'm sure they think to themselves especially on this day and think, "Wow, Happy Birthday to me. I've done so well so far and I've accomplished so much." As for me? I think "Fuck, my birthday again already? Another year has passed without my boys. Hopefully, they haven't totally written me off yet. I've gone backward instead of forward and even though I'm better than I was a year ago it's taking what seems like forever to get anywhere." It really is sad when you think about it. The thing about it is that I'm too hard on myself. I know where I once was and it sickens me that I let my mental illness get the best of me. As a result of that, I let the world and everyone in it get the best of me as well. It sucks...but it is what it is. I'm determined to make next year better. Determined to make sure I'm better. It's been such a long time since I smiled on my birthday...I'm excited and hopeful that I'll do it again soon. 🍰🎉🎈

DAMAGED LIKE ME

An Exert From My Upcoming Book  

Towards the end of my senior year, I decided to get a part-time job at a Pilot. The pay sucked but it was nice to get away from my bubble and keep my mind busy. For a first job, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it. I liked meeting new people. Nobody really knew me which was good and I didn’t have to shed any clothes to get a little attention which was definitely a bonus. LOL. But that’s the only positive attention that I was used to up until that point. 80% of attention I received was negative. And it sucked.
      One day I was standing behind the register with my head down reading a magazine. I heard a familiar voice say to me, “Nice shoes, wanna f**k?” Instead of yelling an instant grin came over me. It was Eli, a guy I had dated in like fourth grade that had changed schools shortly after.I later learned that was his favorite pickup line. LOL. I hadn’t seen him in years. He still looked the same. The only thing I can say is that he grew up. His once slim stature was no more. He was 6’ 2” and 240 lbs of pure deliciousness. I was smitten. We talked for a while, well actually he did most of the talking. I don’t think I got a complete sentence out the whole time. I probably looked like an idiot. Actually, I’m quite certain I did. When the customers increased we said our goodbyes and that was what I thought was it. After my shift ended a few hours later I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the door.