An Exert From My Upcoming Book
Towards the end of my senior year, I decided to get a part-time job at a Pilot. The pay sucked but it was nice to get away from my bubble and keep my mind busy. For a first job, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it. I liked meeting new people. Nobody really knew me which was good and I didn’t have to shed any clothes to get a little attention which was definitely a bonus. LOL. But that’s the only positive attention that I was used to up until that point. 80% of attention I received was negative. And it sucked.
One day I was standing behind the register with my head down reading a magazine. I heard a familiar voice say to me, “Nice shoes, wanna f**k?” Instead of yelling an instant grin came over me. It was Eli, a guy I had dated in like fourth grade that had changed schools shortly after.I later learned that was his favorite pickup line. LOL. I hadn’t seen him in years. He still looked the same. The only thing I can say is that he grew up. His once slim stature was no more. He was 6’ 2” and 240 lbs of pure deliciousness. I was smitten. We talked for a while, well actually he did most of the talking. I don’t think I got a complete sentence out the whole time. I probably looked like an idiot. Actually, I’m quite certain I did. When the customers increased we said our goodbyes and that was what I thought was it. After my shift ended a few hours later I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the door.
Once again I heard that gorgeous voice calling to me. I was surprised to still see him there. He had waited in the restaurant all those hours until I had gotten off to tell me that he was thinking of having a graduation party and wanted me to come. Of course, I said ok and gave him my number to call me to give me the details. ( I later found out that there was never any thought of a party that it was just his way of getting my number. I thought it to be extremely cute.) I was once again surprised when he called me within an hour of us parting to ask me if I wanted to go out with him that night. I almost puked I was so nervous. Excited but mostly nervous. Of course, I agreed. A couple hours later he pulled up to my house driving a green chevy cavalier. Apparently from what he said he had borrowed it from a friend. I later found out that that was far from the truth. That one of his girls had been the owner. When he asked me where I wanted to go I left it up to him. He had no clue either. Our first date lasted five or six hours give or take. We spent the entire time just driving around and talking with no destination in mind. Catching up without any distractions and no sexual pressure. I was happy as a lark. E was still able to give me the same butterflies as he did years before. And he knew it.
When he dropped me off later that night he gave me a quick kiss and was on his way. I thought for sure after a kiss like that I wouldn’t hear from him anytime soon. I was surprised to get a call from him twenty minutes later. He had called to ask me out again the next day. I was in shock. Could it really be happening? Could somebody really like me for me? I knew that there was no way he could know the stuff that had been going on the last couple years. Could it be that he genuinely was interested in getting to know me again and not my vagina? Or butter knife girl? I fell asleep that night feeling better about myself than I had in I didn’t know how long. I couldn’t wait to wake up again.
Our next date had no real destination either. We just drove around all day reminiscing about our childhood years and what cornballs we were. It was so nice to just be in a man's company not be nervous about what probably would happen. I figured I would reveal a little bit of what he missed and he just shrugged. The response that I got was “We’re all a little crazy Aprel. Don't sweat it.” That made me feel better than you could imagine. And since I had a history with him and had known him for years I opened up a little about my sexual activities. Instead of a typical pigheaded response, he looked at me and told me that everything was up to me. A two month waiting period was something I always wanted with someone that mattered to me. I figured if they could wait that long than I obviously mattered to them. With no hesitation, he agreed. And he kept his word. If we kept seeing each other than we would wait two months before sex. I think that’s the day I really fell for him. I thought that he was so different than any other man I’d known. I couldn’t believe it. Little did I know that that really didn’t matter to him at all. He had a girlfriend at home and one that he stayed with a couple days a week to make up for what I lacked. He was a player and played me better than anyone ever had. And by the time I found out about the other two, it was too late. I was head over heels in love. That boy could do no wrong in my eyes. He would lie about the others and know that I knew the truth. I allowed him to have his cake and eat it too and he ran with it. We all knew the truth about each other and for some reason dealt with it. There was just something about him that kept the three of us wanting more. And as upset as we got at him we would always forgive him.
Maybe I was attracted to the bad boy in him? Yeah If I had to guess I’ d say that was definitely one of the main reasons. Eli definitely was no stranger to breaking the law. By that time he had already had his fair share of interaction with the men and women in blue. So much that they knew him on a first name basis. He was afraid of no man and didn’t hide it. He even had the word GOD burned into his arm and thought of himself as such. I never knew what was gonna happen from one day to the next when I was with him. But I always knew that it wouldn’t be dull. I was used to abiding by the law and being around people that did. My dad's father was a criminal defense attorney so I was raised and taught not to break the law. Getting in trouble scared the shit outta me. But being with someone opposite of who I was taught to stay away from became an addiction for me. I didn’t care how reckless and destructive he was to the world around him. I couldn’t get enough. I’m not sure if it was that way for the other two women because I only spoke with each of them once on separate occasions. But I’m willing to bet they felt the same way. And his strength? At that time the only other person I knew with strength like that was my dad. He was as strong as an ox.
Up until then, that was the closest I had ever been to be able to be myself around someone. But I still couldn’t drop my walls. I was still very much embarrassed sexually and came to the realization that it wasn’t gonna change. Lights off, shirt on, vanilla type of sex life. How boring I must been to him. I chuckle to myself now when I think of it. But I feel bad because now I understand why he needed three women. What one didn’t do the other one did. And it makes things so much more clear. The sex, all the women, getting in trouble. Eli was just like me. Lost and damaged. Like me, he must have been fighting his own inner thoughts every day. I just didn’t see it. He never truly loved himself. He too was searching for attention he didn’t have. And like me he took any kind of attention that made him feel something, good or bad. And when he couldn’t get that fix and the inner demons were just too much he turned to drugs to silence them. To keep all those negative feelings he had at bay for at least a little while. The same reason so many others turn to drugs...including me. I can’t believe I didn’t see how similar we were before. I truly feel blessed though because I’m starting to learn how to be smarter than those voices in my head telling me I’m worthless. It took me thirty-six years to get there though and make peace with myself so that I could start loving myself. Unfortunately, Eli never got that chance.
November 24, 2011, started out no different than any other Thanksgiving. I was doing my usual morning routine when an instant message came across my phone. It was my friend Chad from Marianna. I found it odd because I hadn’t heard from him in such a long time. I clicked on it and all it said was “I’m so sorry Aprel, I just heard.” I sat there for a second confused. Sorry for what? My upcoming divorce that was only a couple months away, could he have heard? I had no idea. There was a pause when I asked him why he was sorry. I can still remember my heart falling to my feet and the life being sucked out of me as I read his response over and over to make sure that I read it correctly. It said “Eli was killed a few hours ago. Around five am. I’m so sorry I thought you knew.” My only thought was “WHAT? WAIT….WHAT?” I was in shock. It had been ten years since our breakup and since seeing him. I had spoken to him as recently though as maybe a couple years prior when his girlfriend had worked with me. At that moment all those old feelings I had towards him came rushing back through me. I felt like we were still together and I was losing him. That’s what an impact he had on me. I felt all the love I had towards him so many years ago and now such a deep loss. The man who thought he was invincible learned he wasn’t the hard way. I wish he could have saw himself through my eyes. I saw him...the real him. How smart he was. How loving and special he was. It was something that he didn’t let a lot of people in to see. His strength and fearlessness was the facade he wore when he faced the outside world. And like me when I was thirty he still was lost. Still couldn’t find himself. Still no respect or love towards himself. When you don’t love and respect yourself you can’t truly give those things to others either. That morning he proved that to be true. Apparently from what I heard Eli had been set up when he went to somebody’s house to do a job by his crew and the homeowner. They planned to murder Eli as payback for the death of one of the homeowners loved ones. So when he broke into the homeowner's garage that morning and a warning was given to leave the property or so it was said, Eli got a bullet in his chest. From what I heard everyone was in on it, I guess even law enforcement. But they later dropped the murder charge saying it fell under the new law that had just taken effect, the Stand Your Ground Law. Everyone's accounts of what happened that morning seem to differ so the only ones that really know are the ones that were there that tragic morning and GOD. I pray that he felt no pain as he made it outside and laid in the lawn alone for forty-five minutes until help arrived. (Yes, you read that correctly...forty-five minutes. He could have survived if he hadn’t laid there that long. Hence why the opinions of family and loved ones differ from authorities.) I couldn't imagine what must have been going through his head all that time. Nobody deserves what happened to him. GOD didn't make a perfect man and despite others feelings towards him, he was one in a million to me with a heart of gold. Those who experienced it would agree.
Towards the end of my senior year, I decided to get a part-time job at a Pilot. The pay sucked but it was nice to get away from my bubble and keep my mind busy. For a first job, I can honestly say that I really enjoyed it. I liked meeting new people. Nobody really knew me which was good and I didn’t have to shed any clothes to get a little attention which was definitely a bonus. LOL. But that’s the only positive attention that I was used to up until that point. 80% of attention I received was negative. And it sucked.
One day I was standing behind the register with my head down reading a magazine. I heard a familiar voice say to me, “Nice shoes, wanna f**k?” Instead of yelling an instant grin came over me. It was Eli, a guy I had dated in like fourth grade that had changed schools shortly after.I later learned that was his favorite pickup line. LOL. I hadn’t seen him in years. He still looked the same. The only thing I can say is that he grew up. His once slim stature was no more. He was 6’ 2” and 240 lbs of pure deliciousness. I was smitten. We talked for a while, well actually he did most of the talking. I don’t think I got a complete sentence out the whole time. I probably looked like an idiot. Actually, I’m quite certain I did. When the customers increased we said our goodbyes and that was what I thought was it. After my shift ended a few hours later I grabbed my stuff and headed towards the door.
Once again I heard that gorgeous voice calling to me. I was surprised to still see him there. He had waited in the restaurant all those hours until I had gotten off to tell me that he was thinking of having a graduation party and wanted me to come. Of course, I said ok and gave him my number to call me to give me the details. ( I later found out that there was never any thought of a party that it was just his way of getting my number. I thought it to be extremely cute.) I was once again surprised when he called me within an hour of us parting to ask me if I wanted to go out with him that night. I almost puked I was so nervous. Excited but mostly nervous. Of course, I agreed. A couple hours later he pulled up to my house driving a green chevy cavalier. Apparently from what he said he had borrowed it from a friend. I later found out that that was far from the truth. That one of his girls had been the owner. When he asked me where I wanted to go I left it up to him. He had no clue either. Our first date lasted five or six hours give or take. We spent the entire time just driving around and talking with no destination in mind. Catching up without any distractions and no sexual pressure. I was happy as a lark. E was still able to give me the same butterflies as he did years before. And he knew it.
When he dropped me off later that night he gave me a quick kiss and was on his way. I thought for sure after a kiss like that I wouldn’t hear from him anytime soon. I was surprised to get a call from him twenty minutes later. He had called to ask me out again the next day. I was in shock. Could it really be happening? Could somebody really like me for me? I knew that there was no way he could know the stuff that had been going on the last couple years. Could it be that he genuinely was interested in getting to know me again and not my vagina? Or butter knife girl? I fell asleep that night feeling better about myself than I had in I didn’t know how long. I couldn’t wait to wake up again.
Our next date had no real destination either. We just drove around all day reminiscing about our childhood years and what cornballs we were. It was so nice to just be in a man's company not be nervous about what probably would happen. I figured I would reveal a little bit of what he missed and he just shrugged. The response that I got was “We’re all a little crazy Aprel. Don't sweat it.” That made me feel better than you could imagine. And since I had a history with him and had known him for years I opened up a little about my sexual activities. Instead of a typical pigheaded response, he looked at me and told me that everything was up to me. A two month waiting period was something I always wanted with someone that mattered to me. I figured if they could wait that long than I obviously mattered to them. With no hesitation, he agreed. And he kept his word. If we kept seeing each other than we would wait two months before sex. I think that’s the day I really fell for him. I thought that he was so different than any other man I’d known. I couldn’t believe it. Little did I know that that really didn’t matter to him at all. He had a girlfriend at home and one that he stayed with a couple days a week to make up for what I lacked. He was a player and played me better than anyone ever had. And by the time I found out about the other two, it was too late. I was head over heels in love. That boy could do no wrong in my eyes. He would lie about the others and know that I knew the truth. I allowed him to have his cake and eat it too and he ran with it. We all knew the truth about each other and for some reason dealt with it. There was just something about him that kept the three of us wanting more. And as upset as we got at him we would always forgive him.
Maybe I was attracted to the bad boy in him? Yeah If I had to guess I’ d say that was definitely one of the main reasons. Eli definitely was no stranger to breaking the law. By that time he had already had his fair share of interaction with the men and women in blue. So much that they knew him on a first name basis. He was afraid of no man and didn’t hide it. He even had the word GOD burned into his arm and thought of himself as such. I never knew what was gonna happen from one day to the next when I was with him. But I always knew that it wouldn’t be dull. I was used to abiding by the law and being around people that did. My dad's father was a criminal defense attorney so I was raised and taught not to break the law. Getting in trouble scared the shit outta me. But being with someone opposite of who I was taught to stay away from became an addiction for me. I didn’t care how reckless and destructive he was to the world around him. I couldn’t get enough. I’m not sure if it was that way for the other two women because I only spoke with each of them once on separate occasions. But I’m willing to bet they felt the same way. And his strength? At that time the only other person I knew with strength like that was my dad. He was as strong as an ox.
Up until then, that was the closest I had ever been to be able to be myself around someone. But I still couldn’t drop my walls. I was still very much embarrassed sexually and came to the realization that it wasn’t gonna change. Lights off, shirt on, vanilla type of sex life. How boring I must been to him. I chuckle to myself now when I think of it. But I feel bad because now I understand why he needed three women. What one didn’t do the other one did. And it makes things so much more clear. The sex, all the women, getting in trouble. Eli was just like me. Lost and damaged. Like me, he must have been fighting his own inner thoughts every day. I just didn’t see it. He never truly loved himself. He too was searching for attention he didn’t have. And like me he took any kind of attention that made him feel something, good or bad. And when he couldn’t get that fix and the inner demons were just too much he turned to drugs to silence them. To keep all those negative feelings he had at bay for at least a little while. The same reason so many others turn to drugs...including me. I can’t believe I didn’t see how similar we were before. I truly feel blessed though because I’m starting to learn how to be smarter than those voices in my head telling me I’m worthless. It took me thirty-six years to get there though and make peace with myself so that I could start loving myself. Unfortunately, Eli never got that chance.
November 24, 2011, started out no different than any other Thanksgiving. I was doing my usual morning routine when an instant message came across my phone. It was my friend Chad from Marianna. I found it odd because I hadn’t heard from him in such a long time. I clicked on it and all it said was “I’m so sorry Aprel, I just heard.” I sat there for a second confused. Sorry for what? My upcoming divorce that was only a couple months away, could he have heard? I had no idea. There was a pause when I asked him why he was sorry. I can still remember my heart falling to my feet and the life being sucked out of me as I read his response over and over to make sure that I read it correctly. It said “Eli was killed a few hours ago. Around five am. I’m so sorry I thought you knew.” My only thought was “WHAT? WAIT….WHAT?” I was in shock. It had been ten years since our breakup and since seeing him. I had spoken to him as recently though as maybe a couple years prior when his girlfriend had worked with me. At that moment all those old feelings I had towards him came rushing back through me. I felt like we were still together and I was losing him. That’s what an impact he had on me. I felt all the love I had towards him so many years ago and now such a deep loss. The man who thought he was invincible learned he wasn’t the hard way. I wish he could have saw himself through my eyes. I saw him...the real him. How smart he was. How loving and special he was. It was something that he didn’t let a lot of people in to see. His strength and fearlessness was the facade he wore when he faced the outside world. And like me when I was thirty he still was lost. Still couldn’t find himself. Still no respect or love towards himself. When you don’t love and respect yourself you can’t truly give those things to others either. That morning he proved that to be true. Apparently from what I heard Eli had been set up when he went to somebody’s house to do a job by his crew and the homeowner. They planned to murder Eli as payback for the death of one of the homeowners loved ones. So when he broke into the homeowner's garage that morning and a warning was given to leave the property or so it was said, Eli got a bullet in his chest. From what I heard everyone was in on it, I guess even law enforcement. But they later dropped the murder charge saying it fell under the new law that had just taken effect, the Stand Your Ground Law. Everyone's accounts of what happened that morning seem to differ so the only ones that really know are the ones that were there that tragic morning and GOD. I pray that he felt no pain as he made it outside and laid in the lawn alone for forty-five minutes until help arrived. (Yes, you read that correctly...forty-five minutes. He could have survived if he hadn’t laid there that long. Hence why the opinions of family and loved ones differ from authorities.) I couldn't imagine what must have been going through his head all that time. Nobody deserves what happened to him. GOD didn't make a perfect man and despite others feelings towards him, he was one in a million to me with a heart of gold. Those who experienced it would agree.