I didn't sleep a wink last night. I often try to stay up as long as I can after the sun goes down, it's when I write the best. All the days' chaos has ceased and all I hear is the click of my fingers on the keyboard. My mind is free of stress and worry and I am engulfed in what is appearing on my laptop. It's total serenity for me. With having social anxiety so bad I've learned what some of my triggers are. The things that will put me in a full-blown anxiety attack faster than I can blink. My number one trigger is overstimulation. My mind can not deal with a lot of noise. Sometimes when I'm home alone I can go hours if not days with no music or television. Total silence with whatever I'm doing helps me more than any pill or therapist.
Last month when Bryant and I split briefly I spent three days in silence. Three full days with no noise whatsoever. I can't begin to explain how at peace I was. Within an hour of his return, his explicit rap music was on and blaring. By the time the first song ended and whoever it was finished degrading women, three days of silence was for nothing and I was punching a pillow. Now don't get me wrong I do like some rap, but the ones that rap about sexual situations with no respect whatsoever towards women and rap about drugs and killing sets my anxiety into overdrive. And quite frankly makes me ill. Why couldn't they all be like Bruno Mars? Speaking of sex in a respectful and calm manner? And praising women and their beauty? Anyway, I totally got off the point. OK, so back to last night. (That was what this post was supposed to be about) I stayed awake all night not because I wanted to write but because my brain and my thoughts would not stop screaming. Since my birthday I've really been beating myself up. It took me one day to feel Lucifer pulling me back in and taking back his throne. A month ago I could have dealt with this better but to honest, it's been an extremely stressful month. I had found that writing my blog and getting everything out made me feel so much better. And after thinking about it I realized that I have been so busy trying to save everyone else that I forgot about me again. That is definitely gonna change. So, with that being said, please forgive me if I blog every day. Sometimes maybe even twice a day. I'm not doing it to annoy you, I'm doing it because I need to...hugs...
Last month when Bryant and I split briefly I spent three days in silence. Three full days with no noise whatsoever. I can't begin to explain how at peace I was. Within an hour of his return, his explicit rap music was on and blaring. By the time the first song ended and whoever it was finished degrading women, three days of silence was for nothing and I was punching a pillow. Now don't get me wrong I do like some rap, but the ones that rap about sexual situations with no respect whatsoever towards women and rap about drugs and killing sets my anxiety into overdrive. And quite frankly makes me ill. Why couldn't they all be like Bruno Mars? Speaking of sex in a respectful and calm manner? And praising women and their beauty? Anyway, I totally got off the point. OK, so back to last night. (That was what this post was supposed to be about) I stayed awake all night not because I wanted to write but because my brain and my thoughts would not stop screaming. Since my birthday I've really been beating myself up. It took me one day to feel Lucifer pulling me back in and taking back his throne. A month ago I could have dealt with this better but to honest, it's been an extremely stressful month. I had found that writing my blog and getting everything out made me feel so much better. And after thinking about it I realized that I have been so busy trying to save everyone else that I forgot about me again. That is definitely gonna change. So, with that being said, please forgive me if I blog every day. Sometimes maybe even twice a day. I'm not doing it to annoy you, I'm doing it because I need to...hugs...