Saturday, February 02, 2019

CLARITY

     Here's what I know. I know that we all have a heart, air in our lungs and a brain that tells our body what to do before it even happens. What I don't know is why our brains are each built the same but different if that makes sense. What I mean by that is what is different inside ourselves that makes us all individuals? What makes a person a murderer and what makes someone a saint? I know that it has to do our brain chemistry but how is each person's different? Who or what decides that? All my life I've tried to understand why I'm so different. Why my brain chemistry is made up so differently than others. I'm sure that it's a common question for most people whose serotonin levels are abnormal like mine. When God made Adam he was perfect.
And so was Eve who was made from his rib. So what happened along the way that certain people became flawed. (Yes, I considered myself flawed, but we all should feel that way about ourselves in some respect.) We can blame it on genetics or environmental factors but I don't buy that. I see situations all the time where one sibling is perfectly healthy and another is battling cancer. One is an athlete with an IQ of seventy while the other can't kick a ball but has an IQ of one hundred and forty. Their genetic makeup is the same and raised in the same environment but yet their brains are so different. Who decides that?
      Is it God? Or is it maybe that on the night that the child with an IQ of seventy was conceived after his/her father had one too many drinks and his semen was tainted. I guess I'm just trying to understand it all. I do believe that where something is lacked it is compensated in another place. For example the man with the IQ of seventy, he can't read a book but can look at something broken and fix it without thinking twice. Know exactly where every part goes just by looking at it. I'd like to think that I've been compensated for the things that I lack. I am unable mentally and socially to live the way the majority of people do. I laugh less than most and my sad days are more than the days that are happy. I prefer one on one to avoid my social anxiety rearing its ugly head. I'm am introverted, to say the least. And I have to admit that it's getting worse as I get older. When I was in high school I could get up in front of the whole school and sing my ass off. I  was given the gift of a beautiful voice and when I performed with everyone staring somehow "butter knife girl" disappeared. The only one at that moment was me. But now I could never do that. But where God closes one door I truly believe he opens another. He opens them for all of us. Whether we walk through them is where our free will comes into play. The door I was presented with wasn't handed to me with a big red bow. I was unable to see unless I focused all my energy at that exact place. But when I did it was right in front of me. I didn't quite understand what I was looking at, at first but as time goes on more of what is inside comes to light. What was inside that door was me. Inside my head, I heard a voice say "You will find you're the greatest happiness only through your years of pain." Now granted I know it sounds crazy, and maybe I've been reading the bible too much but it makes sense. Here's what I've concluded. I've resented the fact that I'm programmed different than most. Even yelled at God "why me"?  Because I have struggled to overcome the obstacles I have encountered and still do I have been given that voice that I never had. The voice that I've yearned for all these years. Stronger and more powerful than I could have ever dreamed it could be, doing it a way that I'm comfortable. A way I never imagined. All my life I've taken care of people. My mom still to this day tells me that I can't save the world. And I know that to be true. I can't go out in the real world and play nurse or therapist like I once did. But I can still be apart of the world. Still, try to leave my imprint in the world. When I walked through that door and turned around and looked back it wasn't a door anymore. It was this blog. #InDah'sEyes was my door. I just couldn't see it clearly at first. This blog has given me back my voice so that I can continue to try to help people through all of my pain. To still try and make a difference. And through that it's now so clear to me, I have found my greatest happiness...

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