HAPPY BIRTHDAY PUGS!!!!!

Happy 33rd Birthday to my dear sweet Pugs...my brother and my superman. I am so proud of how far you have come when there were so many obstacles standing in your way. I am so proud to be your big sissy and love you more than you know. Thank you for our late night talks and always being a shoulder to cry on. Enjoy your special day and see ya in the sunshine state in a few days💜🎉🎁🎂

  

                                

IN NEED OF PRAYERS!!!

      🙏🙏PRAYERS NEEDED!!🙏🙏
Why you ask? Well, we all need a little prayer at times. Sometimes more than others. Do you remember the last blog post? Well turns out she got picked up last night for something entirely different than what I spoke of before. The reason I'm asking for prayer is not to get her out of jail. As bad as this sounds she's exactly where she needs to be. Everyone can sleep a little bit sounder knowing she's safe and being fed. I can anyway. I'm asking for prayer in hopes that she can feel them. Somehow be pulled towards GOD and ask for forgiveness, and ask to be shown the way. Because somehow she veered far off the path and I truly believe that finding GOD will be her only way to come out of this. And there's actually another friend as well that I have that needs a little more prayer in her life. She's already accepting of his word, she just needs to be shown how wonderful it truly is. Shown the peace it gives people. Like the peace it gives me. I hope you all will help me pray for two of GOD's children....thanks.🙏

TOUGH LOVE

    Tough love is never easy. It doesn't matter who you give it to it hurts till the very end. At that time you are the only one who can actually feel any love because the one getting the love only feels abandonment. For months I have been silently watching someone I hold so very dear self destruct through my laptop. Always being there when she called like she was for me so many moons ago. There was a time in my life when I idolized her and was jealous of everything that she was. She was someone that could light up a room just by her presence and leave her mark where ever she went. Everything growing up that I wanted to be.

SUFFERING FOR STRENGTH

   

    So here's what I think...every choice in life that you make begins a butterfly effect good or bad. For months I have been driving myself mentally insane, probably borderline obsessed with what is going on in my relationship. I've been tearing myself down emotionally searching for his next fuck up, and always find at least one. My spidey sense starts tingling and sure enough, it's dead on. And just like that the same song and dance starts over, preventing me from healing and staying healed. I am aware that part of it is my fault, but just once I'd like to prove my spidey sense wrong. So I blame both of us for my mental deterioration. I know that every time that things are brought to the surface it's GOD's way opening that door of realization for me to walk through. To finally reach the inner peace waiting for me on the other side. But I always stop right before I'm supposed I put my first foot through, slamming it shut and moving me 1,000 miles away from it once again. I kept thinking that eventually the door would stay shut and it would be so far from me that I could barely see it in the distance. But maybe that's not true at all. Maybe repeating the same steps over and over is actually moving me closer. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just not ready yet. Every time it happens my soul goes numb a little more than the time before. And it hurts a little less. And even though I'm torturing myself I'm doing right by God by helping people. And I'm growing wiser so when I finally am ready to walk through that door he will have helped me gain enough strength so that I will never walk back through it again...

ROLLERCOASTER

   What a week...What a past ten days I should say. I can honestly say that it has been one of the most emotional ones in a while. Of course, it goes without saying that my relationship was definitely a passenger on my emotional rollercoaster, but it didn't take the first seat. Actually, it didn't even really take the second or third seat. The first, second and third seats belonged to Justin, Tony, and Luca. Last night I went back on my word and sent Justin a little message on Instagram. My heart was just so heavy since speaking to him and I couldn't help myself. Monday I go to the psychiatrist/psychologist for the first time in three years.

ARCHIVED

The last week has been hard for me. Juggling my day to day life and dealing with relationship drama. And then there's the people and obstacles that tried to tear me down, only to make me sit higher. (Now tell me who's the joke now)But those things really don't matter to me in the grand scheme of things. The thing that really weighed on my heart was my boys. Ever since speaking to Justin I can't get our conversation out of my head. I keep rereading it over and over trying to read between the lines. Seeing if there is something that he was trying to tell me that I missed. And trying to figure out what to do from here. It's literally been eating away at me.  I know what I have to do the question is can I do it? Can I face the chapter that I worked so hard to file away? Am I strong enough now? I guess I'm about to find out...

MY BIGGEST REGRET

     Throughout my life, many people had suffered at the hands of my mental illness but nobody as much as my three boys, especially my oldest son Justin The things that he went through as a child I'm sure he'll never forget and I understand why he will always hold that resentment in his heart towards me. When I decided to move from Pittsburgh to Florida four years ago I was escaping an abusive relationship where I prayed to die every time he hit me. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do but I will forever regret it. I panicked because I was afraid for my life and afraid of what I had become. They say you have to grow up sometime and when I found my strength I can honestly say that's when I grew up.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA!!

Happy birthday Ma! Thank you for being my best friend and loving me the way you do. Thank you for never being embarassed that you had a daughter with mental illness and helping me to realize that I'm special too. I am so blessed to call you my mom. I will forever cherish the close relationship we have. I love you more than words can say and appreciate everything you do to help me. Enjoy your day!! Hugs...

MOMMY'S GIRL

In case you were wondering it's true what they say. Animals do make the best therapy. I couldn't have gotten through the recent chaos without my baby girl Ming by my side. Love her to pieces!!

SHORELINE SECLUSION

     Oh my god!! What is wrong with people? Every day I try and try to do what God would want me to do. To treat even the people who treat me like shit well. But I guess everyone comes to a breaking point where their niceness runs out. And mine is running pretty thin. Like extremely thin. I loved the fact that I had my own home. A place that I could try to keep as drama-free as possible. Now granted the situation with "player" had created a little bit of chaos. Well drama, that is. But I dealt with it. But then god pointed me in a path that I felt obligated to walk on. When "player" came back from New York I instantly ran to him and made the choice to once again be homeless. Just to be by his side. It ended up that some of his family took us in that didn't even know me. I was eternally grateful. But now the tables have turned. Not because of homelessness but kinda to help us all out financially. But two like men will butt heads and they sure have. Which is causing me more stress. Stress that I sure as hell don't need. My mind is already fifty shades of fucked up and this is making it worse. When does Aprel get to breathe? I am seriously considering moving to a place that has no inhabitants other than me. Preferably someplace warm, with sand and a gorgeous man that delivers me drinks with those little umbrellas. (He's doesn't live there only works there. And leaves by sundown.) Ahhhh, that would be the life.