Throughout my life, many people had suffered at the hands of my mental illness but nobody as much as my three boys, especially my oldest son Justin The things that he went through as a child I'm sure he'll never forget and I understand why he will always hold that resentment in his heart towards me. When I decided to move from Pittsburgh to Florida four years ago I was escaping an abusive relationship where I prayed to die every time he hit me. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do but I will forever regret it. I panicked because I was afraid for my life and afraid of what I had become. They say you have to grow up sometime and when I found my strength I can honestly say that's when I grew up.
When I moved here I had every intention of having them here part-time as well. But that wasn't allowed by a certain person that will remain nameless. I've tried desperately to reach out to my kids and because of certain people, I've been shunned from my kid's lives. For four years I've cried myself to sleep because I miss them so. My Justin's been so mad at me and has refused to speak to me but today was different. Today he texts me after 4 years of silence and yes he bashed me and he yelled at me in his own way. He told me to leave him alone but I know that he acted that way because he was mad at me for leaving him. All the hurt and anger he has been penting up he finally got out. I'm hoping that because he's done this that maybe after a while he can find it in his heart to let me back in his life so that I can be back in all their lives which is all I want to do. I always told myself that I never wanted to have kids because of this very reason. Mental illness is no joke and it does affect everybody around you. Today I want to share with you something that my son Justin did. Please listen to it with an open heart and the words that are said and his voice. All of his emotions come out and you can feel his hurt. Justin if you're reading this I'll never give up. I will give you your space because I know that's what you need right now. But know that Mommy will always be here and I'll be waiting when you're ready, whether it's to cuss me out or to finally let me in. I'll never give up and I'll never stop loving you.
When I moved here I had every intention of having them here part-time as well. But that wasn't allowed by a certain person that will remain nameless. I've tried desperately to reach out to my kids and because of certain people, I've been shunned from my kid's lives. For four years I've cried myself to sleep because I miss them so. My Justin's been so mad at me and has refused to speak to me but today was different. Today he texts me after 4 years of silence and yes he bashed me and he yelled at me in his own way. He told me to leave him alone but I know that he acted that way because he was mad at me for leaving him. All the hurt and anger he has been penting up he finally got out. I'm hoping that because he's done this that maybe after a while he can find it in his heart to let me back in his life so that I can be back in all their lives which is all I want to do. I always told myself that I never wanted to have kids because of this very reason. Mental illness is no joke and it does affect everybody around you. Today I want to share with you something that my son Justin did. Please listen to it with an open heart and the words that are said and his voice. All of his emotions come out and you can feel his hurt. Justin if you're reading this I'll never give up. I will give you your space because I know that's what you need right now. But know that Mommy will always be here and I'll be waiting when you're ready, whether it's to cuss me out or to finally let me in. I'll never give up and I'll never stop loving you.