So here's what I think...every choice in life that you make begins a butterfly effect good or bad. For months I have been driving myself mentally insane, probably borderline obsessed with what is going on in my relationship. I've been tearing myself down emotionally searching for his next fuck up, and always find at least one. My spidey sense starts tingling and sure enough, it's dead on. And just like that the same song and dance starts over, preventing me from healing and staying healed. I am aware that part of it is my fault, but just once I'd like to prove my spidey sense wrong. So I blame both of us for my mental deterioration. I know that every time that things are brought to the surface it's GOD's way opening that door of realization for me to walk through. To finally reach the inner peace waiting for me on the other side. But I always stop right before I'm supposed I put my first foot through, slamming it shut and moving me 1,000 miles away from it once again. I kept thinking that eventually the door would stay shut and it would be so far from me that I could barely see it in the distance. But maybe that's not true at all. Maybe repeating the same steps over and over is actually moving me closer. Maybe, just maybe, I'm just not ready yet. Every time it happens my soul goes numb a little more than the time before. And it hurts a little less. And even though I'm torturing myself I'm doing right by God by helping people. And I'm growing wiser so when I finally am ready to walk through that door he will have helped me gain enough strength so that I will never walk back through it again...
