A PRESENT FROM DADDY

    So you could imagine the wave of emotions that were going through me after Amber had told me that. I was excited that maybe she would finally realize that I wasn't as crazy as I seemed to be, especially when she told me that she actually had felt her brother with her that night. And that was enough validation for me. I told her about hearing the number thirteen over and over again and hearing the words mother and safe. Once again I was shocked when she told me that her mom's birthday was in fact on the thirteenth and her sisters were on the thirty-first. Crazy. I put together that maybe Eli was worried about her being safe being she had moved to a different place recently and he didn't realize she had. I still didn't know where the flames came into play. She and I talked a while longer then said our goodbyes and hung up.

THREE AM WAKE UP CALL

    Needless to say, I didn't sleep a wink that night. The events of earlier that evening replayed in my mind mocking me as I wished for rest. I had no idea what I was gonna do or even how I could help my poor departed friend. But I knew that I had to at least try even if I suffered for it in the long run. Eli obviously had some type of unfinished business or he wouldn't still be an earthbound spirit. The hell part I honestly didn't quite understand. But I knew that I would find out eventually. Things like this don't always make sense at first and then it seems like everything just falls into place. Since I couldn't sleep I figured that the first thing I should do for Eli is pray. So after saying a cleansing prayer for myself, I prayed for him like I hadn't prayed in a long time. After I was done I felt great. Like this sudden wave of peace had washed over me. Hopefully, he felt it as well.

SHATTERED SPIRIT

     I was pissed at myself. I was pissed at myself because I knew that I wasn't 100%. I had communicated with spirit with no problem so many times before. But now, I was fifty shades of fucked up and my consciousness knew it. I was spiritually blocked, which means that because of all the stress and bullshit that had been going on in my life my third eye wasn't on point. Yes, I still saw them but hearing them could be a challenge at times. I was able to find a spirit box though on my phone and that worked for the most part. But definitely not as good as the real thing. It helped though that I didn't lose the ability to feel what they felt because that was so very important and boy did emotion radiate from Eli. In two seconds I had gone from feeling like my bitchy ass self to having an overwhelming sense of sorrow. It was so much that I could feel my eyes filling up with tears and a knot forming in my throat.

UNEXPECTED HOUSEGUEST

     A few months back I shared with you a story about my first love entitled "Damaged Like Me". How alike we were and how damaged he was throughout his short life. Poor Eli was a lost soul up until his dying day.  God, I miss him. I have to tell you though some things that have been going on lately. I told you early on of my gift that I was given when I flatlined after going into anaphylactic shock. My gift of being able to connect with spirit. I don't talk about it much on here as you may have noticed because we all believe in different things. But with this, I had to make an exception.

WRITERS BLOCK

     Finally, tonight my writer's block came to an end, somewhat. For the last few weeks, I've opened my laptop to jump into the writing of my book but couldn't. So many things have made my life eventful the last four years but tbh I've had no idea how to even begin to put them into words. I've done the outline thing which was a no go and everything else you could possibly think of with no success. I'm thinking the problem is me. I've got too much-jarbled bullshit going on up in the ole noggin that I'm steps away from reserving a bed in the looney bin. And I know myself, nothing in my world is peas and carrots when I'm at that point.

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN JUSTIN!!!!

     

     Well here it is yet again five am and another night passes without sleep. In two hours at 7:00 am sixteen years ago today, my dear sweet Justin was born. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Pacing up and down the hallway and the fifteen hours in labor. I remember everything, everything except the pain. Instead, I remember the overwhelming sense of love and joy I had. He is my firstborn and holds a special place in my heart. It kills me that today I won't be able to spend it with him. Another birthday I've missed. I've really been contemplating moving back to PA but the fear and anxiety kill me. But I miss my boys so very dearly. Even though Justin reached out to me a few weeks ago I still fear that if I go I will be rejected. And I can't deal with that. I regret my decision to move here that's for sure, but at the time I had no other choice. I couldn't take one more day of the beatings and this was the only logical thing for me. I had no one there to have my back so I was in fear for my life. But it doesn't make me leaving excusable, it doesn't make it right. I'm so sorry my dear Justin that I can't be there for your birthday. Happy Sweet Sixteen my love. Mommy loves you.....