JECKLE AND MR. HYDE

     So I had handwritten a blog entry to put in here the other day but for some reason, I just didn't get around to it and I wasn't sure why. Call it a hunch that I would soon regret it if I did. And boy was I right. You know when you suffer a disease you tend to have a heart and feel an overwhelming sense of compassion for those who suffer the same as you. But what about when you realize that the person is just bat shit crazy and there's absolutely no hope for them. That everything going on with them is because of their own actions. I'm proven right in that sense every time. That they turned out to just have motives for their generosity and when things don't go their way they turn into Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. I always wondered how we could hate it each other and then befriends so quickly. Maybe at the time, I was just looking to someone more fucked up than I was so that I didn't have to feel so shitty about my own life.

TRIGGER

    Well, the vicious bitch struck again. Meaning me. All night I laid in bed thinking and overthinking which never works out for my benefit. Beside me, Bryant slept and I just stared at his in anger, disappointment, disgust, and love all rolled into one. When my head hit the pillow it never fails, my minds starts a turnin. How could this man I worship, that I've loved with every inch of my being keep doing this to me? Then I kept thinking to myself, "well Aprel you bitch enough for four wives and you know what his triggers are and you do it so very well. So, by six am I finally fell asleep and woke up a few hours not mad anymore. Planned on letting it pass. Well, then I don't really know what happened. I freaked. Every single thought that I had had the night before coming spewing out of my mouth. Ugh, bitch mode struck again. I screamed till I almost passed out and of course he yelled back. Which I expected. Damn this bipolar I have. These meds better kick in soon or I may end up giving myself a heart attack. He was just sitting there calmly minding his own business and I flipped, and I have no idea why. I don't know why I can't just get it all out in one argument, why I constantly revisit things. Is it that heavy and that hard on my heart?

BITCHMODE: 101

     So, there's been two times in my life that I know I really screwed up. The first time being after my divorce when I agreed to let my ex-husband bend me over the washing machine at the home that he shared with the home wrecker that he cheated on me with and got pregnant. (And is presently married to.) That's definitely a regret. The second and biggest screw up that I've had was moving to Florida and leaving my three beautiful angels behind. No matter what they think. When I first moved here I did things that I regret, don't get it twisted but those things only taught me to be guarded and quite frankly a bitch to everyone that didn't keep my life calm and harmonious. But maybe I've been a bitch too much. Maybe my fight or flight has been more about the fighting part when I should of A: walked away and take flight or B: just learn to relax and not be so uptight. As you already know Bryant and I really haven't been getting along. He's been leaving a lot with no explanation.

AS THE DARK CLOUD ROLLS IN

     Depression sucks. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like a dark cloud over your head that you can't get away from. For every good day I have, three bad days follow. It never fails. Yesterday was a bad day. It was mothers day and yet again I'm without my precious boys. It sucks. So, of course, my dark cloud rolled back into port. And it'll probably stay there a while. One of the things people do when they're in an active stage of depression is they think about everything. And those things that they think about they dwell on. I excel at that. My bouts consist of lying in my room alone with the lights dim. Crying and overthinking everything. Sleep is a joke believe it or not. Eating...out of the question. Sometimes I go so long without eating that every time I stand up I almost pass out. And as far as my lack of sleep I sometimes go so long that I can't even talk right. Believe it or not, Bryant has become worried sick about me. Making sure I take my meds every day and never miss a doctors appt. He's the only one. People that I thought were my family chose their own greed over my health. Then they have the nerve to throw stones at him. Yes, he fucked up but at the end of the day, I can always count on him to be there when nobody else is.  But that story is for another day. Because I could literally write another book with that situation, it's that bad.  And one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time at the moment. Seems it's true what they say when it rains it pours. I keep waiting for these damn meds to kick in. Any day now I'm hoping. Because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this...

TEARS

     My mind has been a mess.  Two weeks ago I went to the psychiatrist to get back on something to help stabilize my mood and decrease my anxiety. Its been at an all-time high lately.  I literally cry over everything and constantly have chest pains.  When I opened my mouth to tell the Dr what was going on in my life I was instantly in tears,  despite my best effort to keep it together.  She started me on this new medication called Vraylar. Two weeks later I still haven't felt the effects but hopefully soon. She also put me back on Xanax at a lower dose to start. Yesterday I had to go back for a med check. Yet again I instantly burst into tears. I am trying so hard to feel emotionally okay but it's so hard when you have obstacles blocking your way there. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed. I did make Bryant a big dinner today which I haven't done in a long time and it felt good. Really good. For a minute I felt like the old me. But only for a minute. Then life's bullshit slapped me back into reality. I keep wondering if this normal if there are others dealing with the same kind of things. And also if I'm ever gonna find true peace in my life. One thing I've learned since diving head first into the bible is that we choose our own paths in life. So anything that happens to us good or bad is a result of our actions. When we go through it and have bad things happen to us we have no one to blame but ourselves.