So, there's been two times in my life that I know I really screwed up. The first time being after my divorce when I agreed to let my ex-husband bend me over the washing machine at the home that he shared with the home wrecker that he cheated on me with and got pregnant. (And is presently married to.) That's definitely a regret. The second and biggest screw up that I've had was moving to Florida and leaving my three beautiful angels behind. No matter what they think. When I first moved here I did things that I regret, don't get it twisted but those things only taught me to be guarded and quite frankly a bitch to everyone that didn't keep my life calm and harmonious. But maybe I've been a bitch too much. Maybe my fight or flight has been more about the fighting part when I should of A: walked away and take flight or B: just learn to relax and not be so uptight. As you already know Bryant and I really haven't been getting along. He's been leaving a lot with no explanation.
And when I say leaving I'm talking for days. This time it was for two. I spent these last two days balling my eyes out and drowning in a big puddle of my own tears reminding myself that I'm an idiot for always taking him back. And maybe I am. Some of the things that he puts me through I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. And the things that he does makes me see red and I say things to him and to the people that he's with (mainly women) that should never and I mean never come out the mouth of someone that claims to love her GOD and be religious. Which is me 100%, but I do. Which in turn takes me a good couple weeks begging GOD to forgive me for the spiteful things I said. Which with that, my theory is that he only forgives you so many times for the same thing until he stops forgiving you and turns his back on you because he knows that you know better.
So tonight I did something that I never thought I would ever do. Bryant called me and swore that he didn't cheat again that it was strictly a friendship level. Which at first I gave him a big old fuck you then I paused when he cut me off. The next thing he said to me was something that I have heard before and always took for bullshit. But then he took me for a loop when he said, "I want you to meet her. Let me bring her over to the house. The only reason that I lie to you about things when I leave is because I know that if I tell you the truth, whats really going on, you are gonna be pissed and I'll have to hear you bitch, which I hate. Oh, and by the way, she's married to a woman. Meet her and talk to her so for once you will know that I'm telling the truth." I know that he has a lot of female friends and he knows how jealous I get. So he tells me only part of the truth and keeps out the info that he thinks will piss me off. Which in my eyes is still lying. But I've met a lot of men who honestly think the same way as him. So usually my big yap would have told him to go fuck himself, but I was shocked when the words "OK, bring her over," came out of my mouth. Did I really just agree to let this woman that I'm assuming slept with the love of my life come into my home? My fortress of solitude? My bubble? Am I crazy? Like crazier than I thought I could possibly be? Yep probably so. But I was gonna take that leap of faith and hand it all to GOD. Because I am constantly saying how he doesn't like ugly and I've been very ugly lately in that respect. And I'm ashamed of myself to be completely honest. So in walks Bryant with her trailing behind and the first thing she did was say hello and tell me how great it was to finally meet me. The voice in my head said "say what now?" and she stuck her hand out to shake it. Now old habits don't die that hard and of course, I wouldn't shake her hand and I popped off a little bit. Then at Bryant. Which I shouldn't have done because that gets him going. But then the strangest thing happened. Instead of getting my never trust a bitch attitude and vibe and retreating into my bubble this feeling came over me of peace. Like GOD was letting me know that it was OK. That he actually was telling the truth this time and this was he way of proving it to me. Now maybe I'm crazy and its all in my head but he's never wanted me to meet anyone and lied to the end. So now I'm thinking maybe the reason he's kept so much from me is just what he said all along....that he doesn't wanna hear me bitch and that I wouldn't understand or be okay with it. Which in a lot of cases he's correct. He and I are two different breeds and that's never gonna change. And as far as what happened in January maybe my bitching and alcohol did play a factor in it and I cant totally blame him for that. Not entirely anyway...
And when I say leaving I'm talking for days. This time it was for two. I spent these last two days balling my eyes out and drowning in a big puddle of my own tears reminding myself that I'm an idiot for always taking him back. And maybe I am. Some of the things that he puts me through I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. And the things that he does makes me see red and I say things to him and to the people that he's with (mainly women) that should never and I mean never come out the mouth of someone that claims to love her GOD and be religious. Which is me 100%, but I do. Which in turn takes me a good couple weeks begging GOD to forgive me for the spiteful things I said. Which with that, my theory is that he only forgives you so many times for the same thing until he stops forgiving you and turns his back on you because he knows that you know better.
So tonight I did something that I never thought I would ever do. Bryant called me and swore that he didn't cheat again that it was strictly a friendship level. Which at first I gave him a big old fuck you then I paused when he cut me off. The next thing he said to me was something that I have heard before and always took for bullshit. But then he took me for a loop when he said, "I want you to meet her. Let me bring her over to the house. The only reason that I lie to you about things when I leave is because I know that if I tell you the truth, whats really going on, you are gonna be pissed and I'll have to hear you bitch, which I hate. Oh, and by the way, she's married to a woman. Meet her and talk to her so for once you will know that I'm telling the truth." I know that he has a lot of female friends and he knows how jealous I get. So he tells me only part of the truth and keeps out the info that he thinks will piss me off. Which in my eyes is still lying. But I've met a lot of men who honestly think the same way as him. So usually my big yap would have told him to go fuck himself, but I was shocked when the words "OK, bring her over," came out of my mouth. Did I really just agree to let this woman that I'm assuming slept with the love of my life come into my home? My fortress of solitude? My bubble? Am I crazy? Like crazier than I thought I could possibly be? Yep probably so. But I was gonna take that leap of faith and hand it all to GOD. Because I am constantly saying how he doesn't like ugly and I've been very ugly lately in that respect. And I'm ashamed of myself to be completely honest. So in walks Bryant with her trailing behind and the first thing she did was say hello and tell me how great it was to finally meet me. The voice in my head said "say what now?" and she stuck her hand out to shake it. Now old habits don't die that hard and of course, I wouldn't shake her hand and I popped off a little bit. Then at Bryant. Which I shouldn't have done because that gets him going. But then the strangest thing happened. Instead of getting my never trust a bitch attitude and vibe and retreating into my bubble this feeling came over me of peace. Like GOD was letting me know that it was OK. That he actually was telling the truth this time and this was he way of proving it to me. Now maybe I'm crazy and its all in my head but he's never wanted me to meet anyone and lied to the end. So now I'm thinking maybe the reason he's kept so much from me is just what he said all along....that he doesn't wanna hear me bitch and that I wouldn't understand or be okay with it. Which in a lot of cases he's correct. He and I are two different breeds and that's never gonna change. And as far as what happened in January maybe my bitching and alcohol did play a factor in it and I cant totally blame him for that. Not entirely anyway...