SURRENDER

      Surrender...thats what I'm about to do. I honestly don't know how much more strength I can muster. I'm so emotionally drained that I'm physically drained every-day as well.  Last week it got so bad that I had to call the cops because I became so afraid. And that takes a lot. But when you are face to face with someone stronger than you who is waving an ax towards you and punching holes in the walls it's hard not to want to seek protection. I guess when you tell me you hate me every-day you really mean it.  I mean you would have to truly hate someone to treat them that way. I know a lot has to do with the fact that I'm a bitch towards you a lot of the time but you have to ask yourself why.  Could it be all the resentment I hold towards you for all of the things you've done to me? Maybe the fact that you could lie, sneak , cheat and belittle me every-day?

BLIND EYE

       I hate days like today. The days that you try to avoid and put a bandaid on. I'm talking about the days when my eyes open for a second and realize just how bad it is.  How broken and damaged our relationship really is. I don't really pay attention to the distance that has taken place because I've taught myself that way.  I 've learned to turn a blind eye every-day to avoid my own mental demise. And I know this to be so true because it seems like lately, I've dove headfirst into trying to help others.  Because I've been trying at all costs to avoid my own. It's not healthy I know but compared to how the reality feels I'd choose this any day. And the realization is this...the damage is already done.  And the damage is more than I can explain. At this point, there's no way of repairing it. Before all this I never really trusted a man and now I know I never will. And the thought of ever being with someone else honestly makes me wanna vomit. The walls that nobody has been able to get through but him are now taller and stronger than ever before. And as I write this I'm sitting here shaking my head. How did it take me so long to find out what was really going on?

I'M THAT BITCH

    So, I gotta tell you this story...of how GOD has a way of blessing you when you least expect it. Or the way that he brings ppl into your path when you aren't looking. Rewind to I'd say about four months ago. I was on one of my inspector gadget kicks and going through Bryant's phone on a nightly basis because my spidey sense was tingling beyond belief. I quickly realized my spidey sense was tingling for a just reason. Multiple women's numbers lined his call history. There was one though that repeated itself over and over on his call history. Erked I did what I normally do...I picked up the phone and dialed the number. When she answered and I introduced myself she started to chuckle and said to someone in the background, "Yo, that nigga that was here last night, this is his wife."

THE DEMON WE CALL ADDICTION

        So here it is, a week since Travis passed away...Jackie is a mess and all I can do is answer the phone and let her cry. I don't know what else to do. For once in my life, I am at a loss for words. There's nothing I can do or say that is gonna mend her broken heart, so I just sit there and let her get it out. She feels such guilt for not being there at the moment he passed but obviously GOD played it out that way for a reason. She attended his funeral yesterday and aside from one person, his family was cold as ice towards her. Like it was HER fault that he died the way he did. Which is bullshit. Not a mention of her when that man adored her like I've never seen before. Travis suffered from addiction plain and simple and apparently had for years. I can't stand it when someone passes from this debilitating disease and the blame is put on someone else. Nobody forces us to do anything, we all have a choice.

HYSTERIA

     A few days ago I woke up at about 5ish to Bryant sitting beside me on the edge of the bed. I didn't know why I woke up but there I was. Now I know I've already mentioned this in the past but sleep and I don't mesh well together anymore. So when I do finally fall asleep I am beyond irritated if I'm woken up suddenly. Instead of yelling at him for bugging me like I so often do, I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. I chugged it down and raced back to my bed to curl up and pray that I'd be able to fall asleep again. But shockingly I couldn't fall back asleep which never happens to me at that time of the morning. I grabbed my phone to play my games and a text message came across my phone at that very moment.