Lord help me, I need a change. My days consist of this...I wake up and of course, I thank god for another morning he's blessed me with. I hop my happy ass outta bed and tend to my baby girl, my Yorkie Ming. Thank god for Ming, my savior. Anyway, throughout the day I puttsy around (as my pappy Plutch used to say, God rest his soul) cleaning up the house, posting cars online and making appointments. I even have time to play my online games at some point. And in between all of that, I do my two-hour routine to get ready for the day. Yep, it takes me to hours to get ready every day from start to finish. And that's not counting a shower. What can I say, its hard work being beautiful. Usually, by the time all of that is done its always around the same time. Instantly there's a feeling that comes over me because I know what's to come. His arrival home from work. Granted it hardly ever starts out bad by the end of the night I'm done with the day. At some point, there is always a fight and I revert back to my bubble. I've really been trying to go out and spend time with him but within ten minutes we are fighting again and I'm gathering my belongings to run back to my room.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Saturday, July 27, 2019
DREAMING REALITY
Another day.....same as the day before. Alone, except for my dog even when there are people here. I choose it to be this way though. I spend so much time thinking about my life, my kids and my future. Throwing ideas around in my head and carefully acting out every scenario. I know one thing for certain, this can't be it for me. There has to be more. If I continue to close myself off from the world and live my days and nights alone I surely won't last. Not to mention the fact that I'm thirty-seven years old and I have never truly felt love returned from someone I loved with everything in a romantic sense. Not even after being in this relationship for four years. Come to think of it there was only a short time I felt the love in return for my own, and that's when I had my babies with me. But that asshole, that evil man took that all away. And I'll never forgive him for that. I dream about my boys constantly sometimes two or three times a week. and it's weird because it's always the same scenario, Justin pushing me away and telling me he hates me. And of course, I wake up in tears and ask God for forgiveness for leaving them, and yell at him for making me feel as if the decision to move here was the right one. Dreaming about them constantly tells me one thing for sure....that the root of my problem is not having them by my side. And as I get older I realize that all the other things that have been going on would be like this: A) I wouldn't even put myself in a position to live the storyline I have, or B) At the first sense of chaos I would have made it known that it was unacceptable for me to be treated that way. And it would be my way or the highway.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
CURVEBALL
Life is hard, as we all know. Sometimes the things that are thrown our way we aren't prepared to take on. Curveballs in life are common happening to everyone every day. In a perfect world, we would live in bliss with nothing to fear and not a care in the world. Realistically though life like that comes later in our existence. I had debated on whether to write tonights post for the last four days but I think it'll make me feel better.
A few days ago while Bryant was at work he got the call. This was a long-awaited call that would change his world forever. His father, whom his relationship with was anything but normal, lost his battle with cancer. From what we found out the doctors said he had had it for twenty years and didn't even know it. It wasn't until last year when he started showing symptoms that he was diagnosed. By that time though it was really too late. It had already progressed to Stage Four. At that time Pops was offered chemo and radiation and he agreed. But only for a short time. He hated the way it made him feel and after a few treatments stopped. What was the point he had said in spending the time he had left sick? He wanted to enjoy what time he had despite the curveball that had been thrown his way. Up until a few months ago, it had worked for him too until his symptoms starting getting worse.
A few days ago while Bryant was at work he got the call. This was a long-awaited call that would change his world forever. His father, whom his relationship with was anything but normal, lost his battle with cancer. From what we found out the doctors said he had had it for twenty years and didn't even know it. It wasn't until last year when he started showing symptoms that he was diagnosed. By that time though it was really too late. It had already progressed to Stage Four. At that time Pops was offered chemo and radiation and he agreed. But only for a short time. He hated the way it made him feel and after a few treatments stopped. What was the point he had said in spending the time he had left sick? He wanted to enjoy what time he had despite the curveball that had been thrown his way. Up until a few months ago, it had worked for him too until his symptoms starting getting worse.
Saturday, July 13, 2019
LOST AT SEA
Lost inside myself, inside my own head lately. Pushed to the max, and drowning in an endless sea of need. Finding a way to get my nose above the water just long enough to take one breath of air, only to be pulled back under again. It's funny how the strength we think we don't have finds a way to push itself to the surface to help us get through another day. Inside I'm screaming but I'm smiling on the outside. The different facades that I possess are slowing starting to show themselves again. I had hidden them away and exposed myself for a while but obviously not without consequences. Could I have prevented this? Maybe. Do I have myself to blame for this? Probably so. For every action, there is always a reaction, good or bad. Decisions that I made years ago have brought me to this moment in my life, that I know for sure. I also know that nobody can help me to make this better. That I must do myself. I don't know how the backbone that I worked so hard to get back is slowly starting to become a distant memory. I need to muster up that inner strength that I know I have, that I've utilized before and been that girl I know. I need to muster up that strength so that I can find Aprel again. That girl everybody loves. The last couple of days I've had people reaching out to me just venting their problems and obstacles in their lives that they are facing. Then telling me that they have no idea why. In my mind, I'm thinking to myself, "obviously it's god willing you towards me, towards one of his healers, like so many others." I don't know if these people are being sent to me for a reason other than their own. Maybe it's thought that in helping others I'm helping myself as well. I'm not quite sure. How can my words sooth others when my own thoughts can't even soothe myself? I still firmly believe that in order to take care of anyone else you must first take care of yourself. How can a shattered soul give any type of effective, concrete advice? When they can't even practice what they preach to others? Wouldnt that make a person a hypocrite in one form or another?
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
EVERYBODY'S SHOULDER
I'm stretched to the max as far as helping people goes. I don't know why everyone comes to me for a shoulder to cry on or to help them fix their fuckups. It's gotten to the point now where it's making me wanna pull my hair out. It's affecting me mentally and physically. Yesterday I literally snapped. I thought for sure my cheese had slid off my cracker. But at least this breakdown I remember. And as if I didn't have enough people asking for help, last night someone else came to me for advice. I know that God wants me to help those in need but how can I do that when I'm in need myself? It's an impossible thing to ask of me. But here I am paper-thin and ready to break. And nobody gets it, nobody understands... I'm just expected to move mountains and fix everyone and all of their problems. I keep reminding myself that nothing is impossible and that I really must have some type of gift to have people living and non-living begging for my help. My cousin told me yesterday that when we had gotten off the phone one day she was crying. Someone had asked her what was wrong and she told them that I should be a motivational speaker. It touched me because I had never had someone say such kind words about me before. Could you imagine how much help I could give if I was at the top of my game? The possibilities would be endless I'm sure. But sadly that's all just a dream and I quickly pinch myself and fall back into reality.
Tuesday, July 02, 2019
ANOTHER ONE AS SEEN ON FACEBOOK
So as I was scrolling down my Facebook feed I find yet another post about mental illness that touches my heart just as much. Shared from me to you❤
Ew, the way some of y’all view mental health is very very sad. ZERO understanding and ZERO empathy. To think y’all are raising kids in this fucked up world with that type of attitude is real scary. This world is already fucked up and it’s only getting worse. Mental health issues increased SIGNIFICANTLY in our adolescence and young adults in just the last 5 years. From 5.9% to 8.2%. Which doesn’t sound like a lot, but that’s enough people to FILL every Major League Baseball stadium on the east coast, TWICE. That’s 6 stadiums with capacities of 35-50 THOUSAND people EACH.
1 in 5 children ages 13-18 have it will have a serious mental illness. That’s 20% of youth ages 13-18. 13% ages 8-15.
Suicide is the THIRD leading cause of death in youth ages 10-24. 90% of those who committed suicide had an underlying mental illness.
Mental health conditions include but are not limited to depression, anxiety, mood disorder, behavior and conduct disorder, ADHD, etc..
Warning signs are feeling sad or withdrawn, self harm, risky behavior, sudden fear, significant weight loss or gain, mood swings, troubled relationships, drug and alcohol use, changes in sleeping habits, difficultly concentrating, intense worries or fears that interfere with daily activities, etc..
YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO NEED YOU. THEY ARE GOING TO NEED EVERY BIT OF YOU.
No, they are NOT weak or selfish. They are fighting something intangible that they do not understand. Let me say that again, they will be fighting something that they cannot see, that they cannot touch, and that the do not understand.
To call a mental illness “weak” or “selfish” is VERY weak and selfish.
Ew, the way some of y’all view mental health is very very sad. ZERO understanding and ZERO empathy. To think y’all are raising kids in this fucked up world with that type of attitude is real scary. This world is already fucked up and it’s only getting worse. Mental health issues increased SIGNIFICANTLY in our adolescence and young adults in just the last 5 years. From 5.9% to 8.2%. Which doesn’t sound like a lot, but that’s enough people to FILL every Major League Baseball stadium on the east coast, TWICE. That’s 6 stadiums with capacities of 35-50 THOUSAND people EACH.
1 in 5 children ages 13-18 have it will have a serious mental illness. That’s 20% of youth ages 13-18. 13% ages 8-15.
Suicide is the THIRD leading cause of death in youth ages 10-24. 90% of those who committed suicide had an underlying mental illness.
Mental health conditions include but are not limited to depression, anxiety, mood disorder, behavior and conduct disorder, ADHD, etc..
Warning signs are feeling sad or withdrawn, self harm, risky behavior, sudden fear, significant weight loss or gain, mood swings, troubled relationships, drug and alcohol use, changes in sleeping habits, difficultly concentrating, intense worries or fears that interfere with daily activities, etc..
YOUR CHILD IS GOING TO NEED YOU. THEY ARE GOING TO NEED EVERY BIT OF YOU.
No, they are NOT weak or selfish. They are fighting something intangible that they do not understand. Let me say that again, they will be fighting something that they cannot see, that they cannot touch, and that the do not understand.
To call a mental illness “weak” or “selfish” is VERY weak and selfish.
Monday, July 01, 2019
AS SEEN ON FACEBOOK
I read this evening on Facebook and I just felt compelled to share. It's a breath of fresh air when you read things like this and know you truly aren't alone. To the one who wrote this, thank you❤
My reasons are personal about this...maybe if people's heads weren't buried in the sand of ignorance and they took the time to understand, instead of judging and thinking it won't happen to them because they have the perfect family, life would be a little bit easier for people that do experience this! This hits close to home for me, for family and friends who live under this shadow. The days of 'it' not being talked about or being taboo should be over. In the most difficult moments of life you realize who your true friends are, and the people who really appreciate you. Unfortunately, most social media 'friends' aren't true friends. They will send you a "like" here and there, but in reality, they do not take time to read your status if they see it's lengthy. More than half will stop reading right here, or have already scrolled on to the next post on their page. I decided to post this message in support of all those who continue to battle with their mental illness. (Suicide is at an all-time high). Now, let's see who will have taken the time to read this lengthy post right through to the end. If you have read everything so far, please "like" it so that I can put a thank you on your page. More mental health awareness is urgently needed. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean people aren't suffering. Please, try to spare a little of your time with someone who may just want to talk (about anything). Talking can help us all to cope a little more, keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. Most people will say, "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, I'll be there to help you" but will they? I believe a select few of my friends will post this, to show their support for those who may be struggling. You just have to copy and paste rather than sharing. I'd like to know who will take a minute out of their day to read this all the way to the end and then copy and paste it to their page, will you? If so, please write "done" in the comments. Thank you!
My reasons are personal about this...maybe if people's heads weren't buried in the sand of ignorance and they took the time to understand, instead of judging and thinking it won't happen to them because they have the perfect family, life would be a little bit easier for people that do experience this! This hits close to home for me, for family and friends who live under this shadow. The days of 'it' not being talked about or being taboo should be over. In the most difficult moments of life you realize who your true friends are, and the people who really appreciate you. Unfortunately, most social media 'friends' aren't true friends. They will send you a "like" here and there, but in reality, they do not take time to read your status if they see it's lengthy. More than half will stop reading right here, or have already scrolled on to the next post on their page. I decided to post this message in support of all those who continue to battle with their mental illness. (Suicide is at an all-time high). Now, let's see who will have taken the time to read this lengthy post right through to the end. If you have read everything so far, please "like" it so that I can put a thank you on your page. More mental health awareness is urgently needed. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean people aren't suffering. Please, try to spare a little of your time with someone who may just want to talk (about anything). Talking can help us all to cope a little more, keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. Most people will say, "if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, I'll be there to help you" but will they? I believe a select few of my friends will post this, to show their support for those who may be struggling. You just have to copy and paste rather than sharing. I'd like to know who will take a minute out of their day to read this all the way to the end and then copy and paste it to their page, will you? If so, please write "done" in the comments. Thank you!
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