CURVEBALL

       Life is hard, as we all know. Sometimes the things that are thrown our way we aren't prepared to take on. Curveballs in life are common happening to everyone every day. In a perfect world, we would live in bliss with nothing to fear and not a care in the world. Realistically though life like that comes later in our existence. I had debated on whether to write tonights post for the last four days but I think it'll make me feel better.
       A few days ago while Bryant was at work he got the call. This was a long-awaited call that would change his world forever. His father, whom his relationship with was anything but normal, lost his battle with cancer. From what we found out the doctors said he had had it for twenty years and didn't even know it. It wasn't until last year when he started showing symptoms that he was diagnosed. By that time though it was really too late. It had already progressed to Stage Four. At that time Pops was offered chemo and radiation and he agreed. But only for a short time. He hated the way it made him feel and after a few treatments stopped. What was the point he had said in spending the time he had left sick? He wanted to enjoy what time he had despite the curveball that had been thrown his way. Up until a few months ago, it had worked for him too until his symptoms starting getting worse.
       Afraid of dying, he started up the chemo and radiation once again, to maybe prolong his life a few extra days. I spoke with him on a few occasions recently and he had expressed to me that he didn't wanna die and was petrified at the thought of it. I remember thinking to myself my God, I couldn't imagine what he must be feeling being that he's so afraid. I remember wondering if he was afraid of actually dying or afraid of his judgment. I didn't ask because if judgment wasn't the case I didn't wanna put that into his head too. Lord knows he had enough in there to process. But if that was the case I was prepared to tell him that he didn't need to be afraid and that we all make mistakes. We all have sinned. That's what makes us human after all. And that we are forgiven. But I didn't.  Now when I spoke with him the last time it was because he wanted to come to stay with Bryant and me so that I could help him when he got too sick to care for himself. Even though Bryant and I had our own issues I agreed, never being able to turn down someone in need like that, especially family. Bryant, on the other hand, seemed to not want to be bothered. He said that he wouldn't be able to deal with what happens when a person with colorectal cancer is close to dying and also saying that he didn't want someone dying in our home. Every excuse he could come up with to not have him here I heard. I couldn't understand where he was coming from, this was his father for god sake.  He said that it was because things that his father had done to him as a child. Now please dont misunderstand, he truly loved his father. Always has and always will.  But I knew it went much deeper than that. Despite what he said I dont think he ever fully forgave his dad for not really being there amd for things he had done. But all that was for nothing though because his dad ended up going to Bryants brothers instead. His dad couldn't of imagine how that would hurt Bryant, as confusing as it was, but it did. I think it was another let down of him choosing Bryant last as he felt his dad had done all his life.
       I really didn't hear too much about him during his last month on earth when he had moved in with Bryant's brother. It had gone from constant communication of his condition to none at all up until the day he passed. Bryant had totally shut down as far as that situation, drowning himself in his work and failing to see his dad in his final days. Even though we all knew it was coming I was surprised at Bryant's response when it happened.  I could tell his soul was screaming but he acted like he was ok. Emotionless of the situation even towards me and I don't know why. Maybe he's trying to act tough but I can see the crack in his mask. It became apparent when I asked him if they were going to have a funeral or a memorial and he quickly snapped at me. They donated his body to science to hopefully help in the cure for cancer and will receive his cremains later. What a beautiful gift that was, but having no funeral or memorial after. I have fears that Bryant will never have the closure he so desperately needs. I'm hoping that he will get a little closure with the barbeque that they are having in Pops honor. In typical Pops fashion, it was his idea, even paying for it before he passed letting everyone know he's still with us, even from beyond the grave.