DREAMING REALITY

      Another day.....same as the day before. Alone, except for my dog even when there are people here. I choose it to be this way though. I spend so much time thinking about my life, my kids and my future. Throwing ideas around in my head and carefully acting out every scenario. I know one thing for certain, this can't be it for me. There has to be more. If I continue to close myself off from the world and live my days and nights alone I surely won't last. Not to mention the fact that I'm thirty-seven years old and I have never truly felt love returned from someone I loved with everything in a romantic sense. Not even after being in this relationship for four years. Come to think of it there was only a short time I felt the love in return for my own, and that's when I had my babies with me. But that asshole, that evil man took that all away. And I'll never forgive him for that. I dream about my boys constantly sometimes two or three times a week. and it's weird because it's always the same scenario, Justin pushing me away and telling me he hates me. And of course, I wake up in tears and ask God for forgiveness for leaving them, and yell at him for making me feel as if the decision to move here was the right one. Dreaming about them constantly tells me one thing for sure....that the root of my problem is not having them by my side. And as I get older I realize that all the other things that have been going on would be like this: A) I wouldn't even put myself in a position to live the storyline I have, or B) At the first sense of chaos I would have made it known that it was unacceptable for me to be treated that way. And it would be my way or the highway.