LOST AT SEA

      Lost inside myself, inside my own head lately. Pushed to the max, and drowning in an endless sea of need. Finding a way to get my nose above the water just long enough to take one breath of air, only to be pulled back under again. It's funny how the strength we think we don't have finds a way to push itself to the surface to help us get through another day. Inside I'm screaming but I'm smiling on the outside. The different facades that I possess are slowing starting to show themselves again. I had hidden them away and exposed myself for a while but obviously not without consequences. Could I have prevented this? Maybe. Do I have myself to blame for this? Probably so. For every action, there is always a reaction, good or bad. Decisions that I made years ago have brought me to this moment in my life, that I know for sure. I also know that nobody can help me to make this better. That I must do myself. I don't know how the backbone that I worked so hard to get back is slowly starting to become a distant memory. I need to muster up that inner strength that I know I have, that I've utilized before and been that girl I know. I need to muster up that strength so that I can find Aprel again. That girl everybody loves. The last couple of days I've had people reaching out to me just venting their problems and obstacles in their lives that they are facing. Then telling me that they have no idea why. In my mind, I'm thinking to myself, "obviously it's god willing you towards me, towards one of his healers, like so many others." I don't know if these people are being sent to me for a reason other than their own. Maybe it's thought that in helping others I'm helping myself as well. I'm not quite sure. How can my words sooth others when my own thoughts can't even soothe myself? I still firmly believe that in order to take care of anyone else you must first take care of yourself. How can a shattered soul give any type of effective, concrete advice? When they can't even practice what they preach to others? Wouldnt that make a person a hypocrite in one form or another?