How can you turn away someone you love so much? How can you just walk away from someone who has truly had your heart for the last four years? The only one you've ever truly let in and put your walls down for? I was still trying to figure out what stage of grief I was in, knowing that there was no way I could only be in the first stage which is denial. I very well may be though since this roller coaster has just continued and continued not ever having an end date, never giving me time to heal. Just when I thought things were starting to calm down I was again hit by something else. Usually another woman and in turn another lie.
"Masking Mental Illness: Learning To Loose Those Masks And Love Myself, One Day At A Time."
Monday, September 30, 2019
Friday, September 27, 2019
EMPTY
That night my friend came over and kept me company trying to preoccupy my mind. But despite her best efforts I couldn't stop thinking about my situation. I was so disappointed in myself. How could someone with an IQ of one thirty-five be so dumb? What the hell was so special about him that I could let him do this to me over and over again? And take him back every single time. When am I gonna feel like enough is enough?
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
THIRTY-0NE
That night we talked, probably the calmest we had talked in a long time. It was weird because for the first time in so long the talking wasn't followed by screaming. We actually had an adult conversation and it scared the crap out of me. He promised me again that it would never happen and apologized once again for everything that he had done. I knew better than to believe him because every time he's said that I knew that eventually there would be more to come. I made him promise me that he would never speak to her again and then he was to block her number and he agreed.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
SILENCE
That day I did some things I shouldn't have done and definitely not proud of, God was probably so disappointed. I blew up both their phones, saying whatever I could to stir a response. Well with her anyway. With him I knew his style, he would read everything that I wrote word for word but never respond. Instead, he would totally analyze it and think. Think so much that it would make him nuts. Never saying anything to me or even out loud but inside he would be screaming out in pain. I know that two wrongs don't make a right and revenge is a sin in Gods eyes but at that moment I didn't care. The hurt I had inside I can't even put into words and I wanted them to feel it too.
Monday, September 16, 2019
SNEAK ATTACK
In order to catch a sneak sometimes, you have to become one yourself. Which is exactly what I've done for the last two years. I knew there was something going on I just couldn't quite put my finger on it yet. The only way for me to figure it out was to play inspector gadget once more and go snooping. When it came to me, I allowed him no privacy. Everything he had to communicate with the outside world I paid for and/or it was in my name. All for a reason folks. This girl is no dummy when it comes to that. But yet a dummy if you look at the big picture. How do you wrap your head around that one?
Saturday, September 14, 2019
THAT "AH HUH " MOMENT
The next week, week and a half went by. I tried as hard as I could to be on my best behavior with him. I hardly bitched at all. There were times that he jumped down my throat because he thought I was actually was bitching when in fact I wasn't. He said he was just so used to me doing it that he automatically thinks I constantly am. Goes to show me that he really never listens to me at all. So that's how our week went. Calm. We got along like we used to and I tried as hard as I could to make an effort to show him that I was trying. He started working at a new car dealership the next town over and I even agreed to start posting the vehicles and setting up appointments for him again. The third day when he got home from work I got right on my computer. There wasn't a damn thing he could say that I had done wrong the whole week.
HANGING HIMSELF WITH MY KINDNESS
As I listened to him I had to chuckle to myself. Chuckled because yet again I hear the same words as before. And before I would let him ramble and when he deflected the blame and told me it was because I did something to cause him to act this way I would accept it and move on. Lately, though I fought right back and called him on his bullshit. And he hated it. After all, a narcissist always has to come out on top. And he hated it when I proved him wrong. I don't care what anyone does or says, you don't cheat. If you arent happy you end the relationship. Something he's never been able to do. I mean think about it. If he did he would pay all the bills and support him? Anyway, after his sob story was over I just sat there waiting to see if he would come clean about any wrongdoings he had done. Nothing. Not one damn thing. I figured that it would all come out in the wash anyway. And I was gonna make sure he was around to hear it. My god how the lord works in mysterious ways...the next day I received a phone call.
Friday, September 13, 2019
LOOKING THROUGH EMPTY EYES
He answered quickly which was unusual for him the last few weeks. I knew right then something was wrong and once again he needed me to save him in one way or another. When he said hello my response was simple, "Okay, what trouble did you get yourself into now?" "Aprel, I need you to call me an uber to come home." I didn't understand until he proceeded to tell me that his flame had left him outside an apartment for lord knows how long while she was inside doing god knows what. He said he left her there and drove to a Circle K to have me uber him home, leaving her keys under the seat and texting her the info. I should have known. She must have disrespected him by leaving him in the car and disrespect is one thing that is a big no-no for him. Even though it's okay for him to do it to others. It being done to him is a total deal-breaker. Me, being the sap that I am and loving him for what I don't know, I asked him which Circle K he was at and sent him an Uber. I still didn't know what I was going to say to him or what to even do.
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
IDK WHY I'M THINKING OF YOU, I'M SORRY...
I called him right away preparing myself for an over the phone battle. But to my surprise, I had no fight left in me. All I could do was sob. Now I felt like an even bigger idiot, how dare he get me to my point of utter weakness. When I asked why he had taken all his things while I was asleep he said that he had stayed with me to make sure I was okay but was afraid and panicked. His flight or fight instinct was almost always flight and that's exactly what he did. He had left me alone once more, beaten, battered and scarred.
As the day progressed I spent the whole day in bed in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening again. With us, our relationship is different. Even though we fight and do things to each other that we aren't proud of, we both know that we will end up back together. In my eyes we are soulmates and the fights that we get in are just that. Fights. Then we make up and are fine within a few days. But this time, I wasn't quite sure. I knew that he was really catching feelings for this shardwhore and it totally took me for a loop.
As the day progressed I spent the whole day in bed in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening again. With us, our relationship is different. Even though we fight and do things to each other that we aren't proud of, we both know that we will end up back together. In my eyes we are soulmates and the fights that we get in are just that. Fights. Then we make up and are fine within a few days. But this time, I wasn't quite sure. I knew that he was really catching feelings for this shardwhore and it totally took me for a loop.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
COWARDS WAY OUT
I can only come up with two explanations as to my actions this past week. One, I have truly been given a gift from God to be open-minded and have a big ass heart, or scenario number two, I'm dumber than a box of rocks. I haven't decided yet which. So I was told by a certain person that his fling had gone to Orlando to go to rehab. I know him so I knew better. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. And just as I suspected, rehab was not in her plans.
Wednesday, September 04, 2019
THE HUNT
Im still trying to make sense of all of this. How he could go from a ten (me) to someone who is so nasty there is no number for her. But wouldn't ya know after a 3-day whore fest guess who came crawling back and crying the blues like always. Yep. With his dick between his legs and all. Same story as always, I love you, nothing happened. I've heard that so many times that I know the exact second he's gonna say it. Then get this, he's back one night and says he would be right back the next night and is gone for two more!
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