Friday, September 27, 2019

EMPTY

      That night my friend came over and kept me company trying to preoccupy my mind. But despite her best efforts I couldn't stop thinking about my situation. I was so disappointed in myself. How could someone with an IQ of one thirty-five be so dumb? What the hell was so special about him that I could let him do this to me over and over again? And take him back every single time. When am I gonna feel like enough is enough?
     When I have another nervous breakdown? I think I kinda had one earlier in the evening when we had been fighting. I felt my mind and soul separate from my body like an out of body experience. I was so hurt and so mad. I felt like it was all encaged in me and I couldn't get it all out despite trying. It was a feeling I had only felt twice in my life.
The first time was in March 2017 when I had gone into anaphylactic shock and coded twice and received my gift. The other was back in January when I had physical proof that he was fucking someone else. As my anxiety rose it made me go into sheer panic mode like my fight or flight had kicked in. I wanted to climb the walls one minute and in the next minute, I felt everything in me collapse. My mind, body, and soul had given up and I was defeated. That's how I felt that whole evening and into the morning hours, a shell of myself, my heart shattered and my soul empty. I think I finally fell asleep around six am, even after taking my meds which usually knock me out three hours prior. I never actually fell into a deep sleep though, I hadn't been that lucky in years. I tossed and turned until about two-thirty that afternoon and finally gave up, irritated and exhausted. As I layed there I realized what was going on inside me. I was going through the five stages of grief. But was that even possible in this situation? The answer was yes. And I had been going through it a very long time. I just hadn't realized it until now. And as I was coming to that realization, he knocked at the door...

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