Saturday, September 21, 2019

SILENCE

    That day I did some things I shouldn't have done and definitely not proud of, God was probably so disappointed. I blew up both their phones, saying whatever I could to stir a response. Well with her anyway. With him I knew his style, he would read everything that I wrote word for word but never respond. Instead, he would totally analyze it and think. Think so much that it would make him nuts. Never saying anything to me or even out loud but inside he would be screaming out in pain. I know that two wrongs don't make a right and revenge is a sin in Gods eyes but at that moment I didn't care. The hurt I had inside I can't even put into words and I wanted them to feel it too.
 When the day was over I wasn't surprised that I felt even worse. I was disappointed in myself. What I did hadn't changed the current situation at all, just made me feel worse. That night I cried myself to sleep dwelling on it all. The thought of him with another woman was something that literally made me ill but I couldn't get it out of my head. I spent the next couple hours with my head hanging in the toilet before I had finally calmed down enough to lay down and get some type of rest.
     The next morning I woke up to an empty bed and a silent house. I found myself thinking about the things that used to drive me nuts that he did like grinding his teeth and hogging the bed. I missed them, and at that moment I would have done anything to be annoyed by them again. My day consisted of silence, utter silence. I found myself expecting to hear that got awful music blasting and thinking to myself that he was such an asshole but nothing, just the silence. And it made me want to climb the walls. A couple of my friends had come for a visit to make sure I was alright. I was grateful that they had come but found that as they spoke all I heard was the silence. And all I thought about was him. When I didn't hear from him the whole day it broke my heart. I wasn't used to not talking to him at least once, even if it was screaming. To hear him tell me I was a bitch would have been music to my ears. I never in a million years thought I'd be wishing for the chaos but I was. How was I gonna make it without my best friend? I refused to accept that possibility. The next day was another quiet one. Even Ming was depressed by his absence and slept for days. I laid down that night once again alone until a knock woke me up. I walked over and oped the door and low and behold there he was. I told myself not to show him weakness, but I didn't know if I had it left in me. He couldn't know how much I missed him, so I put on the biggest mask I've ever worn. It had to be my best performance yet, I had no choice. He would not see me shed one more tear, there was no way in hell.

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