CENTER STAGE

     I'm sure that every one of you have experienced a time in your life where you felt as if you were just existing. Not making a difference in the world and not having a life goal. For me, I've felt that way more times than not, even if it was only in my head at that moment. That would be my mental illness revealing itself, making me it's only audience. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. For example, I feel like the biggest pile of shit right now.

ME, MYSELF AND I

     Throughout my 37 years on this plane it has taken me this long to figure out that each and every one of us truly are all alone. What I mean by that is people that you thought you had you really never had them at all, they're just there at the moment most the time to benefit themselves. And then when things don't go their way and everything you have is gone your just a distant memory to them and they wipe their feet and kick up the dirt in your face as they walk away and never look back.

FAITH

     My world's been kind of crazy lately but the one thing that's always been there has been my faith. My faith in life, my faith in love, my faith in trust and honor, but mostly my faith in God. I'd like to think that he's the reason I've gotten as far as I have. That he's the one that has taught me all the lessons that I've learned in life. My morals are strong and even though it doesn't happen 100% of the time I expect to be treated the way I treat others. I don't understand how people can be so cold towards other people having no regard for their feelings and be able to hurt them and not feel guilty.

PLAN B

     Tonight I have a lot on my mind. I'm thinking about him, thinking about my boys and wondering if my future is gonna turn out how it's intended to be, the way God planned for it to be or will I choose to walk the path to the left. It'll still be a path towards God because I'll never leave his side, it would be the path I was meant to take it would be plan A. Then it hit me that I've always taken plan B because it was safer and without risk. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I've always taken the back road to happiness, always settling for second best and even being one myself. I was comfortable standing in the background because I was embarrassed by who I had come to be.

#STOPSUICIDE

Ok so I know that it is 8 Mos away but there is tons of preparations to do to make this event epic. I need to start getting sponsors together to help with the venue, dinner and win-a-date things. So I'm not asking for money but for sponsors that will help closer to the event. Before we know it June 5th will be here and we wanna make this one of the best charity events ever. The more help and the more addendees, the more help those with mental illness can get and the less suicides will occur. We r all special and deserve to live our lives the way God intended us too. thank you all in advance for helping me in the fight against stopping suicide. God bless. #STOPSUICIDE ❤️❤️❤️❤️

GODS PERFECT IMPERFECTIONS

     So, today I officially started what is going to be a long but definitely worth it task of putting together the greatest and most beneficial charity event that anyone has ever seen. This is by far one of the most exciting things I have ever done and I can't wait to get it all together and see the end result. I am blessed to have such a great support system in regard to this cause and so many people reaching out to me to see if they can help. Only one day since I announced it and already more than I imagined. It makes me so happy because it shows me that people are paying attention to what I have to say and are supportive of my blog which to be honest I was a little nervous that it would flop. I had my apprehensions about just telling my whole life good and bad, holding nothing back. I was afraid of what people would think of me and afraid that my family would have one more thing to be embarrassed about when it came to me. And for some family members that was the case and I was told that it was inappropriate to reveal all my dirty laundry, which in some instances revealed theirs as well.

#INDAH'SEYES HOLDS A CHARITY EVENT!

SO AFTER WAITING FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER I GOT THE OKAY FROM THE AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION THAT I CAN DO A CHARITY EVENT. I'M SO EXCITED!! ❤️ ❤️ I'M PLANNING ON DOING A BANQUET WITH MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT AND A WIN A DATE WITH YOURS TRULY AND A FEW OTHERS. IT'S GONNA BE EPIC!!! 

MOVING ON

So I gotta be honest, even though I love my bubble and being alone, I'm starting to get a little lonely. I mean I can only talk to my dog so much. And I think that I know why. I think that in the four years that we were together I was actually alone more than I was with somebody. Especially the last year since we've been here and since he got his first scooter. He was gone constantly and even when he was here he really wasn't here so I spent a lot of time by myself. Another issue that we had was the fact that in the last year that we were together all we did was fight constantly. We just couldn't get along which I didn't understand because for the first year and a half of our relationship we didn't fight one time.

OSCAR

Well, what can I say, sometimes I don't make the right choices. A week had passed that he was away and my heart hurt so much that when he called and told me that he had nowhere to go I felt bad and let him come back. Sometimes I swear I can be such a dummy. It didn't take him long to leave again, two nights to be exact, and he was gone again. I just don't get it. He has to be the grimiest of anyone I've ever met. When he came back he literally cried telling me how sorry he was and that he couldn't live without me. and he sounded so sincere. I got to hand it to him, the boy could win an oscar. It was just so cruel because we got along so well and then poof, he went to work and never came back. I got an excuse that he needed to go somewhere for a friend but when he never came home I knew the real reason. And when I spoke with him that night he really bawled confessing his love. What an ass. I can't for the life of me figure out what's so wrong with me. I mean, I'm not that hideous. And through all of this, I met a great friend. Someone that I could see as maybe more. Someone who would actually treat me with some respect. And that would be good for me. But I fear that because I keep staying on this rollercoaster with a certain person, I fear I totally screwed it up. 

SEE YOU AND SMILE

      It's funny how all of this has affected me more than I thought it would. I assumed that since it had happened so many times before that I wouldn't feel a thing, that I'd be numb to it all. But the fact of the matter is that's not true at all. In all honesty, I'm a mess. A full-blown, ready to lose my mind mess. And I can't believe how much I miss the little things he did that used to make me laugh and that I loved about him. Hell, I kinda even miss the things he did that used to drive me bat shit crazy. Although we fought so much towards the end and became literally strangers, I still loved him with every ounce of my being. He is and always will be my soulmate and the one who stole my heart.
      He was it for me, no questions asked, and I honestly don't know where to go from here. I lost him so long ago in reality if I really had him at all. I'd like to think that at some point that he did love me in his own way, the only way he knew how. But I could be wrong. So much cheating and so many lies make me question and wonder if it was just the fact that he was comfortable with me and I took care of him. He told me time and time again that he did love me, but it was so easy for him to tell someone else so fast. Even tell me. So my question to myself is, now what? What I do know is I have to do me right now and try to find myself again, something that I lost somewhere in the last four years without even realizing it. I have no idea though where to even start. Right now I feel like a shell of myself like I lost half of who I was. He was the one who took my breath away and although he disrespected me more times than I can count, he never did wrong in my eyes. Was it that I was nieve? Maybe. Or was it the fact that I loved him so much? Also a possibility. And I know that there will be others when the time is right, but I know for certain I will never love another like I did him. People come and go in our lives so much, only some leaving an imprint that goes so deep into your bones that you never forget. He was the only one who was able to leave an imprint on my heart, something that some have tried but never succeeded. All the others only saw Aprel, the Aprel that wore so many masks and never were able to see the real me and bring down my walls. With him though he saw it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he helped me believe it or not to become the person I am today. He showed me how the real world really was and how to stand on my own two feet. And for that, I will always be grateful. And even though this chapter of my life has come to a close, my journey will still continue. And maybe someday we will cross paths again if only for a second, and I'll be able to look at him and smile and remember the one who stole my heart... 

A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON LIES

     Well, peeps tonight's post marks my 100th post since launching #InDah'sEyes back in November of last year. Thank you for following me this far in my journey and viewing my soap opera over 10,000 times in less than a year. I appreciate it more than you know. Tonight I wish I could say that I am in a great mood but I would be lying. And I made a deal with God a few years back that I would try to avoid that at all costs. Here it is almost midnight and I'm alone once again. I was right to trust my gut. This chaos with him wasn't going to end and it hasn't. Sunday night he made his usual excuse that he was going with a friend. But instead of staying gone he came back about eight the next morning.