Tonight I have a lot on my mind. I'm thinking about him, thinking about my boys and wondering if my future is gonna turn out how it's intended to be, the way God planned for it to be or will I choose to walk the path to the left. It'll still be a path towards God because I'll never leave his side, it would be the path I was meant to take it would be plan A. Then it hit me that I've always taken plan B because it was safer and without risk. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I've always taken the back road to happiness, always settling for second best and even being one myself. I was comfortable standing in the background because I was embarrassed by who I had come to be.
I had gone from a 160lb nurse, wife, and mother of three to a 250lb disabled bitch who got beat up every day and couldn't even take care of her own kids. I hated that Aprel and could not wait until she was only a distant memory. Now I'm a 147lb female that gets hit on every day. If I had to rate myself then versus now I would have to say back then I was a 2. But now I'd have to give myself an 8. An 8 is definitely better than a 2, but here's the thing about that. When I attempt to socialize with a group of people the 8 disappears and once again I'm a 2. That's how easy I can lose my self-esteem. It's ridiculous. But I know why I feel that way, point-blank, I am a woman who suffers mental illness. And that's the way that mental illness has taught me to be. I didn't realize it until later that this year marks 25 yrs I've been battling this. 25 years of learning as much as I can about this disease and now trying to save others from spending their lives naive like me. Teaching them how to be ahead of the game so that plan A is all they ever see because plan B doesn't exist.
I had gone from a 160lb nurse, wife, and mother of three to a 250lb disabled bitch who got beat up every day and couldn't even take care of her own kids. I hated that Aprel and could not wait until she was only a distant memory. Now I'm a 147lb female that gets hit on every day. If I had to rate myself then versus now I would have to say back then I was a 2. But now I'd have to give myself an 8. An 8 is definitely better than a 2, but here's the thing about that. When I attempt to socialize with a group of people the 8 disappears and once again I'm a 2. That's how easy I can lose my self-esteem. It's ridiculous. But I know why I feel that way, point-blank, I am a woman who suffers mental illness. And that's the way that mental illness has taught me to be. I didn't realize it until later that this year marks 25 yrs I've been battling this. 25 years of learning as much as I can about this disease and now trying to save others from spending their lives naive like me. Teaching them how to be ahead of the game so that plan A is all they ever see because plan B doesn't exist.