IT'S IN THE GENES

     Ok so maybe my last post was a little too harsh. But it's in my nature, I can't help it. I come from a long line of bitches on both my mother and father's sides and we are proud to be that way. Sure, I may have been a late bloomer, just recently perfecting the craft, but better late than never I always say. But despite all that sometimes maybe I just need to hold my tongue, or my fingers in this case. I've always been proud to be the sense of reason for most and that was definitely not any type of sensible reasoning going on there. Sometimes I yap now and think about what I said later. But I'm human what can I say. I will fuck up and I will make mistakes. Anyway onto a brighter note, I finished my book. 70,000 words later I finally finished my book. It's taken me a year to do and honestly, I didn't know I could find that much to talk about. How does my life have enough context to fill a 200+ page book. It's crazy. I still have to find a good editor and then write my query letter. Writing that maybe harder than writing the book I think. Whatever the case may be though im relieved to have it done and nervous of what's to come.

DUMMY AT THE DINNER TABLE

     Well another holiday over, thank god. I almost didn't write tonight but I figured that I had better. I wish I could tell you that my Thanksgiving was joyous and full of laughter but unfortunately I can't. I will say though that I was extremely grateful and appreciative that my mom invited us over for dinner. She, however, did not foresee what would happen if she put my grandma's asshole boyfriend and me together. Not a good thing. As soon as we sat down his gums started flapping. Then as soon as my other half got up to leave the table he started to say something and I cut him off at the jump. Not on Thanksgiving. Be good Aprel I kept repeating to myself, don't throw a gasket in a person's home that you just met. Your mom will most definitely kill you. So I kept my little mouth shut and walked outside. As I started to mumble something to my love damned if he didn't stroll outside as well. I was cold but answered as he spoke. And I would have been able to just shrug off the events that happened inside if he hadn't started on me again. This time it was way too far. He started asking us about our finances! Can you believe it? First, he drilled me about how we made our finances and then what our bills are. I came back at him like a momma bear protecting her cubs. His nosey attitude was the last thing that I needed today. It was Thanksgiving and I was without my boys...yet again. My heart was breaking and pissed when I walked in that house and he just made it worse. Today was definitely not the day to fuck with me...

DIFFERENCE

     Funny how things can end up in life. People that make such a difference to the world in whatever case it may be pass away and eventually they are forgotten about only being a distant memory. People that you once loved end up being your worst enemy and vice versa. And how about family? Ones that you spent every waking moment with are all of the sudden too busy to pick up a phone or shoot a text to say hello. I am guilty myself of being too busy with things that don't really matter. I forget to remember to tell the ones that matter the most that I'm thinking of them, even just by saying hello. Society is so much different now even than it was ten years ago. People didn't respond to others with a text, they called them or went to visit. But now we all forget the things that matter most in our lives and dwell on the things that really don't matter in the long run. The world is so ugly and full of greed. I just have to wonder if God is shaking his head in disappointment, watching all of us. He started everything over once, I wonder if he's planning to have another go at it.. And no, this isn't me being pessimistic, it's reality. I'm not sure what happened to all of us, how the world got so ugly, but it has. People used to be nice to one another, helping others in any way possible. Now most would just walk past a homeless person cold and begging for food, not giving him a second thought. But that's what's accepted nowadays, that's society. And what about judgement? If a person isnt judged for one thing they will surely be judged for something else. For example, in my case mental health. Back when I was a teenager and trying to figure out why I was how I was, there wasnt a day that I didnt get made fun of. But that was for one reason and one reason only. Because mental health was kept hush hush. People really were uneducated when it came to the disease. So therefore, they didn't understand it.  They treated it like a disease that meant you were downright crazy and belonged in a insane isalym. And the funny thing about that is most of those people had mental health disorders themselves, just undiagnosed.. In the case of mental health, its the opposite now. People were ugly towards it back then but dont give it a second thought now negatively. I really thought when I started this blog a year ago that I would be ridiculed and laughed at. But honestly its been the opposite. And although its surprising its comforting just the same. Now my question to you is, if a person can treat a person with bipolar no different than anyone else, then why are we afraid to acknowledge that homeless person who just wanted a warm blanket and warm meal? I'll never understand people. But maybe I'm not meant to. Only God knows that for sure.

AUNT MONIQUE'S DYING WISH

     So I never really talk about my family on here, but I just had to tonight. Looking back even though I went through my hard times, I still have some fond memories as a child. I was blessed enough to have my great-grandmother with me until the age of twelve. I remember spending every opportunity I could with her., along with my cousin Jackie. Also, Jackie and I were incredibly close to our Aunt Patty (or as we called her Aunt Monique) whom took care of gram until she passed in 1993. That was a year that my life took a downward spiral and I was diagnosed with all of my mental health disorders. My parents also divorced earlier that year, so any chance at happiness was non-existent. Anyway, after her passing my aunt and I became even closer. At one point my mom, my brother and I even lived in an apartment adjacent to my aunt's home which she had moved back into. But after her husband died his children forced her to leave her home. So of course, she went back to live in her mother's home with her brother and his girlfriend. She stayed there until she too couldn't take care of herself and had to stay in a county facility. She passed in 2015 breaking the hearts of so many of my family members. Before she passed my aunt had one dying wish, my grandmother's home stays in the family, no matter what. She told this to my mother and my mother being the spitfire that she is honored that wish. After all of the other family members that owned percentages of the house signed off on it, the house was hers. You have no idea how happy this makes me. While my mother went back to Pittsburgh just recently, she came across numerous belonging of my aunts and even my great grandmothers. She surprised me with heirlooms that were both of theirs and I was ecstatic. I know this sounds crazy, but my aunt saved me these last four years, even from beyond the grave. Through all of my hardship and obstacles I've faced, there's been one thing that has never left my side, A small bag with some of her cremains in it. I know it sounds morbid, but I know she was one of my angels that kept me safe. On the flip side, I am pissed beyond belief. She has been gone for four years and in that time she was never laid to rest or placed in an urn. She was just tossed in a closet and forgotten about, still in the plastic bag and box that the county placed her in. My mother, whom I can't thank enough came to her rescue just recently and brought her home to Florida to be with us. Finally, thanks to my mom, her dying wish has been honored. She has fulfilled her unfinished business and she can sit beside the Lord where she always belonged.

FREE WILL

     So it's been a minute since I posted on here. I've been so busy with everything going on in my world and busy working on my book. It's been a year this month since I started writing it and let me tell you it hasn't been easy. Since it's a memoir I've been reliving everything that has gone on in my life, good and bad. It's crazy that in just 37 years I can fill a book with so many things. I always thought that my life was boring and empty, doing the same things every day so much that I have a routine, but it's really not that way at all. From my parent's divorce, being bullied, suffering mental illness, and a present-day narcissistic trauma-related relationship, I've dealt with it all. I'm so excited to hopefully find an agent and publisher and get it out there for the world to read.

RE-EVALUATION

     I have a confession to make and it is this. I am human and unfortunately, sometimes I am a glutton for punishment. One of my biggest weaknesses is that I forgive too easily when sometimes I shouldn't. Whoever said that being in love is total bliss, well they are full of shit. And I'm just gonna leave it at that. Anyway, so lately I've been reevaluating my life. Deciding where in fact I need to change my ways, change my surroundings and maybe change my day to day company. I feel so lost right now like I don't have a reason for being. I miss my boys so much that it physically makes me ill. I've had my medications adjusted to help me deal with life a little better, but I honestly don't think that there is a big enough pill out there to put a bandaid on my mommy issues.