PAPA BEAR

     This week was more than I could bear. First not having my boys for the holiday then the unthinkable happens. I get word that one of my dear friends was hit by a truck and killed while riding her bike. Her dog was with her as well and killed. There are so many things that I never got to say to her. I'm heartbroken and I can't get her out of my mind. I'm gonna miss her so much I can't even describe it. She was my friend, my family, and my sister. Instantly when we met we formed a friendship that I'll never have again with anyone. It didn't matter where she was or what she was doing if I needed to talk she was there. I knew whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, she wouldn't be far away. And it's funny because the last year she's been going through it herself, having a harder time than most. But despite all her issues, she was there for me no questions asked. And I tried to be there for her as well as best I could. I can't believe she's really gone, I think I'm still in shock. Tonight though I finally broke down and cried, something I've tried to hold in the last few days. I hope she's found peace, wherever she is. Papa Bear please walk beside me and guide me as you always have, I love you. #RIPNoraAnne #PapaBear #MommaBear #LoveYou Always

CHRISTMAS KARMA

     Is it just me or does the holidays always bring out the "everything" in people? Every emotion that you could possibly feel comes to surface full throttle. I feel like I'm drowning in a endless sea pulling under everyone and giving a new meaning to the saying misery loves company. And no, I'm not seeking sympathy, I'm venting to myself. After all, this is supposed to be the place that I go to, to get everything out. A place that I know I wont be judged or have to look at anyone's face as I'm speaking. I wish that I could say that I am excited about the upcoming holiday, but quite frankly I'm not. This is another year without my precious babies, and if I had my way I'd just sleep until the New Year. It's my own fault though and I have no one to blame but myself. I never should have left PA, I should have just stuck it out and risked being beat to death by that asshole. But I thought it was the right thing to do because I didn't want my kids to have to bury their mother. But I will say this, maybe I should have just stuck it out and hoped for the best. Because what I'm going through is far worse than any hell could be. This is my punishment, this is my karma...

SOMEDAY SOON

     So, yesterday started and ended like any other except for one EXTREMELY important thing, it was my babys' birthday. My last child ill will have ever had is celebrating his birthday and I couldn't even tell him Happy Birthday. I couldn't even tell I'm sorry. That I loved him. He's gonna grow up thinking I don't want him, that I don't wanna be bothered by him. Who the fuck decides that?  Here it is and these are facts. I love all three of my precious angels. And even though my Justin hates me right now my chapter in their lives will never be closed. Finishing my book, that was for them. Surviving another day, for them as well. I want something that they'll be proud of. I wanna make a difference in the world enough that they'll be proud to say, "That's my mom." And I know that it won't be today because that evil piece of shit has brainwashed them, but  promise you someday they will. But for today I'll just Happy Birthday my dear sweet Luca, mommy loves you and can't wait for someday to come...

REJECTION

     Wow, I just realized how long its been since I actually wrote an entry. I have been swamped helping out with car sales and putting the finishing touches on my book. I've even sent it out to seven agents. I have to tell you that I'm worried. Rejection is a feeling that I know all too well and for me its gonna hurt. It took me a year to the month to complete it and honestly, I don't think I've ever been so passionate about something. Like I really love to write. Even though the story was mine it still takes a lot to have an imagination, while your dying inside. But for me, I shut off that part of my brain and just wrote, letting my thoughts and feelings flow through my fingers and onto the screen.Besides the birth of my kids I have never been more proud. I hope that even though my story is blunt and brutally honest they are still proud of me. All my life I've been such a disappointment not just to them but to everyone. I hope that this blog and now my book will help change their minds. Show them that I'm doing the best I can and they all should be proud of that, I know I am.