CHRISTMAS SLUMBER

     First and foremost, I'd just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. May your days be merry and bright, yada yada yada. This year, I have decided that I will sleep the day away. My life is a total tabockle right now and I don't see it changing by New Year. So my shitty life and shitty luck will surely pour over into 2021. Marvelous. 

     This is another Christmas without my boys, every one of them more difficult than the last. I'd like to think that this will be the last Christmas I spend without them, but honestly, I just don't know. I just try and leave that in God's hands. To point me in the right direction.

      For now though, I spend my Christmases alone, with an aching in my heart revealing to me that something is definitely missing. Try and picture razor blades stabbing you repeatedly in the chest. That's the pain I feel everyday missing them as much as I do. 

     I can't explain how awful it feels to be alone on christmas. Even though there's another body in the house you're still yearning for someone beside you. My situation with him has only gotten worse and I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to see Christmas. Everyday I die a little more inside missing my babies and missing that love that I thought I had in him. It truly would be a miracle if we could go one day without actually arguing. I feel like I've wasted the last five years fighting for his love when I should have done the right thing and fought for the three that needed it the most. I can sit here and say that I'm suffering but in all actuality who's really doing all the suffering?

DEFEATED ONCE MORE

      Defeated...that's how I feel. I cant for the life of me catch a break and I feel like everything refuses to go my way. When did I manage to loose all control of my life and forget my priorities? 

      My life is a pile of shit right now, and it doesnt look like its getting any better, only worse. I hate when Karma rears it's ugly head at me and reminds me of my fuck ups. Leaving PA and my boys behind was my biggest one. As a result, for the rest of my life karma will remind me of this. I'll never be happy, a constant reminder of the mistake I made. 

      I did think for one short period that things were looking up, that maybe it was my time to shine. But karma quickly hit me in the gut, reminding me of how stupid I was to even think of something so rediculous. 

     I have fought so hard lately to keep it together and not fall apart. But a long time ago and without me realizing it my foundation decided to start crumbling from the inside out. And it just continues to. I keep wondering when God is going to say that I've suffered long enough and begin to clear the clouds above my head, reveiling the sunlight once again. 

     Years and years of saddness and pain, when does it finally do a person in? I've finally reached my breaking point, it's over. The woman who once caught a glimpse of happiness is defeated, once more. 

FACE DOWN

    I wrote this last night, didnt get a chance to post it.  

      Tonight I did something that I haven't done in a long time, I prayed. I prayed for God to give me direction and to help me to see it. 

     I have been so lost lately and I feel like that hole I dug for myself just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I have allowed myself to fall so far down it's hard for me to see the light. I wish I could rewind time and make choices differently.

     I can remember long ago feeling this emptiness inside that I couldn't explain and wanting something different. That horrible life that I thought I had I really didn't, I was just too blind and immature to see how wonderful it really was. I took everything I loved for granted thinking that the grass was greener on the older side. But you know what? It wasn't. Because now five years later I am face down in the biggest pile of shit anybody has ever seen. And I hate it. But I have no one to blame but myself. 

LAID UP

     So I didn't bomb the modeling gig, in fact I got it. I have to do some classes to get ready for it though and even though it really isn't much, right now it's too much for me. Not to mention I fell a few nights ago and I've been laid up in bed, unable to walk. But such is the story of my life. 

     I hate that I can't do anything for myself and have to crawl everywhere. Of all times for he and I to decide that we r over, when I need someone the most I'm alone. It sucks. Granted I do have friends but they are all so busy with their day-to-day lives that I don't wanna burden them at all. So here I sit. Alone.

      Things like this make me realize it really is me, myself, and I. I just wish they could walk to the kitchen to make us something to eat because damn I'm hungry. 

     

BOMBED

      So they say you can't win them all and boy they aren't lying. Tonight I was fortunate to have my first modeling audition and quite honestly, I bombed it. Everything that could possibly go wrong did just that. Right down to my computer dying right in the middle. 

     Now granted, I didn't expect it to go perfectly for a first, but damn. Karma sometimes always seems to rear its ugly head when its timing couldn't be worse. It's my constant reminder that I'm destined to be unhappy. I'm teased by being given a little bit of happiness then wham karma laughs at me, wondering how I could be such a fool by thinking I could actually be happy. 

    I keep wondering when my punishment will be over but it doesn't seem like I'm off the hook anytime soon. Every day is a different disappointment and quite frankly it's getting old. All I wanted to do was make my boys proud of me and know that all of this wasn't for nothing. Could someone do me a favor and ask God to cut me a break. Because I'm really tired.

SURVIVING THE STORM

     I'm trying to figure out when you finally realize you are at your breaking point. When do you know that you have one foot in the door of the loony bin and your other foot is lifted for that second foot in. I'm not sure how I've survived this long without having another nervous breakdown. Three years ago it would have already happened. Every day is filled with drama and every day there is another excuse. How can you say you can't stand someone yet text them 24/7.

    Last week during the hurricane he disappeared. I knew exactly where he was so wind and rain I started walking. I was so pissed I didn't care that I was soaking wet and freezing. When I got to the ducks house of course the dumb hoe lied and said he wasn't there. I argued with her a little then let her shut the door in my face. Walking away though I knew how sneaky he was and walked to the back of the house to see if he hid his car there. Sure enough, there it was. I walked up to the bedroom windows screaming and pounding on it that I knew he was there. I raced back to the front door and pounded on the door again. The hoe answered and played dumb as to why it was there. I barged in the door demanding that she tell me where he was. 

Finally, after she realized that I'm not as dumb as I may look she came clean and told me he was in the bedroom. I walked in and found him crouched down in the corner, hiding from me. I walked up to him punching and screaming at him demanding for answers. We exchanged words, none of which were good and I told him I was done and that he was a loser. After telling him how grimy he was a little longer I made him take me home.

Can you believe that? That's just one example of my life lately, trust me there's more. 

You want me to tell you what a fool I am? After all that plus some, I forgave him...again.

BARE ESSENTIALS

 Two months...two months is way too long to be away from my precious blogger. My life remains the same. I'm in a whirlwind of sorrow while he gets to go out and have his cake and eat it too. Why do I make this okay for him? Why? I believe every bold face lie he tells me every time he says it. What happened to the strength I once had? Somehow, he's managed to take it from me again and break me down to my bare essentials. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I don't even want to breathe. I would rather just curl up in a ball and wallow in my own self-pity. And the man could give two shits about me. If I was laying here dying he would just turn around and walk out the door. I know this because he's already done it. What makes her and all the other ones so special. They are all trash and all of them hoes but yet he can't stay away from them. I am so much better than any of those bitches but yet he just doesn't give two shits if I live or die. I have to finally put my foot down and start sticking up for myself or this is never going to end. 

ESCAPING THE SITTING DUCK

If I had to describe my life in two words I'd have no trouble finding them. Soap Opera. My life is literally like a soap opera. Very few days anymore are calm, something crazy is always going on. Like now for example. The love of my life decided yet again to act first and think later, leaving me alone, yet again, seeking revenge because I pissed in his Cheerios. And now, just like before, and before that, somehow he managed to get himself in a pickle and is unable to get away from the duck looking hoe he chose this time. I'm sure the only thing you're wondering is why I put up with such craziness, allowing him back in my home and back in my bed. Well the answer for me is quite simple. Because I love him. And I'm hoping that one of these times when he returns home with his tail between his legs begging for me to take him back like now it'll finally sink in. That he's never gonna find anyone in this world that loves him more than me. For now though, I'm gonna have to be patient, tolerate him sneaking in and out of my slider and hope for the best. Wait out the storm and wait till he has enough guts to tell her that he wants to go home. 

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

        It's been awhile since I've pulled out the old laptop to do some writing. And I have to say I missed it. My life has been a whirlwind the last few weeks, breaking up with a certain person because I caught him cheating again and now stuck in the house sick as a dog possibly having Covid-19. I'm patiently waiting for the results to come in but every symptom I have. So I'm going to say there's a big possibility. Especially since myself along with others were exposed to it and not informed that we were until there were already six cases there. Unbelievable. I don't know for the life of me how someone could disregard another persons' life. Anyway, so here I sit stuck in the house alone with my dog day in and day out. I'm ready to climb the walls. Its getting that bad. I started a second book which I'm happy to announce, and saving money for the editing of the first one, so I can get that moving along. Once the editing is done hopefully I will have the approval of the interested agency and I can get it finally published. Fingers crossed.  

        As for my breakup, tomorrow I'll put that down into words. But for now, I'm going to say farewell and take a nap. This shit is no joke and I'm exhausted.

BACK IN BLINDERS

Somehow I've managed yet again to be the most stupid person alive. Yet again Ive allowed myself to become obvious of what's right in front of me. I should have known that all good things must eventually come to an end but fuck, I just wanted alittle more time. More time that there was happiness, more time I was able to smile. And more importantly, more time of having someone faithful, that didnt lie straight to my face everyday. I mean Christ, it's only been 6 months since we heard the last of the shardwhore even though in my mind I hear her taunting me everyday.  This new one, some blonde junkie, thinks its fun to get high in front of her small children. Wheres DCF when u need them. Yeah shes a real prize. He must be so proud. I cant help but think to myself, where in the fuck does he find such trash? And more importantly, what does it say about me?

HARD TO SEE

I feel like a visitor in my own blog. I used to have so many things to write about but now I have the biggest case of writers block. And now that I'm helping out the the shop my spare time is slim to none. Im made to wear my facade and pretend that I'm okay, but deep down I know that I'm not. I've forgotten who I am, forgotten what's important to me. Why is it so hard for people to realize how miserable I am. Why is my pain so hard to see??

WHAT MAKES ME, ME.

This is me. To a tee. My dad sent it to me one night shocked at the resemblance. Yeah, I am different, crazy as well, but I'm me. And as much as I get upset with myself I have to try to remember that being different is what makes me special. And I'm just going to have to learn to be ok with that.

CLOSET OF THOUGHTS

     They say that life is what you make it. And I'm inclined to agree. If you spend your life being miserable all your days will be filled with doom and gloom. If you spend your days smiling the whole world will shine back at you. For me my days are spent at attention, waiting to hear what I am to do next. I'm ashamed to say I'm right back where I was five years ago, when I first left PA. I am the doormat once more. My days are decided and my life has been planned out. I feel as if I'm twelve again and not allowed to make any decisions at all. I have no control over myself anymore.  I don't know what happened, why I broke my promise I made to myself to never end up like this again. It's like I'm living the life of someone else because I know for sure I'm not living my hopes and dreams. They've been pushed in the back of my closet of thoughts and I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to dig them back out. 

POST MOTHERS DAY REALIZATION

It's the day after Mother's Day, what can I say. Every year gets harder than the last, every year it gets harder to breathe. I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind of emotion, and honestly its getting so bad that I literally feel like I'm climbing out of my skin, clawing at the walls. For the first couple of years I've spent every last bit of my energy on everything else but the ones that truly mattered. And when I finally woke the fuck up and realized I had done I'm afraid it may be too late. If I had put all that effort into my kids they would be with me right now. But I didn't. So now this is my karma, this is my curse. And I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm the reason that Justin won't talk to me, the reason that Tony and Luca think that I left them and didn't want them anymore. Which is farthest from the truth. I'm sure that my younger two have no idea that I constantly ask about them and send them messages. I have to hope that they do but I have no way of knowing since i have no way of communicating with them. And that kills me. 

SUPERMAN

     I'm still trying to figure out one simple thing... Am I crazy or just downright stupid? Or could I be both. Most people that are crazy are brilliant, and all people stupid pretty much remain that way. So what about me? Where would I fit? I have brains like no other but in every other aspect, stupid. Without saying too much I will say this, I'm tired of giving in. And tired of feeling and being treated like I'm five. And even more tired of having a kind heart. I'm so over it. I just want to run. I bet if I jumped in my car and took off no one would even know I was gone. Until they needed me that is. Aprel do this, Aprel do that, help me with this, take care of that. It's ridiculous. I've totally taken my focus off of what matters most, my well-being. Life isn't easy I know but this is taking it to a whole other level. Nobody stops to think of me, and how I feel, just what else I can do to make their lives easier while my life falls apart? Nobody stops to realize that I'm seconds away from my breaking point. Or they do, but they just don't give two shits. Yeah, I think it's gotta be that one. I'm expected to play superman and save the world when in all reality, I can't even save myself.

TIME

     So I know that I've been quiet lately, which some would worry, but for me its a good thing. I've been so terribly busy, so much that I havent had the time to get stuck in my head. Thats when the 4 posts a day everyday happen.There are some things in my life that really are weighing at me but honestly I don't have the time to focus on them. Which could be either a good thing or an extremely bad thing depending on how you look at it. I would love to take a couple hours out of my week to go talk to a therapist like my dr keeps asking me to but honestly I don't have time. I'm not given the opportunity to be given the time. I run and run on command, wanting to just run the other way...ahhhh...now you understand I hope. If I actually had the time to sit downand silence the screaming I think my daily posts would be up to eight.

MONSTER

          So today, after careful consideration, I broke down and did something I promised myself that I would never do again, I text my ex-husband. This pained me considering how much he adores me but it was something I had to do. I needed to check on my babies and since my oldest hasn't answered me I became desperate.  But it was no surprise that he didn't answer me back. Monster is all I have to say. Right now at this time in our lives we should all be getting along. People are dying for god’s sake, and he's worried about lil ole me. He should be worried about the corona upon us all. He seriously needs to re-evaluate for a second. 

CORONAVIRUS MELTDOWN

          So the last few days have been pure hell for me. This damn virus is nearly taking the whole damn nation out. I'm pissed at myself because I'm not where I should be. I should be up north with my boys. Holding them tight and telling them everything will be okay. But yet here I am, stuck, and inside I'm ripping myself a new asshole. Like really? What kind of mother is not with her children when the world crashes down around them? I've tried to reach out like I always do but of course I got no response. But I mean hey, can you blame them? I sure can't. But I've decided that since I can't be with them, and they hate my guts I got to do something to satisfy my motherly instinct and late developing nurturing ways. My mother used to always tell me, "Aprel, you can't save the world." Well mom, if you happen to read this I'm going to try. (P.S. I hope everyone is healthy there.) Anyway, last night I read a thing on the PA gov website asking for help. That even retirees from the medical field can get reinstated for free, to help in the fight against the coronavirus. So that my amigos is exactly what I'm trying to do. I contacted the PA board of nursing to see about getting my LPN license active once again. Just for this. I'm also going to contact the Florida board and see what kind of options I may have. Hold on to your hats folks, Dah's going back out to help kick ass.

HOME

So I have a confession to make, I'm not as I seem. Now don't get me wrong, I'm much different from how I was once on the outside but on the inside, sometimes I'm crying. Screaming at myself, at God, for the choices that I've made. And the things I've put myself through, things I allowed myself to go through. Yes it's made me so much stronger, but not without consequences. I'm a shell of myself and what I should be. I can't for the life of me figure out what God must think of me. Doing good for so many, yet not for the ones that matter the most. They say there is a reason for everything, so what's mine? Is my mental deterioration my karma for the choices I've made? Most definitely. Every action has a reaction and this misery is mine. The other day someone spoke of my three loves and referred to them as "Riches kids" I lost it. It was then that I made the decision, I'm going home.

BREAKING EVEN WITH GOD

God works in mysterious ways. Lately I've been stressed, not knowing what the future will hold for me. My writing is doing well, I've even gotten the attention of an agent, and I've officially started my second book. Bryant and I, well some things never change. And even though I'm a hell of a lot stronger, I'm still not strong enough. Despite every positive step I've been accomplishing there's always been this one person that knocks down my happy soul. And its not Bryant. I'm still trying to figure out how to make shit even with God but everything I do it just isn't enough. It makes me feel like this is my karma, that my life is meant to suck, to put it bluntly. I know the things I've done wrong and trust me I take fault for them all. But I obviously haven't been forgiven. I've come to accept the fact that this is my karma, this is my curse...  

MEANINGLESS

      I'm slacking terribly on finding me time. I'm trying to take on as much as I can without falling, whether I want to or not. Now don't get me wrong, it feels good to finally feel like I'm doing something positive in my life, even if I am just helping out. Makes me feel like I'm not just a nobody, which I have been feeling a lot lately. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong and where I should go at this point of my life. I want to go home so bad and be with my boys but if they reject me, I don't think I could take it. That would be a crushing blow to me and definitely set me over the edge of no return. That's honestly been the only thing stopping me. I couldn't deal with their rejection. All the positive things I've been doing in my life lately haven't been for me, it's been for them. Without them my life seems so meaningless and at thirty-eight years old I really don't have or want anything to look forward to, except being with them. So doing positive things for myself doesn't really matter to me. I'd rather be positive for them, maybe they'll be at least a little proud of me.

TO THE BOY WHO ONCE CALLED HIMSELF JIM CARREY

     So here it is, coming up on five years since I left PA. Five years since I left all that I knew behind to start over again. Saying goodbye to so many, and not saying goodbye to the ones that truly mattered. They say in life that you should never say goodbye because it's too final, that just a farewell will do. I wish I would have at least said farewell to those three that still and will always matter because now I'm stuck in limbo. Living day after day waiting to see if that day will come again that we will be reunited, that I'll be with them. Hearts can only be broken for so long, eventually there has to be some type of forgiveness right? Even if you never forget? For the last I don't even know how many years I've reached out to one of my three true loves, the one who used to call himself Jim Carey.

INSTABILITY

      Pain comes in many forms, emotional and physical. Most people experience both in one form or another.  And some worse than others. For me my life has been a hurricane as long as I can remember. Starting with an unstable childhood because my mom moved my brother and I constantly leaving my dad until finally divorcing him after her ninth time leaving. First and second grade are a blur to me because I moved around so much. From third grade up until eighth a managed to stay in the same school district but moved around more than I can remember. In eight grade we moved in with one of my moms boyfriends, and we had to change schools again. But that only lasted one month, and then we moved back to the previous school district. Talk about feeling like a yo-yo. It was as much emotional instability that I could take but somehow I survived it. There was a little of physical abuse from outside the home but I'd rather not talk about that. Ninth through twelfth grade was the hardest time of my childhood getting made fun of and judged because I was different from most. But despite everything that was meant to tear me down I survived it. I don't know how but I did. 

SURVIVAL

Throughout life, I've had many bumps in the road, all of which were lessons. Some were positive lessons and some not so much. But they all were lessons nonetheless. And I have to say the last thirteen months have been the worst I've experienced in a while. I honestly don't know how I survived it. And the people around me don't know either. I have to admit that even though I've learned so much and know how to spot ugliness a mile away, the past thirteen months have broken me, making me a shell of myself. And I don't know where I go from here. I've been trying to move on for the last couple months but the band aid masking my pain keeps getting ripped off. It never has time to heal because the wound keeps reopening. It just keeps happening. I keep saying that its literally killing me but nobody listens. I mean, how much can a person take before it totally does them in? I have never been on heart meds before and now I'm on a strong medication to bring down my pulse rate because I can't get it below one thirty. But with all the stress I'm still doing what I need to do. Tomorrow I have a modeling gig in St. Pete, and I'm waiting to hear back from an agent about getting my book published. So all in all things are good for me, but I still have that emptiness that I can't ever cure. It continues to get worse as the days pass and eats away at me more and more every day. All I want is a faithful man and my three boys with me. Is that too much to ask?

NOW AND THEN

          Now and then God surprises me and lets things go my way. I like to think that they are my rewards for dealing with the many turmoils and heartaches in my life. I haven't been on here in a while because I have been busy perfecting the first 100 pages of my book. I sent so many queries out to agents everywhere hoping to get a bite. I had gotten about six rejections and then the unthinkable happened. I don't want to jinx myself but I got a bite! Someone was actually interested in my book and asked for more. I am beyond thrilled because it showed me that if one can be interested than more than one can as well. All that hard work I did and someone sees it. Amazing. Another thing that I can't believe? I got signed on by a modeling agency and have a model call in St. Pete on the 11th! Another blessing! It seemed like I was never going to see the light and get a break, but low and behold I did. And they are just as exciting as how bad the bad things were. It goes to show you how God really does work in mysterious ways. For so long he has tested me and thrown me curveballs that would have broken so many, but I fought and got through them. And all these good things that are happening to me now are just Gods way of saying, "Aprel, I'm proud of you."

IT'S ABOUT TIME

We can't always choose the way our lives go or who we have in it. I'd like to think that the way each of our stories plays out is the way it's supposed to be. That everything is a test that hopefully each one of us will learn from and take with us in the next life. But what if we don't? What if we make the wrong choice repeatedly? Are we forgiven for that? And what about if we do make the right choices but a week later we are given the same test and get it wrong? How many times can a person be forgiven before they aren't? Do you think that after awhile God just shakes his head in disappointment and throws his hands up in the air? I've been trying so hard to contain my composure when people have wronged me over and over again. God would want me to. But a person can only take so much until they snap. And today I snapped. For years I've been last on their list and even though I knew what was going on I still kept that facade on and played nice. Because I figured eventually karma would come back full circle. And it has to an extent, but not without me dealing with the bullshit along the way. People in my life who have tried to talk me down and pull me into their misery, the biggest hypocrites of them all. People that are as fake as they come, grimy to no end, sinning every day but claiming to be doing right by God. I can't stand all the ugliness in the world. It sickens me. So today, I finally spoke my mind and eliminated some of those toxic people from my life. Those who claimed to love me only loved when I was miserable with them. But I refuse to wallow in their self-pity one more day. Im over it and done with it all. Tomorrow Im gonna get up with a smile on my face knowing that I made the right decision. And yes I may be lonely for a while but I don't care. Because I know that even though the words I said may have been cruel, God is looking down on me smiling and saying to me, "Atta girl...it's about time."

FORGOTTEN

I've been thinking about life lately, how precious it really is. One minute you can be here and the next you aren't. And it sucks because people that were so important when they were alive become just a distant memory and soon they are forgotten about. I wonder if I'll be forgotten about when that time arrives. I often think to myself, here I am 38, what have I accomplished? How have I made a difference in the world? The answer as much as it hurts is I haven't. Living with mental illness has prevented me from doing so many things that I've dreamed of doing but I haven't been able to. And then let's talk about my past marriage and my status with my children. Im so ashamed of the choices that I have made that brought me to this place in my life. At the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and my children. Obviously, I was wrong. But if I could turn back time I don't know if I would do things differently. Because I've learned so much through my trials. I learned to survive. I learned how to live.

EGO BOOSTERS

  So I'm seriously starting to think that I'm cursed. I'm not sure who put a hex on me but they definitely weren't being bashful when they did. Lately, every card has been stacked against me, becoming worse every time it happens again. I've been proved correct again and again that I'm alone in this world. People tell me one thing and do another. I constantly make the mistake of counting on them to do what they say only to have them let me down. People need to stop giving me false hope. Sometimes I think that certain ones (who will remain nameless) are jealous of me in some way. And they can't stand me being happy. For one reason and one reason only. They themselves are miserable. Totally unhappy with themselves and their lives. They find the one way to bring me down and stress me out just so they can swoop in and play superheroes. So that they can pretend that they are better than me. They forget though that all the bullshit in my life is for a reason and God only gives his greatest warriors the toughest battles. Maybe they are able to one-up me now boosting their own ego, but when it comes down to it and we leave the physical plane I'm gonna be the one who God recruits as one of his disciples. Because I know deep in my soul that God is preparing me for something great, greater than their egos will ever be.

PATIENCE

     They say that stress takes its toll on your body and boy, are they not kidding. I had to go to my PCPs the other day for my follow-up visit and I walked out with my heart meds doubled. How at 38 can I not keep my pulse below 120? The doctor urged me to alleviate some of the stressors in my life. But where to begin. The biggest one, my kids, I don't even know where to begin. There are so many obstacles I'd have to hurdle through, so much money I would need that I don't have. And it's bullshit because I want my kids with me, but because of money or not knowing the "right people," it's only a dream. I will tell ya though, it's getting to the point where I would sell my left kidney just to get a hug from the three of them. Everyone at the time told me it was such a great idea, moving to escape the abuse, but look at me now. And where are those same people? Living their own lives as they should while I'm here crumbled and broken. There's this emptiness inside me that I can't even describe. Three gaping holes that can only be fixed one way. It's been longer than I care to remember or accept that things in my world were actually "normal" or as close as it could be. But my mental health mixed with my immaturity took that all away from me. And now I sit here eight years after my divorce and ask God to rewind time and let me take my knowledge with me. How different my life would be, maybe I'd actually be happy. I'm staying optimistic though that there are better days ahead and soon I'll be with my babies again. I don't know how or when but God hasn't let me down yet. I just have to have patience, it'll happen as he has planned for it to be.

STARING BACK AT ME

     So far 2020 hasn't gotten rid of the awful aftertaste that 2019 has left behind. The first day of the year put me in a situation that was all too familiar and left me not knowing whether to pray to rewind time or fast-forward it along. And I'm still debating. I've been in an awful mood the last week and I think I'm realizing why. Aside from the few posts I wrote about my dear friend's death, I've written nothing. I haven't been able to unleash all of my feelings and frustrations and actually breathe. I don't know how or why but when I get them out onto the screen and I'm able to look at the words staring back at me it's easier for me to rationalize if the way I've been acting and feeling is plausible or not. Two weeks into 2020 and I'm over it already. I'm trying to stay positive as best I can though because I woke up this morning. Every morning that I open my eyes I thank God for another day even if sometimes I'm anxious for that day to come to an end. And then I start all over when the sun rises once again and have faith that the day will be better than the last. And now just as I had thought I'm able to breathe and my chest a bit lighter. My mind is starting to distress as I notice all the words on the screen. Funny how the smallest things can help calm our souls.

BEAR

     Well Papa Bear I met your Bear tonight, he is just as great of a person as you said he was. I told him how much you loved him and how special he was to you. And whether u doubted it or not that man loved and adored u too. And I finally met one of your boys and told him the same. Do u know how hard it was to see you tonight? To have to say goodbye  to my best friend for the last time? Damn you, girl, why? Why did u have to leave me and everyone else that loved you? It's not fair and it doesn't make sense but as god as my witness, I will find out the truth. No matter how long it takes. Damnnit girl, I miss you. I love u papa bear. God bless you. This isn't over. I need my closure and I know what I need to do to get it. Oh and one more thing, I wrote about you in my blog, even though u were supposed to do it yourself. And I'm gonna continue to prep for the charity event, even though you are not here to help me like you wanted. And like my book it'll be dedicated to u so u will still be apart of it, even in death. I love you.

THINK OF ME

   So...I feel like I have to share this so the ones that didn't know Nora Anne would understand just what kind of person she was. So the one night we were talking and she brought up my social anxiety asking me how I feel when I have an attack. I told her that I feel like someone is laying on my chest and I panic because I can't breathe and it's like the walls are closing in on me. At this time I hadn't been out of my house except for 1 time in 3 months. She yelled at me for it telling me it wasn't healthy and I'd better listen to her and go somewhere. I just laughed and a little while later she left. The next day she came back and said that she had been thinking about what I said and how I felt and that she had something that she knew would help me. She reached into her bookbag and pulled this out for me. Then she proceeded to say, "Momma, I want you to have this. I've been carrying it around for as long as I remember and I wanna give this to you. I want you to get your happy ass out of this house and take it with you. If u ever feel your chest caving in and the walls closing in on you I want u to hold this and think of me. Know that at that moment when u are feeling that way that I'm right there beside you. I'll always have your back and I'll always be there for you no matter what."
   Now, this thing has been hanging on my lamp since she gave it to me. I haven't used it yet but I know that all I have to do is call out her name and there she'll be. Having my back and holding me up when those walls are caving in, just like she promised. Oh, and the other picture is one of her doodles that I found the other day. ❤❤❤