IT'S ABOUT TIME

We can't always choose the way our lives go or who we have in it. I'd like to think that the way each of our stories plays out is the way it's supposed to be. That everything is a test that hopefully each one of us will learn from and take with us in the next life. But what if we don't? What if we make the wrong choice repeatedly? Are we forgiven for that? And what about if we do make the right choices but a week later we are given the same test and get it wrong? How many times can a person be forgiven before they aren't? Do you think that after awhile God just shakes his head in disappointment and throws his hands up in the air? I've been trying so hard to contain my composure when people have wronged me over and over again. God would want me to. But a person can only take so much until they snap. And today I snapped. For years I've been last on their list and even though I knew what was going on I still kept that facade on and played nice. Because I figured eventually karma would come back full circle. And it has to an extent, but not without me dealing with the bullshit along the way. People in my life who have tried to talk me down and pull me into their misery, the biggest hypocrites of them all. People that are as fake as they come, grimy to no end, sinning every day but claiming to be doing right by God. I can't stand all the ugliness in the world. It sickens me. So today, I finally spoke my mind and eliminated some of those toxic people from my life. Those who claimed to love me only loved when I was miserable with them. But I refuse to wallow in their self-pity one more day. Im over it and done with it all. Tomorrow Im gonna get up with a smile on my face knowing that I made the right decision. And yes I may be lonely for a while but I don't care. Because I know that even though the words I said may have been cruel, God is looking down on me smiling and saying to me, "Atta girl...it's about time."

FORGOTTEN

I've been thinking about life lately, how precious it really is. One minute you can be here and the next you aren't. And it sucks because people that were so important when they were alive become just a distant memory and soon they are forgotten about. I wonder if I'll be forgotten about when that time arrives. I often think to myself, here I am 38, what have I accomplished? How have I made a difference in the world? The answer as much as it hurts is I haven't. Living with mental illness has prevented me from doing so many things that I've dreamed of doing but I haven't been able to. And then let's talk about my past marriage and my status with my children. Im so ashamed of the choices that I have made that brought me to this place in my life. At the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and my children. Obviously, I was wrong. But if I could turn back time I don't know if I would do things differently. Because I've learned so much through my trials. I learned to survive. I learned how to live.

EGO BOOSTERS

  So I'm seriously starting to think that I'm cursed. I'm not sure who put a hex on me but they definitely weren't being bashful when they did. Lately, every card has been stacked against me, becoming worse every time it happens again. I've been proved correct again and again that I'm alone in this world. People tell me one thing and do another. I constantly make the mistake of counting on them to do what they say only to have them let me down. People need to stop giving me false hope. Sometimes I think that certain ones (who will remain nameless) are jealous of me in some way. And they can't stand me being happy. For one reason and one reason only. They themselves are miserable. Totally unhappy with themselves and their lives. They find the one way to bring me down and stress me out just so they can swoop in and play superheroes. So that they can pretend that they are better than me. They forget though that all the bullshit in my life is for a reason and God only gives his greatest warriors the toughest battles. Maybe they are able to one-up me now boosting their own ego, but when it comes down to it and we leave the physical plane I'm gonna be the one who God recruits as one of his disciples. Because I know deep in my soul that God is preparing me for something great, greater than their egos will ever be.

PATIENCE

     They say that stress takes its toll on your body and boy, are they not kidding. I had to go to my PCPs the other day for my follow-up visit and I walked out with my heart meds doubled. How at 38 can I not keep my pulse below 120? The doctor urged me to alleviate some of the stressors in my life. But where to begin. The biggest one, my kids, I don't even know where to begin. There are so many obstacles I'd have to hurdle through, so much money I would need that I don't have. And it's bullshit because I want my kids with me, but because of money or not knowing the "right people," it's only a dream. I will tell ya though, it's getting to the point where I would sell my left kidney just to get a hug from the three of them. Everyone at the time told me it was such a great idea, moving to escape the abuse, but look at me now. And where are those same people? Living their own lives as they should while I'm here crumbled and broken. There's this emptiness inside me that I can't even describe. Three gaping holes that can only be fixed one way. It's been longer than I care to remember or accept that things in my world were actually "normal" or as close as it could be. But my mental health mixed with my immaturity took that all away from me. And now I sit here eight years after my divorce and ask God to rewind time and let me take my knowledge with me. How different my life would be, maybe I'd actually be happy. I'm staying optimistic though that there are better days ahead and soon I'll be with my babies again. I don't know how or when but God hasn't let me down yet. I just have to have patience, it'll happen as he has planned for it to be.

STARING BACK AT ME

     So far 2020 hasn't gotten rid of the awful aftertaste that 2019 has left behind. The first day of the year put me in a situation that was all too familiar and left me not knowing whether to pray to rewind time or fast-forward it along. And I'm still debating. I've been in an awful mood the last week and I think I'm realizing why. Aside from the few posts I wrote about my dear friend's death, I've written nothing. I haven't been able to unleash all of my feelings and frustrations and actually breathe. I don't know how or why but when I get them out onto the screen and I'm able to look at the words staring back at me it's easier for me to rationalize if the way I've been acting and feeling is plausible or not. Two weeks into 2020 and I'm over it already. I'm trying to stay positive as best I can though because I woke up this morning. Every morning that I open my eyes I thank God for another day even if sometimes I'm anxious for that day to come to an end. And then I start all over when the sun rises once again and have faith that the day will be better than the last. And now just as I had thought I'm able to breathe and my chest a bit lighter. My mind is starting to distress as I notice all the words on the screen. Funny how the smallest things can help calm our souls.

BEAR

     Well Papa Bear I met your Bear tonight, he is just as great of a person as you said he was. I told him how much you loved him and how special he was to you. And whether u doubted it or not that man loved and adored u too. And I finally met one of your boys and told him the same. Do u know how hard it was to see you tonight? To have to say goodbye  to my best friend for the last time? Damn you, girl, why? Why did u have to leave me and everyone else that loved you? It's not fair and it doesn't make sense but as god as my witness, I will find out the truth. No matter how long it takes. Damnnit girl, I miss you. I love u papa bear. God bless you. This isn't over. I need my closure and I know what I need to do to get it. Oh and one more thing, I wrote about you in my blog, even though u were supposed to do it yourself. And I'm gonna continue to prep for the charity event, even though you are not here to help me like you wanted. And like my book it'll be dedicated to u so u will still be apart of it, even in death. I love you.

THINK OF ME

   So...I feel like I have to share this so the ones that didn't know Nora Anne would understand just what kind of person she was. So the one night we were talking and she brought up my social anxiety asking me how I feel when I have an attack. I told her that I feel like someone is laying on my chest and I panic because I can't breathe and it's like the walls are closing in on me. At this time I hadn't been out of my house except for 1 time in 3 months. She yelled at me for it telling me it wasn't healthy and I'd better listen to her and go somewhere. I just laughed and a little while later she left. The next day she came back and said that she had been thinking about what I said and how I felt and that she had something that she knew would help me. She reached into her bookbag and pulled this out for me. Then she proceeded to say, "Momma, I want you to have this. I've been carrying it around for as long as I remember and I wanna give this to you. I want you to get your happy ass out of this house and take it with you. If u ever feel your chest caving in and the walls closing in on you I want u to hold this and think of me. Know that at that moment when u are feeling that way that I'm right there beside you. I'll always have your back and I'll always be there for you no matter what."
   Now, this thing has been hanging on my lamp since she gave it to me. I haven't used it yet but I know that all I have to do is call out her name and there she'll be. Having my back and holding me up when those walls are caving in, just like she promised. Oh, and the other picture is one of her doodles that I found the other day. ❤❤❤