So here it is, coming up on five years since I left PA. Five years since I left all that I knew behind to start over again. Saying goodbye to so many, and not saying goodbye to the ones that truly mattered. They say in life that you should never say goodbye because it's too final, that just a farewell will do. I wish I would have at least said farewell to those three that still and will always matter because now I'm stuck in limbo. Living day after day waiting to see if that day will come again that we will be reunited, that I'll be with them. Hearts can only be broken for so long, eventually there has to be some type of forgiveness right? Even if you never forget? For the last I don't even know how many years I've reached out to one of my three true loves, the one who used to call himself Jim Carey.
"Masking Mental Illness: Learning To Loose Those Masks And Love Myself, One Day At A Time."
Friday, February 21, 2020
Saturday, February 15, 2020
INSTABILITY
Pain comes in many forms, emotional and physical. Most people experience both in one form or another. And some worse than others. For me my life has been a hurricane as long as I can remember. Starting with an unstable childhood because my mom moved my brother and I constantly leaving my dad until finally divorcing him after her ninth time leaving. First and second grade are a blur to me because I moved around so much. From third grade up until eighth a managed to stay in the same school district but moved around more than I can remember. In eight grade we moved in with one of my moms boyfriends, and we had to change schools again. But that only lasted one month, and then we moved back to the previous school district. Talk about feeling like a yo-yo. It was as much emotional instability that I could take but somehow I survived it. There was a little of physical abuse from outside the home but I'd rather not talk about that. Ninth through twelfth grade was the hardest time of my childhood getting made fun of and judged because I was different from most. But despite everything that was meant to tear me down I survived it. I don't know how but I did.
Monday, February 10, 2020
SURVIVAL
Throughout life, I've had many bumps in the road, all of which were lessons. Some were positive lessons and some not so much. But they all were lessons nonetheless. And I have to say the last thirteen months have been the worst I've experienced in a while. I honestly don't know how I survived it. And the people around me don't know either. I have to admit that even though I've learned so much and know how to spot ugliness a mile away, the past thirteen months have broken me, making me a shell of myself. And I don't know where I go from here. I've been trying to move on for the last couple months but the band aid masking my pain keeps getting ripped off. It never has time to heal because the wound keeps reopening. It just keeps happening. I keep saying that its literally killing me but nobody listens. I mean, how much can a person take before it totally does them in? I have never been on heart meds before and now I'm on a strong medication to bring down my pulse rate because I can't get it below one thirty. But with all the stress I'm still doing what I need to do. Tomorrow I have a modeling gig in St. Pete, and I'm waiting to hear back from an agent about getting my book published. So all in all things are good for me, but I still have that emptiness that I can't ever cure. It continues to get worse as the days pass and eats away at me more and more every day. All I want is a faithful man and my three boys with me. Is that too much to ask?
Tuesday, February 04, 2020
NOW AND THEN
Now and then God surprises me and lets things go my way. I like to think that they are my rewards for dealing with the many turmoils and heartaches in my life. I haven't been on here in a while because I have been busy perfecting the first 100 pages of my book. I sent so many queries out to agents everywhere hoping to get a bite. I had gotten about six rejections and then the unthinkable happened. I don't want to jinx myself but I got a bite! Someone was actually interested in my book and asked for more. I am beyond thrilled because it showed me that if one can be interested than more than one can as well. All that hard work I did and someone sees it. Amazing. Another thing that I can't believe? I got signed on by a modeling agency and have a model call in St. Pete on the 11th! Another blessing! It seemed like I was never going to see the light and get a break, but low and behold I did. And they are just as exciting as how bad the bad things were. It goes to show you how God really does work in mysterious ways. For so long he has tested me and thrown me curveballs that would have broken so many, but I fought and got through them. And all these good things that are happening to me now are just Gods way of saying, "Aprel, I'm proud of you."
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