So here it is, coming up on five years since I left PA. Five years since I left all that I knew behind to start over again. Saying goodbye to so many, and not saying goodbye to the ones that truly mattered. They say in life that you should never say goodbye because it's too final, that just a farewell will do. I wish I would have at least said farewell to those three that still and will always matter because now I'm stuck in limbo. Living day after day waiting to see if that day will come again that we will be reunited, that I'll be with them. Hearts can only be broken for so long, eventually there has to be some type of forgiveness right? Even if you never forget? For the last I don't even know how many years I've reached out to one of my three true loves, the one who used to call himself Jim Carey.
At least as a four or five-year old when u asked him his name that was his reply. For years, it was silent, ignored despite continuous attempts to reach out. But then, a year ago I finally got a response. All of my nagging paid off and he answered me. He was cold and heartless at first which I expected and then little by little the Facade that he too wears started to crack at the corners. I could feel his anger and I could feel his pain. I knew how hurt he was because I too had experienced the hurt as a child and I acknowledged how wrong it was that I left. But more importantly though, I knew my child, despite the time and distance apart. I sometimes think I actually feel my heart ache a little harder because I know that they are thinking of me, wondering where I am and even to this day why I left because they only got one side of the story. The younger two I can't even imagine what they are feeling, I just hope that their brother has told them every time I've asked him to tell them I love them. I couldn't imagine the pain they must still feel thinking that I didn't want them and that I purposely left them when in reality that wasn't the truth at all.
Over the last year, I've continued to reach out to the one who has blocked me over and over trying to get him to let me in, if only just a little. There are so many things I still need to say, so many apologies I still need to give. And I know that the apologies aren't wanted, that it would make all of them happier if I just died or just left them alone, but I can't do it. I'm a thirty-eight-year-old mother who made a mistake, a huge mistake. I'm disappointed in my actions and I make no excuses for them. I fucked up, point-blank. The reasons that I thought were valid at the time weren't valid enough, even though I thought different then. The then thought selfless acts were selfish, I know that now. I should have stayed and fought, stayed and took the beatings. I never should have run from the asshole that beat me and left my kids behind. Because look at where I am now. I'm a thirty-eight-year-old mother who emotionally scared the three most important things in her life. And I may never get the chance to make it right.
At least as a four or five-year old when u asked him his name that was his reply. For years, it was silent, ignored despite continuous attempts to reach out. But then, a year ago I finally got a response. All of my nagging paid off and he answered me. He was cold and heartless at first which I expected and then little by little the Facade that he too wears started to crack at the corners. I could feel his anger and I could feel his pain. I knew how hurt he was because I too had experienced the hurt as a child and I acknowledged how wrong it was that I left. But more importantly though, I knew my child, despite the time and distance apart. I sometimes think I actually feel my heart ache a little harder because I know that they are thinking of me, wondering where I am and even to this day why I left because they only got one side of the story. The younger two I can't even imagine what they are feeling, I just hope that their brother has told them every time I've asked him to tell them I love them. I couldn't imagine the pain they must still feel thinking that I didn't want them and that I purposely left them when in reality that wasn't the truth at all.
Over the last year, I've continued to reach out to the one who has blocked me over and over trying to get him to let me in, if only just a little. There are so many things I still need to say, so many apologies I still need to give. And I know that the apologies aren't wanted, that it would make all of them happier if I just died or just left them alone, but I can't do it. I'm a thirty-eight-year-old mother who made a mistake, a huge mistake. I'm disappointed in my actions and I make no excuses for them. I fucked up, point-blank. The reasons that I thought were valid at the time weren't valid enough, even though I thought different then. The then thought selfless acts were selfish, I know that now. I should have stayed and fought, stayed and took the beatings. I never should have run from the asshole that beat me and left my kids behind. Because look at where I am now. I'm a thirty-eight-year-old mother who emotionally scared the three most important things in her life. And I may never get the chance to make it right.