HOME

So I have a confession to make, I'm not as I seem. Now don't get me wrong, I'm much different from how I was once on the outside but on the inside, sometimes I'm crying. Screaming at myself, at God, for the choices that I've made. And the things I've put myself through, things I allowed myself to go through. Yes it's made me so much stronger, but not without consequences. I'm a shell of myself and what I should be. I can't for the life of me figure out what God must think of me. Doing good for so many, yet not for the ones that matter the most. They say there is a reason for everything, so what's mine? Is my mental deterioration my karma for the choices I've made? Most definitely. Every action has a reaction and this misery is mine. The other day someone spoke of my three loves and referred to them as "Riches kids" I lost it. It was then that I made the decision, I'm going home.

BREAKING EVEN WITH GOD

God works in mysterious ways. Lately I've been stressed, not knowing what the future will hold for me. My writing is doing well, I've even gotten the attention of an agent, and I've officially started my second book. Bryant and I, well some things never change. And even though I'm a hell of a lot stronger, I'm still not strong enough. Despite every positive step I've been accomplishing there's always been this one person that knocks down my happy soul. And its not Bryant. I'm still trying to figure out how to make shit even with God but everything I do it just isn't enough. It makes me feel like this is my karma, that my life is meant to suck, to put it bluntly. I know the things I've done wrong and trust me I take fault for them all. But I obviously haven't been forgiven. I've come to accept the fact that this is my karma, this is my curse...  

MEANINGLESS

      I'm slacking terribly on finding me time. I'm trying to take on as much as I can without falling, whether I want to or not. Now don't get me wrong, it feels good to finally feel like I'm doing something positive in my life, even if I am just helping out. Makes me feel like I'm not just a nobody, which I have been feeling a lot lately. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong and where I should go at this point of my life. I want to go home so bad and be with my boys but if they reject me, I don't think I could take it. That would be a crushing blow to me and definitely set me over the edge of no return. That's honestly been the only thing stopping me. I couldn't deal with their rejection. All the positive things I've been doing in my life lately haven't been for me, it's been for them. Without them my life seems so meaningless and at thirty-eight years old I really don't have or want anything to look forward to, except being with them. So doing positive things for myself doesn't really matter to me. I'd rather be positive for them, maybe they'll be at least a little proud of me.