CLOSET OF THOUGHTS

     They say that life is what you make it. And I'm inclined to agree. If you spend your life being miserable all your days will be filled with doom and gloom. If you spend your days smiling the whole world will shine back at you. For me my days are spent at attention, waiting to hear what I am to do next. I'm ashamed to say I'm right back where I was five years ago, when I first left PA. I am the doormat once more. My days are decided and my life has been planned out. I feel as if I'm twelve again and not allowed to make any decisions at all. I have no control over myself anymore.  I don't know what happened, why I broke my promise I made to myself to never end up like this again. It's like I'm living the life of someone else because I know for sure I'm not living my hopes and dreams. They've been pushed in the back of my closet of thoughts and I'm not sure whether I'll ever be able to dig them back out. 

POST MOTHERS DAY REALIZATION

It's the day after Mother's Day, what can I say. Every year gets harder than the last, every year it gets harder to breathe. I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind of emotion, and honestly its getting so bad that I literally feel like I'm climbing out of my skin, clawing at the walls. For the first couple of years I've spent every last bit of my energy on everything else but the ones that truly mattered. And when I finally woke the fuck up and realized I had done I'm afraid it may be too late. If I had put all that effort into my kids they would be with me right now. But I didn't. So now this is my karma, this is my curse. And I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm the reason that Justin won't talk to me, the reason that Tony and Luca think that I left them and didn't want them anymore. Which is farthest from the truth. I'm sure that my younger two have no idea that I constantly ask about them and send them messages. I have to hope that they do but I have no way of knowing since i have no way of communicating with them. And that kills me. 

SUPERMAN

     I'm still trying to figure out one simple thing... Am I crazy or just downright stupid? Or could I be both. Most people that are crazy are brilliant, and all people stupid pretty much remain that way. So what about me? Where would I fit? I have brains like no other but in every other aspect, stupid. Without saying too much I will say this, I'm tired of giving in. And tired of feeling and being treated like I'm five. And even more tired of having a kind heart. I'm so over it. I just want to run. I bet if I jumped in my car and took off no one would even know I was gone. Until they needed me that is. Aprel do this, Aprel do that, help me with this, take care of that. It's ridiculous. I've totally taken my focus off of what matters most, my well-being. Life isn't easy I know but this is taking it to a whole other level. Nobody stops to think of me, and how I feel, just what else I can do to make their lives easier while my life falls apart? Nobody stops to realize that I'm seconds away from my breaking point. Or they do, but they just don't give two shits. Yeah, I think it's gotta be that one. I'm expected to play superman and save the world when in all reality, I can't even save myself.

TIME

     So I know that I've been quiet lately, which some would worry, but for me its a good thing. I've been so terribly busy, so much that I havent had the time to get stuck in my head. Thats when the 4 posts a day everyday happen.There are some things in my life that really are weighing at me but honestly I don't have the time to focus on them. Which could be either a good thing or an extremely bad thing depending on how you look at it. I would love to take a couple hours out of my week to go talk to a therapist like my dr keeps asking me to but honestly I don't have time. I'm not given the opportunity to be given the time. I run and run on command, wanting to just run the other way...ahhhh...now you understand I hope. If I actually had the time to sit downand silence the screaming I think my daily posts would be up to eight.