It's the day after Mother's Day, what can I say. Every year gets harder than the last, every year it gets harder to breathe. I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind of emotion, and honestly its getting so bad that I literally feel like I'm climbing out of my skin, clawing at the walls. For the first couple of years I've spent every last bit of my energy on everything else but the ones that truly mattered. And when I finally woke the fuck up and realized I had done I'm afraid it may be too late. If I had put all that effort into my kids they would be with me right now. But I didn't. So now this is my karma, this is my curse. And I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm the reason that Justin won't talk to me, the reason that Tony and Luca think that I left them and didn't want them anymore. Which is farthest from the truth. I'm sure that my younger two have no idea that I constantly ask about them and send them messages. I have to hope that they do but I have no way of knowing since i have no way of communicating with them. And that kills me.