CHRISTMAS SLUMBER

     First and foremost, I'd just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. May your days be merry and bright, yada yada yada. This year, I have decided that I will sleep the day away. My life is a total tabockle right now and I don't see it changing by New Year. So my shitty life and shitty luck will surely pour over into 2021. Marvelous. 

     This is another Christmas without my boys, every one of them more difficult than the last. I'd like to think that this will be the last Christmas I spend without them, but honestly, I just don't know. I just try and leave that in God's hands. To point me in the right direction.

      For now though, I spend my Christmases alone, with an aching in my heart revealing to me that something is definitely missing. Try and picture razor blades stabbing you repeatedly in the chest. That's the pain I feel everyday missing them as much as I do. 

     I can't explain how awful it feels to be alone on christmas. Even though there's another body in the house you're still yearning for someone beside you. My situation with him has only gotten worse and I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to see Christmas. Everyday I die a little more inside missing my babies and missing that love that I thought I had in him. It truly would be a miracle if we could go one day without actually arguing. I feel like I've wasted the last five years fighting for his love when I should have done the right thing and fought for the three that needed it the most. I can sit here and say that I'm suffering but in all actuality who's really doing all the suffering?

DEFEATED ONCE MORE

      Defeated...that's how I feel. I cant for the life of me catch a break and I feel like everything refuses to go my way. When did I manage to loose all control of my life and forget my priorities? 

      My life is a pile of shit right now, and it doesnt look like its getting any better, only worse. I hate when Karma rears it's ugly head at me and reminds me of my fuck ups. Leaving PA and my boys behind was my biggest one. As a result, for the rest of my life karma will remind me of this. I'll never be happy, a constant reminder of the mistake I made. 

      I did think for one short period that things were looking up, that maybe it was my time to shine. But karma quickly hit me in the gut, reminding me of how stupid I was to even think of something so rediculous. 

     I have fought so hard lately to keep it together and not fall apart. But a long time ago and without me realizing it my foundation decided to start crumbling from the inside out. And it just continues to. I keep wondering when God is going to say that I've suffered long enough and begin to clear the clouds above my head, reveiling the sunlight once again. 

     Years and years of saddness and pain, when does it finally do a person in? I've finally reached my breaking point, it's over. The woman who once caught a glimpse of happiness is defeated, once more. 

FACE DOWN

    I wrote this last night, didnt get a chance to post it.  

      Tonight I did something that I haven't done in a long time, I prayed. I prayed for God to give me direction and to help me to see it. 

     I have been so lost lately and I feel like that hole I dug for myself just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I have allowed myself to fall so far down it's hard for me to see the light. I wish I could rewind time and make choices differently.

     I can remember long ago feeling this emptiness inside that I couldn't explain and wanting something different. That horrible life that I thought I had I really didn't, I was just too blind and immature to see how wonderful it really was. I took everything I loved for granted thinking that the grass was greener on the older side. But you know what? It wasn't. Because now five years later I am face down in the biggest pile of shit anybody has ever seen. And I hate it. But I have no one to blame but myself.