UNKNOWN

     ​It’s been awhile I know. It’s so hard to focus on something that needs your full attention when your living in a chaotic nightmare. For once, I’d just like to be carefree, not a worry in the world. But unfortunately, a normal life is unknown to me.  

     For a short time in my life I will say, that I think I had a glimpse of maybe what a semi normal life was. I was married and had three beautiful boys in my arms 24/7, but that quickly ended as fast as it came. Even though I could put the blame on my ex, I know deep down that my mental illness played a big part in the destruction of our marriage. I wonder everyday what my life would be like if we had really tried to save what was left, but I know realistically we had both known it was over long before we said goodbye. 

     And now my life is so different and the madness has become all I know. I wish I knew how to fix it but unfortunately I seemed to be drawn to trauma relationships now. Almost every day of my life is spent just sitting in my room alone, cutting the world off because I can’t stand what I’ve become. I hate myself right now. Totally and terribly hate myself. And I don’t know what to do. 

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT: PART TWO

​      The next day I woke to silence. I had no idea when I had finally cried myself to sleep and had calmed the shaking enough to rest. I tried to call him but of course there was no answer. I wasn’t surprised. This man never seemed to surprise me anymore. 

      Things had been bad lately, really bad. He was dealing with some undiagnosed schizophrenia and I was dealing with the stress that went along with being on the receiving end of it. For months, he had been breaking me down, accusing me of things that just weren’t true. It kills me that he thinks that little of me or thinks that I think that little of myself. 

     Around the third day I had had enough of the silent treatment so I decided that since I paid his cell phone bill I had also paid for the right to shut it off. It took him three days to finally respond after that. Was he that busy to notice? 

     Of course all the blame was on me, I was such a terrible person. His reasoning for leaving though was definitely one for the books, and when he said it, it shattered my heart instantly in a million pieces. He accused me of trying to kill him. The same man that I’ve done nothing but love and honor and forgive over and over for the last seven years honestly thinks that I’m capable of such a thing. Does this man truly know me at all? 

     I couldn’t believe the fact that he could even for a second entertain this idea. After all this time he still questioned my love for him. As the days passed my sadness grew and grew. I missed him so much but I was so hurt that his mind thought so little of me. How can two people ever move on from something like this. I kept feeling like maybe this time would be it. That there would be no coming back from something this intense. To be continued…

WALKING AFTER MIDNIGHT

    How far will you let a person go when they're taking advantage of you? How can they not see that what they are doing is wrong? I keep asking myself that very same question. So let me rewind back twelve days so it all makes sense. 

    The night before his disappearing act he told me that one of his homeboys was coming over to visit. He said this as he was shutting the bedroom blind so I couldn't see out to the doorway. I knew then something was up. After being gone for what seemed like forever I called down to the Florida room when I heard the bass bumping at one am. He answered and in the background, I heard a female's voice and I flipped. Dykes he said, two dykes came to visit and he thought nothing of it. First, he lied about it being a male coming over only to find out it was not one but two females. 

    After bitching all night that they were there, they finally left at eleven that morning. We argued the rest of the day because I was so pissed off. Later that night he came into the bedroom dressed to impress and smelling like a million bucks. After eating, sleeping, and breathing this man for seven years I knew he was up to something.

    After changing his outfit three times I definitely knew it. So when he said he was going for a walk a short time later I knew the wiser. He was leaving. Ten minutes later I called him and wouldn't cha know no answer. I called again a few more times until finally, he shut his phone off all together. That was it for me. I saw red as I was hurling his things onto the back porch telling myself over and over again that I was done. Done with the bullshit, done with the lying, and definitely done with the cheating. 

    That night I stayed up waiting for him to come home and couldnt believe it when darkness came again and he still wasnt back. I was angry at him for leaving but even more hurt that he was doing this to me again. I warned him last time that there would be no next time, and here I am reliving it all over again. I blamed myself for letting it happen again. I guess once a fool always a fool. To be continued...

     

AFTERLIFE PAIN IN THE ASS

 They say that God works in mysterious ways, tonight I think it was Christian. My dearly departed friend that left this earth ten months ago continues to amaze me from the heavens. He always told me, "Aprel, now stop she's chill." And I would always say something smart ass to make him change the subject. I had no intention at that point in making friends with someone I thought had done me wrong. But I was wrong about that too. And for that girl, I'm truly sorry. 

    But today, today events changed my mind. Why? Because of him. For some reason he drew us together today to realize we aren't so different. Maybe it was because I needed clarity, maybe it was because we just needed each other. Christian could not stand it when ppl he loved didn't get along and I think today he figured that it was going to change. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and this was for reason. So, thank you, you pain in the ass, thank you for showing me your still with us all. Love you. 

FAR FROM PARADISE

​     Another day in the sunshine state. I often wonder why in the hell people call this paradise. Why everyone wants to retire here. The people are mean, two faced and liars. Not to mention 95% of the population here are either homeless or junkies or both. And the other 5%? Well they’re the rich snooty, think their shit doesn’t stink retirees that have nothing better to do than to sit around and talk shit on everyone else. When they’ve got more skeletons in their closet than Lucifer himself. But you have to sit back and chuckle when you find out that you’ve been the topic of their recent conversations. 

     For example, the neighbor who talks shit and spreads untrue bullshit around about you, well after hes finished flapping his jaws about you he’s gotta go in the house and clean up his wife because like everyday,  she was so drunk she pissed herself and couldn’t find her way to the bathroom. I feel bad for them to be honest. They’re lives are so miserable and boring that the only thing that gives them any type of satisfaction is to talk shit about people they hardly know and make up bullshit lies because they’re jealous they’re not them. 

     After all, that’s what it really boils down to, jealousy. They’re mad at the world that they’ve been dealt such a shitty card and jealous of the fact that they can’t live normal life like the people they talk shit about. You would think though that when you get older you’d grow up and realize that there are far more important things in the world. My opinion anyway, but hey what do I know?

STANDING IN A CROWDED ROOM

      I seriously can’t take anymore. I’m literally going insane. His family is still fucking here and won’t get the point that they need to go. The dumbass uncle decided to sell his home without having another one lined up and the smart one spent all the fucking money that they got for their home. So his boneheaded decision plopped it’s lard ass right at my back door. Along with his half stupid wife. I swear to God I’m ready to flip my shit I kid you not. 

     Everything in this house gets decided without even considering my opinion. Let alone the fact that I am the ONLY BILL PAYER IN THE DAMN HOUSE!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!? Like what gives??!?! I don’t know why I’m even asked if it’s okay to do this, or okay to do that. Nobody honors it anyway. I feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one looks up. Nobody even knows I’m there. With everything that I have going on in my life you’d think that maybe, just maybe, my feelings for once would be considered. But silly me what was I even thinking. I’ll know better next time around. 

MADNESS TO MAYHEM

​    Days have turned into weeks, weeks into months. I’m still in this bottomless rut with no sight of any sunlight. To add madness to mayhem someone filed taxes in my name so now I’ve got the label of identity theft to add to my already chaotic life. Once, just once, I’d like to live a calm serene life. But unfortunately, life hasn’t stopped throwing those crater sized obstacles my way. I feel like I’ve lost who I am, because quite honestly my identity is gone. My social has been replaced by a stupid IP pin and my credit is destroyed.        

     I’d like to believe I’m maintaining my sanity at an okay level because I know that when faced with a situation like this most people would crumble, especially those that suffer the illness I do. But I’m trying to maintain in my bottomless rut, I mean what choice do I have anyway. I have to keep fighting and keep trying to swim to the surface. Nobody can do it for me. And there’s nobody I’d let try. One step forward, two steps back, as they say. I’ll survive this too, one way or another.