UNKNOWN

     ​It’s been awhile I know. It’s so hard to focus on something that needs your full attention when your living in a chaotic nightmare. For once, I’d just like to be carefree, not a worry in the world. But unfortunately, a normal life is unknown to me.  

     For a short time in my life I will say, that I think I had a glimpse of maybe what a semi normal life was. I was married and had three beautiful boys in my arms 24/7, but that quickly ended as fast as it came. Even though I could put the blame on my ex, I know deep down that my mental illness played a big part in the destruction of our marriage. I wonder everyday what my life would be like if we had really tried to save what was left, but I know realistically we had both known it was over long before we said goodbye. 

     And now my life is so different and the madness has become all I know. I wish I knew how to fix it but unfortunately I seemed to be drawn to trauma relationships now. Almost every day of my life is spent just sitting in my room alone, cutting the world off because I can’t stand what I’ve become. I hate myself right now. Totally and terribly hate myself. And I don’t know what to do.