MONSTER

      My head is about to explode, the pain is more than I can bare. I gave my heart, my soul, my life, to someone who took it for granted. Someone who in the end turned everything around and made it all my fault, breaking me down a little more every time he found something new to blame me for. I can't bear the thought of being without him, but I know that this abuse will only get worse. In my mind I can still see how it once was, and it makes it hard for me to breathe. All the times I've forgiven him for the countless things that he has done to me. The lying, the sneaking and the cheating and this is how I'm repaid? All I did was love him, support him and forgive him and now I'm looked at as the enemy, blaming me for all these countless things that he's made up in his head. It breaks my heart. I once thought of him as my soulmate and now I can't believe that he looks at me as the enemy. It makes no sense. If I had done all of these things that he's accused me of then I could understand but I haven't. Not one. Every day is spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the new ball to drop and the abuse to start again. All the cruel and vindictive things that he has said to me, it makes me want to just die. The thought that he could really think of the only person that has been there for him through everything and still stayed by his side as a monster, as the enemy, it just blows my mind. I don't know what to even do from here because there is no talking sense to him, his mind is already made up. But why me? All I did was show him love, I can't believe that this is happening. Ending it all over shit that isn't even true. And in the back of my mind, I wonder if somewhere down the road he will realize that he was so very wrong about all of these things. How will he feel then? Nothing. I'm sure that he will feel nothing. But maybe just maybe, the man I fell in love with is somewhere in there if only just a little. I'm almost forty-two years old, I don't want to have to start over again, not that I would anyway. They say that in life we each only have that one person, and he was mine. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare. I keep trying to wake up, but every time I do, I'm blamed for yet another thing that isn't true.

HIATUS

​I have no excuse for my hiatus. All I can do is apologize. I guess when my depression hits full swing I isolate myself from the world. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m not going to sugarcoat the fact that my life has been hell lately, to put it bluntly. I’m trying to figure out how to find some normalcy in this world, but I just can’t seem to. Right now I guess I’m kinda just existing day in and day out, with no real purpose. I’m tired, mentally tired, and worn out beyond belief. The fight I once had is gone, only a distant memory. And the friends I thought were friends, have shown their true stripes. And it saddens me. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself, I really don’t. I wish I had my boys…at least then my life would have purpose.