TO MY BOYS WITH LOVE

     So, they say that a child always knows who their parents are whether their parents actually raise them or not. This is something that I've wished for as long as I remember. I often wonder to myself if they miss me as much as I miss them. Or if they are so brainwashed by what their father wanted them to think the trust was that they hate my guts. Deep down I know that's not possible, deep down I know that they mis me too. Every day I think about that day that they might let me back into their hearts, and into their lives. If only just a little. There is still so much I need to tell them, so much I need to make them understand. I need them to know that my love for them never faltered, that I never wanted them to feel not wanted. I just didn't want them to feel the loss of losing a parent. But in all actuality, that's exactly what happened. I know that whatever I say will never make things right, will never get back those years. I've missed so much and its left such a gaping hole in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, my three angels. Leaving them is and will always be, my biggest regret in my life. And I've got to take responsibility for the fact that I fucked up. I really did. I can't even blame the asshole that pushed me down the stairs every time he got hammered and would punch me in the head so hard, I prayed to die. I should have made better choices in my life, but I didn't. And there is nobody to blame here but me. 

    I decided to post this as yet another attempt at speaking with my boys, Justin, Tony and Luca, please if you're reading this, please reach out to me. Please let me explain myself. I can't stand living this life without you in it. Please let me in, if only just a little. I miss you guys so much and love you so much more. Please, please message me on fb, insta or sc. I love you guys so much.  I'll never stop trying.