IT MUST BE A DREAM

     I don't deserve this. Honestly, I don't. The rest of my life was supposed to be filled with despair and sorrow. It's what I thought I deserved. But that's not the way my life has been for the last two months. Lemme rewind....

    The beginning of February was as it's always been. The asshole going to Beverly Hills and yet again choosing that whore over me. I had had enough, and I knew that it was over for me. The love wasn't there anymore, my heart now cold and filled with anger and resentment. That definitely wasn't a good combination for anyone to have. 

    As I sat there one day a week before, Nate popped into my head. He was one of those men that when you see him from across the room you get a lump in your throat and your heart falls in your stomach. I was smitten. I had met him about six years before and I couldn't forget him. We developed a bond that was like no other. He ended up getting in some trouble around that time and ended up being sentenced to five years in prison. I really thought when he got locked up that that would be the end of that. But to my surprise it wasn't. The whole time he did his bid we spoke, i even put money on his phone and his books. Actually, after a mutual friend died, I was the only one that held him down.

    When he got out, we spoke off and on, he ended up getting engaged and I carried on with the madness that is my life. Somehow, in the midst of all of that we began talking again. But we spoke about me moving to Georgia where he now lived. We had honestly developed a romantic bond years before but quickly pushed it aside when he went to prison. But now that he was out there was only one thing really holding us back...the asshole.

    There was a part of me that really did still love him, I part of me I didn't want to let go of. I'd been with him for ten years and I was used to him being in my life. I just wasn't ready to let go. not until his last run to her. 

    He had left and there I sat alone. I had spoken to Nate and I had made plans to go up to Georgia and get him so he could help me move my mom back to Florida from PA. But the day I was due to go, it got cancelled after the asshole found out and ran home to stop me. Just like that all my plans were ruined and there I left Nate clueless to what was going on. He called and called me, but I didn't know what to say, how to tell him. I felt like shit, plain and simple.

    That night that my plans were spoiled when there went the asshole back to Beverly Hills. For nothing. Him doing all that was all for nothing. Just to keep me home and keep me miserable. Unfuckingbelieveable.

    A week later though after dozens of calls and messages I finally got up enough nerve to actually answer one of his messages. I couldn't tell him at first what had happened, how would it look? So, I came up with some excuse and decided that enough was enough. I was going. His cousin whom I'd never met agreed to go along for the ride. And boy am I glad that he did. I would have surely never made it there. The ride was long, and it was quiet. We had to switch rental cars once and it felt like it took us forever to get there. But low and behold, finally there we were.

    Nate was fiddling with his beloved truck, making sure that everything was locked up. When he saw us, a smile came across his face. He hugged his cousin when we got out of the car and held me in his arms squeezing me tight. I can honestly say at that moment in his arms I felt like I was home. I'll never forget it. 

    The ride back was peaceful, and I found myself not being able to take my eyes off him. He looked so different than the last time that I saw him but my God, how handsome he was. We laughed and sang to the same music. It was different, in a very good way. 

    His three-day visit is now going on two months and its funny because I didn't realize how fast I fell in love with him. He has his issues, like we all do, but my God this man saved me. I didn't think it was possible for me to be happy ever again. But surprise, it sure is. He's a gift from heaven, I'm certainly convinced., and I fall more in love with him every day. I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds for us, the sky is the limit. Thank you, Nathan Paul, for saving me from the darkness. Thank you for loving me in a way I thought was only in fairytales. Thank you for making all my dreams come true. I love you.

    

    

SUCKER (Originally written 12/22/2024)

     I feel like I'm living in a dream. Wait more like a nightmare. A nightmare that I just cant wake up from. For the last week I've totally playedmom to my mans pregnant mistress while inside im screaming. I just dont know what to do about this whole situation, I just dont. Im still so much in shock that I feel as if Im climbing the walls while drowning in a sea of sorrow. I cant escape the feelings that I have. And now with her being in my face 24/7 its a constant reminder of his infedelity and the upcoming birth of his second child. Its debilitating to me and I want to just run. And how am I gonna raise a child at 42? How is it even fair to ask me to do that when I couldnt even raise my own and they hate my guts because of it? How fair is it to leave my own blood children and raise soemone elses. Thats on the top of my list of what the fuck am I doing? All of this is a result of him  thinking with the wrong head, and lying and cheating for years. In the back of my head and knew that this would probably happen

GULLIBLE

      Everything I said about a miracle I take back. I did something so stupid. I don’t know what on earth I was ever thinking. I had told you about the accident that was going to be born into this world, and apparently it was happening next month. I had told you that I told the whore that I was taking that baby. At that time, she agreed and everything was great. I had even agreed to help her, and her brother take care of some financial things from their deceased father. Again, I don’t know what I was thinking. 

     About three weeks ago we all load up in the car and went to their grandmother‘s house to pick up a check that had been mailed there. The uncle lived there as well I sat in the car and the whore her brother and her brother‘s girlfriend got out of the car and went to the gate. They open the gate and walk into their grandmother‘s yard, and the uncle was out there, yelling at them to get out being who they are. They refused and stated that they wanted to go see their grandma. I just watched in shock because I could not believe how a family could argue like that. As they continue to argue all the sudden, I saw fists, wailing and hammers being drawn up in the air the uncle had grabbed a hammer, and the brother started swinging at Uncle and I thought oh my God we’re all going to jail when they finally decided to exit the yard. The brother made sure he got one last job in and picked up a rock and threw it through the uncle's driver side door window of his truck. He jumped in the car, and we drove away, and he just thought that he had accomplished the greatest thing since sliced bread plotting himself for being such a man it was pathetic really. We continue to drive down the road and all of a sudden Bryant got a phone call wouldn’t you know it was the sheriff's office looking for the brother and the whore Brian had told them that he had just dropped them off, but he would go back and pick them up. He got off the phone talk to the brother and they agreed to meet at the government building where we were headed anyway to get a copy of their father ‘s death certificate when we got there, I walked inside, started filling out paperwork to get it. The brother followed me but then left a couple minutes later when he was notified that the cops were outside. I stood there like an idiot, taking charge of the situation and sign my name for a copy of the certificate when I walked outside there were two cop cars. I didn’t see the horror at first, and I wondered where she was. I soon found out that she had been arrested for trespassing on the property of her grandmother and also for battery. The brother on the other hand had also been arrested for battery and trespassing in criminal mischief, I could not believe it one day I decide to be nice and hang out with these people and they get arrested. The girlfriend in hysterics was hyperventilating, and it took everything for me to get her calm down. And as for Bryant, well he was hiding in the car, because he didn’t want to have to deal with the police. I quickly spoke to the police. I went to my car when they said it was OK for us to leave the three of us left, and I had never been more disgusted in my life. A short time later on my phone right I didn’t recognize the number, but I did recognize that it was in a town where the jail was oh my God here we go I thought to myself when I answered it was the whore asking me to bond her out. I could not believe what she was asking me to do this wretched girl that I couldn’t stand was asking for my help a part of me wanted to leave her in there to right away, but the other part felt bad because she was in fact pregnant so reluctantly, and like an idiot, I agreed to designer bond dumbest mistake of my life. I called her mother and spoke to her mother briefly her mother agreed to send me the money for the bond and I would go up and sign it by the time all this took place though it was relatively late so it didn’t end up happening until the next day I went up to the bondsman signed my name gave them the money and then went home and waited patiently for a short time until I thought it had been enough time that she would be released soon Bryant throughout all of this was quiet and appreciative. I had a feeling in a pit of my stomach that this was not going to go without consequence to me and that it would end up biting me in the ass boy was I ever right?