Well here it is yet again five am and another night passes without sleep. In two hours at 7:00 am sixteen years ago today, my dear sweet Justin was born. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Pacing up and down the hallway and the fifteen hours in labor. I remember everything, everything except the pain. Instead, I remember the overwhelming sense of love and joy I had. He is my firstborn and holds a special place in my heart. It kills me that today I won't be able to spend it with him. Another birthday I've missed. I've really been contemplating moving back to PA but the fear and anxiety kill me. But I miss my boys so very dearly. Even though Justin reached out to me a few weeks ago I still fear that if I go I will be rejected. And I can't deal with that. I regret my decision to move here that's for sure, but at the time I had no other choice. I couldn't take one more day of the beatings and this was the only logical thing for me. I had no one there to have my back so I was in fear for my life. But it doesn't make me leaving excusable, it doesn't make it right. I'm so sorry my dear Justin that I can't be there for your birthday. Happy Sweet Sixteen my love. Mommy loves you.....
