It's funny how all of this has affected me more than I thought it would. I assumed that since it had happened so many times before that I wouldn't feel a thing, that I'd be numb to it all. But the fact of the matter is that's not true at all. In all honesty, I'm a mess. A full-blown, ready to lose my mind mess. And I can't believe how much I miss the little things he did that used to make me laugh and that I loved about him. Hell, I kinda even miss the things he did that used to drive me bat shit crazy. Although we fought so much towards the end and became literally strangers, I still loved him with every ounce of my being. He is and always will be my soulmate and the one who stole my heart.
He was it for me, no questions asked, and I honestly don't know where to go from here. I lost him so long ago in reality if I really had him at all. I'd like to think that at some point that he did love me in his own way, the only way he knew how. But I could be wrong. So much cheating and so many lies make me question and wonder if it was just the fact that he was comfortable with me and I took care of him. He told me time and time again that he did love me, but it was so easy for him to tell someone else so fast. Even tell me. So my question to myself is, now what? What I do know is I have to do me right now and try to find myself again, something that I lost somewhere in the last four years without even realizing it. I have no idea though where to even start. Right now I feel like a shell of myself like I lost half of who I was. He was the one who took my breath away and although he disrespected me more times than I can count, he never did wrong in my eyes. Was it that I was nieve? Maybe. Or was it the fact that I loved him so much? Also a possibility. And I know that there will be others when the time is right, but I know for certain I will never love another like I did him. People come and go in our lives so much, only some leaving an imprint that goes so deep into your bones that you never forget. He was the only one who was able to leave an imprint on my heart, something that some have tried but never succeeded. All the others only saw Aprel, the Aprel that wore so many masks and never were able to see the real me and bring down my walls. With him though he saw it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he helped me believe it or not to become the person I am today. He showed me how the real world really was and how to stand on my own two feet. And for that, I will always be grateful. And even though this chapter of my life has come to a close, my journey will still continue. And maybe someday we will cross paths again if only for a second, and I'll be able to look at him and smile and remember the one who stole my heart...
He was it for me, no questions asked, and I honestly don't know where to go from here. I lost him so long ago in reality if I really had him at all. I'd like to think that at some point that he did love me in his own way, the only way he knew how. But I could be wrong. So much cheating and so many lies make me question and wonder if it was just the fact that he was comfortable with me and I took care of him. He told me time and time again that he did love me, but it was so easy for him to tell someone else so fast. Even tell me. So my question to myself is, now what? What I do know is I have to do me right now and try to find myself again, something that I lost somewhere in the last four years without even realizing it. I have no idea though where to even start. Right now I feel like a shell of myself like I lost half of who I was. He was the one who took my breath away and although he disrespected me more times than I can count, he never did wrong in my eyes. Was it that I was nieve? Maybe. Or was it the fact that I loved him so much? Also a possibility. And I know that there will be others when the time is right, but I know for certain I will never love another like I did him. People come and go in our lives so much, only some leaving an imprint that goes so deep into your bones that you never forget. He was the only one who was able to leave an imprint on my heart, something that some have tried but never succeeded. All the others only saw Aprel, the Aprel that wore so many masks and never were able to see the real me and bring down my walls. With him though he saw it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. And he helped me believe it or not to become the person I am today. He showed me how the real world really was and how to stand on my own two feet. And for that, I will always be grateful. And even though this chapter of my life has come to a close, my journey will still continue. And maybe someday we will cross paths again if only for a second, and I'll be able to look at him and smile and remember the one who stole my heart...