They say that stress takes its toll on your body and boy, are they not kidding. I had to go to my PCPs the other day for my follow-up visit and I walked out with my heart meds doubled. How at 38 can I not keep my pulse below 120? The doctor urged me to alleviate some of the stressors in my life. But where to begin. The biggest one, my kids, I don't even know where to begin. There are so many obstacles I'd have to hurdle through, so much money I would need that I don't have. And it's bullshit because I want my kids with me, but because of money or not knowing the "right people," it's only a dream. I will tell ya though, it's getting to the point where I would sell my left kidney just to get a hug from the three of them. Everyone at the time told me it was such a great idea, moving to escape the abuse, but look at me now. And where are those same people? Living their own lives as they should while I'm here crumbled and broken. There's this emptiness inside me that I can't even describe. Three gaping holes that can only be fixed one way. It's been longer than I care to remember or accept that things in my world were actually "normal" or as close as it could be. But my mental health mixed with my immaturity took that all away from me. And now I sit here eight years after my divorce and ask God to rewind time and let me take my knowledge with me. How different my life would be, maybe I'd actually be happy. I'm staying optimistic though that there are better days ahead and soon I'll be with my babies again. I don't know how or when but God hasn't let me down yet. I just have to have patience, it'll happen as he has planned for it to be.