This is another Christmas without my boys, every one of them more difficult than the last. I'd like to think that this will be the last Christmas I spend without them, but honestly, I just don't know. I just try and leave that in God's hands. To point me in the right direction.
For now though, I spend my Christmases alone, with an aching in my heart revealing to me that something is definitely missing. Try and picture razor blades stabbing you repeatedly in the chest. That's the pain I feel everyday missing them as much as I do.
I can't explain how awful it feels to be alone on christmas. Even though there's another body in the house you're still yearning for someone beside you. My situation with him has only gotten worse and I wasn't sure if I'd even make it to see Christmas. Everyday I die a little more inside missing my babies and missing that love that I thought I had in him. It truly would be a miracle if we could go one day without actually arguing. I feel like I've wasted the last five years fighting for his love when I should have done the right thing and fought for the three that needed it the most. I can sit here and say that I'm suffering but in all actuality who's really doing all the suffering?