I may not be perfect, and I may have my flaws, but I have always prided myself on being a respectful, loyal partner. Unfortunately, though my partner of nine years has been anything but that. I don’t know why I’ve dealt with it as long as I have, correction, I do. It’s because I love the dumbass, and all his flaws. The things that’s he put me through most wouldn’t survive. But the hardest thing Ive got to say is when I found out that the last one that he cheated on me with was pregnant. What do you do when you hear something like that?
Me? I screamed and cried and acted like a lunetic for I think about three hours before finally telling him that I fucking hated his guts and ran into the bedroom to crawl in a ball and cry. And that’s exactly where I stayed for the next week. My emotions were all over the place. One minute I was pissed and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. The next minute though I felt like a child, frustrated because I couldn’t fix it and, in such shock, because I felt as if I was living in a nightmare. A nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
After two weeks of my emotional rollercoaster, I came to a decision. And almost everyone Ive told believes that Ive completely lost my mind. And the ones who doubted my strength said that they will never doubt me again.
Sitting on my bed one night it hit me like a mactruck going a million miles an hour. There was only one solution that I could see that just may make this whole situation alittle bit easier for me to digest. I grabbed my phone, swallowed extremely hard, called myself a damn fool, and dialed the dumb bitch’s number. She answered and I told her to find a ride and to get her ass to the house, that we needed to talk. She agreed, she’s always been extremely intimidated by me, and I told her that she’d better hurry before I changed my mind.
A few hours later there was a knock on my slider. I reminded myself that I told her to come and to act like an adult. That there was no need to stab her in the eye with the nearest sharp object. She walked in and I could tell how nervous she was. It wasn’t something she expected that’s for sure. She stood by the bed, obviously terrified of me, for what reason I have no clue.
I didn’t even know where to start, there was so much that I wanted to say to her. But for some reason I had no issues at all, everything came pouring out. I told her how she ruined a family, how he had lied to us both, and most importantly, that he didn’t love her and that he never would. I repeated that he always came back to me because I’m the one that will always have his heart. She agreed and started to cry, telling me how sorry she was. She tried to say that she believed everything he said even though he constantly came back home. She admitted how stupid she was to actually think that anything he said was the truth. She admitted that they both had no business having a baby and that the whole situation was just a big mess that never should have happened and that she had no clue what she was going to do now. I agreed with her that this was a mess and that she was a goddamn idiot but then what I said next, shocked then hell out of her. And her response shocked me even more.
I looked her straight in the eyes and told her I was taking that baby. That she had no choice because DCF would take it anyway. She started to cry again and said that deep down she felt like she intentionally became pregnant to do just that, since I can’t have any more children. And she agreed and said that she thought that was best. I could not believe it; she had just agreed to give me the baby. A baby. How on earth would I explain what I had done to Bryant? What would he think? Instantly, I went into nervous mode.
A few days later I got up nerve enough to say something to him about it. He continued to insist that it wasn’t his. I found this very hard to believe. He told me though that he thought it wa aactually a giod idea, if the baby was his. He again insisted that it wasn’t. But Im a mother and an empath and I feel things. Deep down in my gut and in my heart, I knew that he was wrong, he was about to be a daddy again. And apparently, I had just insisted on being its adopted mother. What on Earth am I thinking?